Post # 1
I have a question, but I must preface it with this story.
My mother has been diagnosed with End Stage MSA-P. This is terminal neurological disorder, and she is currently in nursing home in Dallas. My fiancé and I planning are large wedding in Houston, Texas for May 30th and were originally planning for her to be there. In recent weeks, she has taken a turn for the worse, and her disease is taking its toll. The neurologist has told me that her early death is immanent, but they cannot predict whether it will be in 2 months or 2 years.
I have recently been thinking that she just may not make it to our actual wedding, but I can’t imagine her not being able to see me walk down the isle and marry the love of my life. Also, she has known my fiancé since I was 10, and she has been referring to him as “son” ever since we got engaged. She has missed so much in the last couple of years already (my college graduation, seeing my sister off to prom etc…) that I can’t bear knowing that she might miss the biggest day in her oldest daughter’s life.
I was thinking about having a very small, intimate backyard commitment ceremony sometime in April. I have thought about having my fiancé’s uncle (who is also our officiate) just conduct a “commitment” ceremony to where we do not actually say our vows, but in every other way it feels like a wedding. We would commit to wanting to spend the rest of our lives together and maybe then do a unity candle or sand. (We are not doing any of that in our actual ceremony) We would have the traditional things too: my father walking me down in a white dress, my sister standing as my maid of honor, and small celebration/reception afterwards etc…
Does anyone think this is an awful idea? Does anyone have anything to add to this idea?
I have a feeling that my future mother-in-law will disapprove since they are footing the $22,000 bill for our large ceremony. Of course, Nick and I would pay for this smaller ceremony ourselves and this would NOT be the actual ceremony.
Post # 3
I think this is a great idea! It’s important for your mom to see you married and happy, even if it wouldn’t be “official”. And honestly, if your Future In-Laws have a problem with it… goodness, that is just about the most insensitive thing I can think of!
Post # 4
I think this is a great idea.
In all honesty, if your mother is dying and you think your Future Mother-In-Law will disapprove of you doing this, then she has to be a truly rotten person. I can’t imagine anyone actually saying that.
Post # 5
Absolutely do it. I’ve known of people who have gotten married in a loved one’s hospital room so that the loved one could be a part of their wedding. If you can do something even nicer then I think you should – it’s so important to be able to celebrate with everyone, especially someone as important to you as your mom.
I would hope Future Mother-In-Law would be okay with it – it’s nothing to get upset about.
Good luck and I’m sending prayers your way.
Post # 6
I saw a wedding on her (hopefully someone else saved the URL) where the person’s mom was deathly ill (passed away not long after) and they went with just their priest to the hospital and were legally married there in front of her. It was SO touching (she was too ill to leave the hospital) and I think a few family members were there.
I think it might be smart to do a real wedding – I think knowing she saw you truly get married would mean the most to her. Lots of people get “married” before being married (I am! I needed insurance that my job didn’t offer!) and it’s common these days.
I just think a “commitment” wouldn’t have the same effect as “do you take this man” / “I do” / the whole nine yards.
This is a lovely idea and I am sure your mom would appreciate it. I wouldn’t plan to have anything fancy except you should hire a photographer (even if just a friend…) these are not memories you want to miss.
Post # 7
Do it. You will regret it if you don’t I think. And I totally agree with Mrs. Louboutin. If she disapproves, she is a horrid person, truly. I think it’s a beautiful thing for your mother to be there and I’m sorry about the prognosis
Post # 8
I second the actual wedding part. I would also invite the FIL’s. I can’t imagine that even if they are paying for the wedding, they would deny you this. Besides, your actual wedding is only a few months away so it isn’t as if you are legally marrying months or years ahead.
Post # 9
First of all, I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you and the family, what an awful, tough time you must be going through.
Secondly, I really do think you should do the ceremony beforehand. Your mom will be so thrilled and honoured and it will be so special to all of you. I’m assuming your Future In-Laws know the situation and would be present at the ceremony as well. I don’t see how they could possibly be upset about doing something like this. It’s not like you’re wanting to cancel the whole big wedding and lose all the deposity money and whatnot.
I had a former co-worker who was supposed to get married in the spring, but found out her dad had an agressive form of cancer. She moved the whole wedding back about 6 months so he could be present at the wedding and he passed away just a few weeks later. I think the biggest gift she probably ever gave him in life was knowing that she was happy and going to be taken care of. I’m sure your mom would want the same.
Post # 10
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I say do an official wedding with your mom present. It will mean so much to all of you to have her be there. You can still do the bigger ceremony and reception later….if your in laws have a problem with it, they need to do some serious soul searching
Post # 11
Go ahead and do it. You will want your mother to be at your wedding. I think this is something that would mean alot to you and your mother. Try to disregard FMIL’s comments as she has no right to say anything.
Post # 12
I am not sure if I missed this but is this something that you Mom would want or appreciate? I don’t think it is a bad idea, I am just curious what your Mom thinks. Here’s why.
My SIL’s mother passed away a few months before her wedding and she was in the same position in that she wanted to have her mother there for the wedding so she was going to push the wedding up. Her mother didn’t want it that way and requested her to leave the wedding as is and not rush into anything. So unfortunately, her mother wasn’t able to make it but she felt more at peace because it’s what her mother wanted, if that makes any sense.
I am sorry you are going through this. You know you can come to the hive for all the virtual love and support that you need while you and your family is going through this tough time.
Post # 13
I say def. do it bc you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t and if FH’s parents can’t understand then they either don’t have to be a part of it and there must be something wrong that if that was them dying they wouldn’t want the same….regardless of any amount of money this is your mom.
Post # 14
Yes you should! You dont have to invite everyone (if you dont want to) just your & his immediate family & have an intimate gathering for your mom.
& I am also married and getting married again.. although we were married at the courthouse, we became close to God and now are getting married at our Parish.
a lot of people do it.
Post # 15
I think this is a fantastic idea.
As for your Future Mother-In-Law. Unless she is the spawn of the devil how can she possibly get upset over this?? Your mother is sick with a terminal illness she has to understand that you want your mother to experience you “walking down the aisle”. No matter how extravagant the party you are planning is.
Gosh I would even do the official ceremony early. Then the party at a later date.
This IS your mother and someone your Fiance is also very close to.
P.S. I am very sorry to hear about your mom. Hopefully she holds out for 2+ years!!
Post # 16
I have to second the Future Mother-In-Law thing- I think if she’s a normal human she’d LOVE to help you do this (but I think having it immediate fam only helps to not step on the actual weddings’ toes) but if she doesn’t approve or want to do it, I cannot imagine how you or your Fiance could ever even talk to her again! If that happens, do the ceremony for your mom, have the wedding, thank the in-laws, then cut ties. A person like that doesn’t deserve such a caring FDIL.