My mother is frustrating and is being weird about my engagement.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

Well jeez! No wonder you aren’t too keen to see her, if she’s just going to be negative about what should be one of the happiest times of your life!

 

Maybe you should tell her how you feel, and how as your mother, she should be the one you confide in and she should be offering her support and being equally excited and wanting to help you wedding plan.

She might not know you feel like this and that she is pushing you away.

My parents live an hour away and I see them every Sunday…

 

Post # 4
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

What, precisely, is her complaint about your FI aside from the fact your dad apparently thinks he’s a chatterbox?

Post # 6
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Creiddylad:  My mother was similar. My dad had no problem with my FI, my mother was incredibly rude and wary of him because we got engaged early in our relationship.

 

She also tries to guilt trip me about not visiting often (every 2-3 months) when they live 2 hrs. away and I work 2 jobs, one on weekends. I had simply told her that we would love to have them anytime they want to visit, and left it at that. They have more free time and travel $$$ than we do, and no weekend jobs to have to ask off from (I can’t, I need those hours for benefits). I refuse to feel guilty about it, and have invited them to visit many times, which they often turn down.

 

I’m married now, and she was generally unenthusiastic or outright objected to how I wanted my wedding to be. I solved this by largely keeping her out of the planning, and giving her the option of helping with very specific things.

 

DH has grown on her a bit (long engagement), and I think she was mainly worried that she did not know him well enough at the time of the engagement. However, that was mainly due to her negetive attitude and aloofness when she did meet him, and her strong disapproval of us moving in together.

Post # 9
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

@Creiddylad:  :Hugs: Aw, I’m sorry you’re going through this when you’re supposed to be caught up in the excitement of planning your wedding!

First–holy crap, girl! You drive *three* hours to go to school? Mad props to you–that is insane. You sound like you have a very full plate and are handling it really well.

Second–to answer your question, I also live close to my parents (three hours) and my husband and I visit every few months. But it helps that they like him. 😉 It sucks that your mom basically showed up to your job to lay into you about your FI. I would just sit down and have an honest talk with her. Tell her that when you’re together, you’d perfer not hearing any criticisms about you future husband and that she should keep them to herself. Also, whenever you all have any kind of disagreement or hit a rough patch, I would *not* confide in her (not that you said you did, but just in case) as that gives her more ammunition. And what’s up with saying your FI talked too much? He was probably nervous!

Take a deep breath, pamper yourself with a relaxing spa day (when you can squeeze it in) and think about your new life you’re building with your FI. Hopefully when your mom sees how happy you are, she’ll come around. 🙂

 

Post # 11
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My mom was a nutball right around our engagement too. Before we got engaged, she was SO critical of the fact that we were planning the wedding and putting down deposits on things. She was like, “How do you know he’s going to propose?!” It was really irritating! Then after, she kept making comments about how our engagement was too short (9 months). Ugh.

Anyway, it’s gotten a LOT better now that she’s come around to the idea of me being married, I think. In fact, just today she told me that I’m about to become an “old married lady,” lol. So hopefully that will happen for you!

Also, I only go home about 3 times per year! So no need to feel guilty about that!!

Post # 12
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Creiddylad:  I’m so sorry this is happening to you. My advice is to ignore your mother and all of her guilt tripping. Your family has to know that you have a life apart from theirs and you are living it. They could visit you if they really want to see you.

I love my mother and she and I are very close. But sometimes we are too close and she thinks she can tell me how to live my life. I basically have to say a montra: “I appreciate your concern, but I am an adult and I will make my own choices.” Maybe try telling your mom you appreciate her concern, but you are a big girl and you’ve done very well for yourself thus far and you will continue to make good decisions despite her opinion. If she trusts you and respects you she will back off!

Again, so sorry this is happening to you 🙁

Post # 14
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Creiddylad:  Have you ever hosted them in your home for a meal? It sounds like they just don’t know him very well and perhaps your FI would feel more comfortable interacting with them on neutral territory. Dining at a restaurant might be good too. 

I totally understand wanting to spend quality time with your SO. My parents live over a thousand miles away, so we only visit them once or a twice a year and by the end of the first day, I’m ready to go back to my real home! One thing that helped me fight off the guilt trip was to provide my parents with an open invitation to visit us anytime, given appropriate notice! I’m a student too and traveling as often as they would want us too is just too stressful. This type of invitation also puts the burden back on them.

But, it was important to me for my parents to really get to know my husband, to love many of the same qualities I love about him. (I realize this might not be important for everyone.) It took time, but they are very proud now to have him as a son-in-law. Some other things that helped besides having them over for dinner or meals out at a restaurant was actually going on vacation together. Again, neutral territory, plenty of things to do, and extended, relaxed time for conversation to happen naturally. 

While it sounds like your mother is dwelling on minor issues at the moment, when seeking to help improve your SO’s relationship with your parents, it also important to make sure you have appropriate expectations. I have a very close relationship with my ILs, but I wouldn’t expect my DH to have that same level of closeness with my parents, because our parents are very different. 

Post # 15
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Wowee wow. What a headache. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I can relate to a point. MOTHERS, right?? I am blessed that my mom loves my FI, and my FMIL loves me (I think…), but they are both still presenting their own unique blend of drama already and I’ve only been engaged 19 days. My mom is very religious, while I (and her other two children) have made a very conscious and educated decision to step away from that. As you can imagine this presents all manner of opportunities for us to butt heads and wedding planning is far from immune. Already I have had one face-to-face conversation with her in which she ended up crying and I had to calm her down, and another in an online chat message in which she completely popped my happy bubble from just choosing a venue by completely ignoring that and instead bringing up religious matters again. And she loves the venue too! She’s just a little cuckoo and I know the drama has only just begun. And YEAH with the guilt trips, my mother lays those thick too. If this post has shown me anything it’s that there are a lot of crazy freaking mothers out there, haha. The advice others have offered is great… I just figured I’d chip in with my empathy. 🙂

Oh and I’ll just add: that target shooting hobby sounds utterly harmless and she needs to get over it!

Post # 16
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Creiddylad:  she must not have been able to see it because your ring is beautiful!!!!! I think things will get better soon! maybe try to plan one day (maybe december when the semester is almost over) and spend a day just with your mom to make her feel special then she can plan some activities for you guys to do. Do you have any time off during December?

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