My mother is killing my positive energy

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry your Mom is a joy vampire! On the bright size, think of all the fun you’ll have going “And this is Grandma, who got mistaken for a showgirl at the reception” to your future kids!

Post # 4
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

For whatever reason, weddings bring out a strange side of people, even people you think you are the closest to and you think will be supportive.  Try not to worry about the dress, if she looks inappropriate, that is going to reflect poorly on her, not on you.  All eyes are going to be on you because you will be the beautiful bride!  I know all the little details seem so important now, but when that day comes, it’s just going to be about you and your FI and the love you have for one another.  I can relate because my mom has acted similarly and what I have realized is that it’s not that she doesn’t care about the wedding or is trying to be negative, it sounds like she feels responsible to fund the wedding and is really nervous about that.  She is insecure that she won’t be able to throw the wedding that you want or that she thinks people expect.  It sucks because she is allowing that to overshadow the main focus which should be the joy of you being engaged to someone you love! Maybe try to have a little distance, if she isn’t acting interested in dress shopping and such, then find someone else (for me it was my cousin) who IS interested who will be positive and exciting about these things.  You don’t have to do every single wedding planning thing w/ your mom even if that is how you had always imagined it.  Also, if you do let things calm down a little then you can try to have an open and heartfelt discussion with her, like “Mom, I feel like you are more wrapped up in the finances of the wedding than being happy for me.”  I would also make sure she is definitely comfortable and able to pay, because it sounds like she said she would pay but now is making comments that she might not be able to?  Again I’ve had experience with that whole mess too, so make absolutely sure of what she is paying for (I would even settle on dollar amounts) before you start your planning.  Hang in there, it is the worst when you’re so excited about your wedding and the people you think will be excited too are not.  Weddings bring out a lot of emotions so just try to remember that on the actual day it’s going to be perfect and you will be beautiful! Smile

Post # 5
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My mum is really tricky too- and is getting so much worse now that I am engaged! She knows the one thing to say that will really upset me – the most recent example that ‘You should feel extremely lucky that someone would want to buy a ring for you” – meaning that I’m pretty unworthy of marriage at all !! What a crock!!!!!

She recently got married herself and didn’t want to even invite my fiance and when he ddn come instruucted the photographer not to take any photos of him. Most of the time she pretends that we’re not engaged :).

All I can say is hang in there. You are not alone. There are lots of us whose mothers are behaving badly. Just being old does not make you immune from acting poorly. Try and identify all of her behaviour that you do like versus the stuff you don’t so that you can try and focus on her positives while ensuring that you never repeat the negatives for your own family 🙂 While my mother is not a narcissist – I also try and work out what sets her off – it’s a lot of work. You probably know, bu most narcissists respond to praise, feel like terrible failures and that they have no ability to empathise with how others are feeling when they behave badly.

When my mum is being particularly crazy – I try and remember that my potential marriage makes her feel old, that I am often very happy and she is often not – and there is some small part of her that is quite jealous. I know that she does love me even if her love doesn’t come out in traditional ways. 

Currently I am trying to work out if I really want my mum involved in the wedding preparation at all. She has lots of money and we do not, but I wonder if the sacrifices associated with her paying for it are worth it. I often think that it might just be better to have a very small wedding instead that represents us- even if it is a picnic in the park. I wonder if you are in the same situation regarding your country wedding and Vegas.

As a side note – there is an amazing “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” episode where a mother starts trying on wedding dresses while her daughter is meant to be trying on dresses. It is awful to see another soon-to-be-bride with a crazy mother but I think it helps to know that you are not alone. Good luck x x x

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