- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Well hello there! I have to say, when I first joined Weddingbee, I was just looking for ideas for my wedding. Then I happened on these boards and saw the amazing wealth of advice you guys dish out everyday and thought that maybe I could solicit some.
The relationship between my mother and I has been tumultuous to say the least since I was a teenager. Sure, some of it was the typical know-it-all teenager attitude crap, but since I’ve grown and matured, I see that it’s much deeper than that. I think my mother has borderline personality disorder. If she were in treatment for it, I could handle it. However, she refuses to keep seeing any therapist that tells her there is something greater than depression in her and says that they’re lying so that her (soon to be ex) husband looks right all the time.
It’ll be hard to put in one post that’s within readable length, but I’ll give a little bit of history. My parents split when I was 3 years old (that’s 21 years ago). My dad remarried my stepmom when I was 7, and my mother remarried when I was 11. My mother has extremely negative (read: hateful) feelings towards my stepmom, and to an extent, I can understand them. My dad met and started dating my stepmom after some not-so-faithful choices right before he divorced my mother. Like I said, I can understand some negative feelings, but not to the extent that my mother has drawn them out to 21 years after the fact.
My mother has had a difficult lot in life with illness and surgery, but is currently relatively healthy. I have been depended on, for most of my life, to care for her and understand the medical situations that she was facing. Now I’m a nurse and the family depends on my opinion more than ever.
Some of the main symptoms of borderline personality disorder are glorifying and then demonizing those that are close to you, the inability to maintain close relationships, and fear of abandonment.
To make an even longer story a bit shorter, my mother’s attitude towards everything is affecting my desire to tell her anything about my life, let alone my wedding. I’m constantly being berated about any decision I make, and when I tell her that I have the ability to make a decision on my own or that I don’t want to argue about something, she says “Well I should have known since you never listen to a word I say about anything anyway.” Then she usually hangs up the phone on me.
It’s demeaning and frustrating. She is constantly putting down my dad and stepmom to me – and they were truly the ones who kept my life as sane as possible growing up. I’m in therapy for this, and have been for a while. My therapist says that maintaining the distance I’ve set up between her and I will be the best way that I can keep the negativity out of my life. The only thing is that my mother doesn’t understand why I’m distancing myself, even though I’ve tried to explain it to her lightly as possible. If I told her that I think she has a larger mental illness problem than she has, she won’t talk to me for months, if ever again. She’s done it before, for lesser offences.
I feel like my ceremony is going to be a logistical nightmare. I really want to include my stepmom in my wedding. She was sort of pushed to the side in my brother’s wedding and I don’t want to do that. My mother had a cow when she heard that, but I put my foot down and said that it was my wedding and I was including everyone that is special to me. I still get flack about it. I told her this months ago, and I still have 9 months until the wedding.
Has anyone else dealt with their mom having a mental illness and making your life difficult, especially in wedding planning? Any logistics ideas?
(Btw, I know by posting this on here, I run the risk of receiving criticism from people. I can appreciate differences in opinion from mine, but please be gentle. I’m really struggling with this. Thanks. :))