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I'm sorry this is happening! Since you and your FI are paying for the whole wedding, you get to decide what you want to do. Don't let her walk all over you! When DH and I got married it was a similar situation with my mother trying to call all the shots even though she wasn't paying. Finally, I just sat her down and explained that since DH and I were paying, DH and I made the final call on everything. As for the dress, is it fesible for you to buy it? I only ask because if she buys it there are strings attatched and strings and weddings cause TONS of issues! You shouldn't have to compromise on your wedding dress....especially if you feel uncomfortable. As for the guest list, my mother was the same. But since she wasn't paying, she saw the guest list but knew she couldn't change it.
i dont think she is trying to sabatoge your wedding :( i think its very generous of her to buy a dress for you and she probably just thinks it is gorgeous as is... it doesnt seem too low cut... although id have to see it on you to know for sure.... i would say just compromise on the dress.... if you love it then let her get it for you... and leave the neckline alone. i would not, however, compromise on the guest list since you are paying for the rest of the wedding.... just my 2 cents.
@Treasure43:No there is no way I could afford it on my own. So, I'm stuck wearing the dress I originally bought. It's pretty but not what I want to wear anymore. I'm so hurt.
The thing that makes this whole things worse is that on Father's Day she had a big freak out telling me that she understood that my opinion matters the most as we are paying. She kept repeating that she didn't understand why (even though we've been engaged for over a year) U haven't included her in anything. Well, this is WHY!!!!
@SweetRose2011: why can you just let her buy it and then when it comes time for alterations just put a little panel in the bustline... i bet she wont even notice... i mean i know its sneaky but whatever lol
can you afford to buy the dress yourself? i would do that if i could just so she has no say. i also personally dont think its too low cut. but then again, if you have a large chest, i can see it might be revealing.....and most importantly, you should feel comfortable in whatever you wear!
The front doesn't seem that low cut to me.. but I guess I'd have to see it on you to really be able to tell. If she's buying the dress, I'd probably let her have that request... but probably just because I don't really think it's a big deal. I'm not a super modest person, though. If it's your dream dress and having a less revealing neckline is really that important to you, you might just need to graciously decline her offer and buy it yourself so you can do whatever you want to it.
Just give her odd little "busy" jobs that you don't really care about. Talk up the wedding favors like it's the most important thing ever. Ask her to find some pew decorations. Tell her to research types of food. That will make her feel included without relinquishing your control.
You are an adult. It is up to you to create boundaries with your mother. Try to understand she sees you as her child, and always will. Creating these boundaries will help her to respect you as an adult.
Ugh. I do not envy you! I completely understand not wanting to show a lot of clevage and not being able to afford your dream dress. Maybe you can let things simmer for a few days and approach your mom when you are feeling calmer. Do you think it would help to ask her why she is against a higher neckline or to explain how you feel calmly and lovingly? I hope you have some peace about the situation soon.
Yes....you're right...your mom is trying to sabotage you by offering to buy you a wedding dres...she sounds evil and horrible. Seriously, get a grip. Millions of people would kill to be in your position.
I don't think you should give in to your mother on this, even if it means wearing a different dress.
My family is messed up. My mother just doesn't give a crap about the wedding except to tell me that it costs too much and she thinks lots of our details are stupid. Since we're paying for it, we can tell her to back off. Money is power. Your mother knows it. That's why she's trying to leverage it to make you do something you don't want to do.
And the one thing that you can do, and that you should do, like one of the previous posters said, is to set boundaries. You can sit down with your mother and say, "I'm concerned that you don't seem to respect how I feel about how much skin I'm comfortable showing on my wedding way. Why do you think I should wear that dress? Can you understand why I'm not comfortable with it?"
If her concern is reasonable (she doesn't know if she can cover the alteration costs, she thinks alterations will ruin the look of the dress), you can talk it out and try to reach a compromise (you'll cover the alterations, you'll have the salesperson give you an idea of what the alterations would look like). And if she gives you some weird or obviously bullshit reason, you can say, "Okay, I'm glad you told me about that. But it's important enough to me to walk down the aisle feeling comfortable, and knowing that my fiance feels comfortable, too, that I'm willing to walk away from this dress. Thank you for your offer, but I can't accept it on the conditions you set."
She might go ballistic: you don't appreciate her, you're so ungrateful, all she's trying to do is (insert bullshit self-justification here). If she pulls that crap, you'll know you were 100% right to walk away. Family will often try to pull your strings, and you don't want this to turn into something that she can hold over your head until the day she dies: "When I bought your wedding dress, I didn't know you were going to turn around and be so (insert bullshit adjective here)!"
Boundaries are good. Not having money sucks, but resenting your mother sucks worse. So set boundaries now, tell her "I'm glad you're so interested in our wedding, but we'd rather not talk about those details," and call it good.
@kristophine:Thank you for your reply! I did offer to pay for the alterations and she still refused. I thought about letting her buy the dress and then getting it altered myself secretly but figured that would completely kill the little relationship we have left since she's always so manipulative.
People are what you allow them to be. If you allow her to manipulate you, she will always. You have the power to end this. Maybe it's her fault for starting, but continuing the cycle is not something she should be blamed for.
You have choices. That's what life is about. Choices, every single day. They add up. You can choose to 1) Let Mommy "manipulate" you by letting her have her way by lording the dress over you, or 2) Take the high road, tell her thank you, but you have purchased a perfectly demure dress already.
What's more important to you? Having ANOTHER wedding dress, or having power over your own affairs? That one is up to you, not your mother.
could you bring up the straps so the neckline is raised?
You technically didn't alter the neckline....
Do da dee do daaaaaaaaaaa *whistles*
@Schrutebeets: That was really uncalled for. Maybe you should read the OP's previous encounter's with her mother to understand a) that the OP Is a bit conservative, as well as modest, which I think is admirable in this day and age and that b) her mother has been a manipulative nightmare for the entire period of her relationship, engagement and now wedding planning. The extent of her crazy? making her sign a contract at the age of 16 about her wedding and relationship...yeah, exactly.
Sweets, You know how I feel about your mum- and I will be honest with you, I kinda saw this coming :( Call me cynical, but in my heart I was hoping I was wrong, and that she was just doing this out of some guilt of how awful she has treated you in the past- maybe this would be the moment! Ya know? Everything would change. Its sad that she has taken this happy occasion as another way to manipulate you into being the person she wants you to be, as well as calling the shots with the wedding. A wedding isnt a bargaining table, its supposed to be a celebration- yours has been anything but that.
I understand your disappointment, frustration...even rage (I might be a bit rage-y myself if I was you, to be honest.) But dont let her take your happiness away from you. I know you are going to hate to have me say this...but in the end, its just a dress. In the end, that dress wont come to represent what you want it to (your mother's love will be instead your mother's manipulation). The dress you bought, and have now, if that dress is not born out of her desire to change everything about your wedding and has some positive association, then go with that one. Dont let her push you into this situation- she's using your heart against you again and its just not worth it. Be happy that you finally get to be with your FI- that you have a dress, that after all this is over, you will be with the person you love and respect. As for your mum...take it from someone who has a crazy sister and a complicated family history- some people, just cant change....and you cant expect more from them either.
*hugs* Loves you. Im so sorry dear.
@bebefly: I like this idea!
But OP, your mom..well, she's being bitchy. I'd probably be bitchy back by letting her buy the dress then getting it altered anyways. Not like she could do anything about it, non-refundable. If that's enough to kill the relationship, then...well, I just don't know, I can't imagine what kind of mother would act in such a way, she sounds unvelievable and I'm sorry you're going through that.
What if you told her you want the dress but double-checked with the church and they won't allow anything that shows cleavage on the bride, kinda like how some churches don't allow strapless? Worth a shot? Or you could tell her you found that out after she buys it, then get it altered?
I really don't understand people who try and force others to dress in styles they're not comfortable in. Why is she so determined to have you put the girls on display? My mom would be the complete opposite and try to get me to cover up more, lol.
I absolutely love your new dress of choice. Is there any way you can convince your mother that the church won't allow you to go down the aisle in something that low-cut without adding in a modesty panel?
@stephanie63087: This is what I was going to say. Or maybe get a modesty panel that is not attached to the dress so you aren't technically altering the dress itself. :P
I'm sure you can get a "wedding dress code" if you find the right little old lady at your church...I had to employ a similar strategy with my bridesmaids!
ooo are your mother and my mother related? i knew my mom would try to make some ridiculous suggestions (demands) and that's why from the beginning, i knew my FI and I will be paying for everything ourselves. (the other day my mom wanted me to incorporate a Buddhist ceremony with monks chanting at my reception, i nixed that one in half a second).
I think that if your mother wants to get you a dress for your wedding, she should make sure you love it and let you have it your way within reason. I mean its YOUR wedding, YOU are wearing the dress! Good luck, it's hard to have a relationship with manipulative mothers...especially knowing that my mom DO love me and everything she does, she thinks it's "good" for me, but she just doesn't really know what is good. So remember, she IS your mother, she loves you, but she just gotta understand there's only so much she can control despite what she thinks.
@CrispyRN: My mother too, triplets???
@SweetRose2011: I am sorry that your mom has strings attached to her money, that isn't fair. But that is how things are sometimes, unfortunately. My mom tried to force me to buy Adorae (even though she wasn't going to pay for it) so moms can be pushy at times.
I am wondering, is there any way you can sell your first dress to pay for the new dress?
Oh and I like the strap idea, very clever!
I'm so sorry! My mother did similar things to me as a teenager. She would make me buy clothes that weren't flattering on me, or I would get nothing at all! I'm talking, one time when I was 17 I needed a new tank top. I wanted a daffodil yellow one, and she refused to purchase it. She wanted me to get the nasty sickly green one that made my poor pale skin look dull and sallow. I really wanted the yellow one, but she told me that if I didn't get the green one I wouldn't be getting any clothes for the summer at all. Same exact tank top, she just wanted me to wear the colour that made me look ill.
I think that you should let her buy you this new dress and then do whatever the hell you want with it. There are ways around everything and I'm a big rule bender. The dress pictured here is lovely, and if it would make you happy to wear it, let her buy it for you. Then, wear it on your terms. :)
What if you got it but wore a bolero or shrug that made you feel a little more modest? I think a lace one would look lovely with that dress, and maybe you could sell your original dress and use that money to buy a bolero from etsy or something!
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A few weeks ago my mother told me that she originally wanted to buy my wedding dress. The only reason she didn't is because after looking with her multiple times I found a dress with a BM on a whim. I cried when I bought it. I felt beautiful.
But looking back on the pictures I felt dated. And since my mom offered to go with me I decided to give it a shot. Especially after I found out my dream dress was located only an hour away.
Well, I went today to try on this "dream dress". It was beautiful but didn't live up to my standards. However, the lady helping me out said she'd like me to try on a dress just because she thought I'd love it. And I did. It made me feel better than any other dress has. This is the front. And this is the back. (it also has buttons down the back.)
It fit like a fucking glove. The straps needed a little adjustment, the length only an inch or two, and a few inches of material added so I didn't have al of this cleavage sticking out.
After a little convincing (my mom wasn't so sure at first, and even tried convincing little modest me that I should be wearing a strapless dress I was surely not comfortable in) she told me she would buy it for me. Under one condition. I DID NOT alter the neckline. wtf. She knows how modest I am. How much I wanted the dress. She could see the tears almost coming down my face when she told me she wasn't going to compromise.
To make matters worse, she knows that FI is extremely modest, too. I told her that I felt uncomfortable with him seeing me walking down the aisle in something so revealing in CHURCH, in front of 120 people or so. I swear she's sabotaging my wedding. I know she doesn't like him. I know she knows he made some comment a while back how he couldn't handle my walking down the aisle in a dress too low cut. And she insisted. Made me contemplate getting this dress for almost an hour. I felt so bad for the lady who worked there.
Also, she demanded to see my guest list (FI and I are paying for the whole wedding ourselves) and said she was so embarrassed that several third cousins weren't invited. She wants to see the room we are getting married in and wants to have a B list even though I told her that we are max capacity. Even when I told her that we are cutting friends we wish we could have just to have our large families there. I'm refusing.
Smoke is coming out of my ears. I'm so sad and mixed with anger at the same time. Really I'm not asking for much. I found one of the cheapest dresses (she wanted a 2K dress and the one I wanted was $975.) only after she told me she would buy my dress.
ETA: I cannot afford to buy the dress on my own. It, to me, is low cut because it goes to the top of my bra and I don't even wear tube tops or halters but I will wear tank tops. I feel like she's sabotaging me because she knows how we feel about this.