Post # 1
My mother is not coming to my wedding. She never had the intention of coming to my wedding. She only pretended that she was going to be coming so that she could avoid telling me that she wasn’t coming.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m NOT surprised. This is par for the course with her. I should say, there’s no reason she’s not coming. She would have to travel from Minnesota to Chicago, but she travels from Minnesota to Ohio all the time. She doesn’t have a problem with the groom — she’s met him and she gets along with him and she’s told me she loves him. She doesn’t have a problem with the other side of my family — she constantly crashes at my dad and stepmom’s house during one of her MN-OH trips when she “forgets” to book a hotel room. No, my mom is not coming to my wedding because she just doesn’t want to. It’s not her thing.
She wasn’t going to tell me she wasn’t coming. I pulled it out of her via facebook conversation. (Yes, facebook is the only contact I have with my mother. I found out through facebook that she married current husband [#4]). She was just going to no show. And to make it worse, she was supposed to be responsible for my two youngest siblings while she was there. My dad and stepmom graciously agreed to drive them up (even though they are not my dad’s kids) and my mom was just going to let them come up and have no place to stay. That was going to be on us to figure out on the spot.
The good news is now I know and will figure out something for them. But I am filled with a lot of disappointment and hurt (and maybe even anger) over this most recent let down. I feel stupid for giving her the power to hurt me when she has proven time and time again that she will use it. I want her out of my life, but I also don’t … because she’s my mother, and that still means something to me, at least.
I guess I just needed to vent. It was a lot to take in and I needed to throw some of it off into the Internet. Thanks for listening, Bees.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry this is happening to you 🙁
Post # 4
I’m so sorry, what an awful thing for her to do. 🙁 I looks like the good thing is that you found out now, so you won’t be upset on your wedding day if you had found out then. I know this doesn’t make it any easier, but it sounds like your wedding might be better off without her. Hopefully this is for the best! I’m still so sorry she did this. 🙁
Post # 5
I know she is your mom but really fuck her. It’s bad enough that she wasn’t going to come but to be a no show? That is totally shitty. This would infuriate me and I would be so angry I wouldn’t talk to her for a very long time. She sounds like a very selfish woman.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I am sorry you have to deal with this now and in the future when people ask why your mom isn’t there and why she’s not in pictures. She is being ridiculously selfish about this. I don’t know that I could forgive my mom for doing something like that but I advise you to find some way to make peace with it. Maybe comfort yourself in knowing that you found out now so you have time to get used to the idea and you know for sure that your mom won’t cause any more unnecessary drama on your wedding day.
Post # 7
There is nothing worse in the world than having a parent incapable of showing you the love you deserve. It is hard to deal with. I know from experience, and years and years of therapy! It is okay to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel a million different things. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. If anything positive comes from this relationship, I bet it will be that you are going to be a great mom one day, because you will have learned from your own mother’s mistakes.
You should never feel stupid for giving her the “power” to hurt you. You opened your heart, and just because you were hurt this time, doesn’t mean that maybe one day your mom will give you a little more. It sounds like right now she’s incapable of giving you the support you need. I’m glad you have an FI to go home to!
Post # 8
@dreamhazer: I’m so sorry she is doing this. *Hugs*
Post # 9
@dreamhazer: Oh man this seriously sucks. It makes me sad reading about people’s difficult families! I don’t even know what to say other than ::hug::
Post # 10
@dreamhazer: I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. But at least you found out now instead of on your wedding day. Now you have time to get used to the idea and come to terms with your feelings. *hugs*
Post # 11
@dreamhazer: I’m so sorry. Your mother sounds like a horribly selfish woman. I can’t imagine the type of person that would intentioally do a no show on her own daughter’s wedding day and dump a bunch of unanticipated problems in her lap!
I have to ask – is your mother just that self-centered or mean or, I’m sorry, does she have a mental illness?
While I realize this is far easier said than done, I think if you want to keep your mother in your life, you will have to protect yourself by never, ever having any expectations of her and certainly not relying on her for anything. That way, when she behaves decently, it will be a pleasant surprise and when she doesn’t, you will spare yourself the pain of dissapointment.
Post # 12
@Bazinga: absolutely 1 billion percent agree. I’d say fuck her too. Not coming, bad, no showing? Unforgivable.
Post # 13
Wow. Sorry she let you down. Sounds like she has done it before. I hope that you have a wonderful wedding. I bet she will regret not coming.
Post # 14
Wow that is terrible! I am so sorry you are so hurt by this. Can you communicate to her how hurt you are by this action and how much it means for her to be there because it is your wedding after all.
Post # 15
@Zhabeego: You’re very observant. My mother is unmedicated bipolar, which is why none of this is surprising. It just sucks — I used to be very close to her when I was younger, it wasn’t until I hit my teens that I realized that there was something very wrong with the way she acted and treated people.
But that’s why, even though I try not to have any expectations of her, I still get let down. I can’t actually let the expectations go like I want to because I was so attached to her as a kid … I still kind of expect my mom to be that mom I remember (which was never the mom she actually was, but kid-vision does that).
Post # 16
So sorry you are having to deal with this… I guess better now than the day of for sure, but doesn’t make it any easier.