Post # 1
Long story short, I was on the phone with my ma and she mentioned she had a few concerns about my FI, things she thinks I should sort out. Basically, my ma starts going on and on about how I need to sort it out, take responsibility, then she mentions that my dad said to her he wondered if they were wrong in supporting our decision to get married. I asked her if she felt that way and she said yes. I then asked her if she thought we should wait and she says, ‘well, the trouble is so much has been spent in non-refundable deposits, so I don’t think this is an issue now.’ Naturally, I started to cry, because she’d basically told me that neither her nor my dad support me getting married. Now she’s saying she can’t understand why I got so upset and that I need to grow up.
I feel really hurt but she clearly didn’t think it was a big deal saying this to me. If she didn’t mean it to sound so serious then why did she say it at all? Am I being really overdramatic and unreasonable getting this upset? I’m really unsure of what to do or say now.
Post # 3
Did they give you good reasons as to why they think you should wait or did they just say you should wait?
Post # 4
Ask her why she feels this way. She may have a valid reason you just aren’t seeing because you’re not on the outside looking in.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It sounds like they are the ones that need to take responsibility. That was an awful thing to say to you, and yes, it is a big deal that they said it. It sounds like they believe that, but now don’t want to face what would come with actually sticking to that opinion. I.e.losing deposits or their relarionship with you. I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. Did they have any valid concerns?
Post # 6
So your mum told you that you shouldn’t marry your FI, then she told you that there wasn’t anyway this could be avoided based on money?! NO, it’s not unreasonable that you’re upset!
Ok if a parent feels like you shouldn’t marry someone, but if you feel the need to say something like that you should be bloody prepared to step in and help your child manage the situation! Not just say “Sorry, you’re stuck – guess you should have thought about that before. So really, you’re just being stupid crying about it”.
I’m sorry, but if that were my mum I would take a step back and highly questioning where she’s coming from. Wishing you and your FI the very best!
Post # 7
@MeiFrancis: @arsing89: They have one main concern, they’ve mentioned this to me and FI before and we are dealing with it and trying to show my parents how we’re sorting it out, so they aren’t worried when we do get married. She knows that I’m doing my best to sort things out to put their minds at rest. I think she was trying to press the urgency of the matter on me, and I can understand that. I am their little girl, and they want what’s best for me.
Post # 8
I don’t know your situation, so I can’t say where she might be coming from, but that just stinks. Your happiness is more important than money, for one thing, and for her to bring something up like that with so little tact or regard for the impact it would have on you is just cruddy.
It almost sounds like she’s being passive aggressive laying that bomb on you and then acting like it was nothing, no big deal, it doesn’t matter anyway. Do you think there may have been a negative interaction between her and your FI to make her resentful toward him? Have they approved of him as an SO in the past? Have you spoken to your dad about it to confirm that what your mom said is how he actually feels?
Post # 9
Okay, she’s just called me again. This time she said that of course they want us to get married, they always knew we’d get married whether it would be this year or in ten years and they fully support us.
What I really don’t get is why she felt the need to say she thought we shouldn’t get married in the first place, if she did in fact support us all along?! I’m thinking I need to talk this out with her properly.
@anemonie: Can’t say there has ever been any reason for her to take an issue with FI. My parents ADORE him, and have always commended the fact that he treats me amazingly well and always looks after me. The passive aggressive thing may make some sense – my mum loves to be right and refuses to be wrong. It could be now that she feels bad and is backtracking. I am going to make it clear that what she said was pretty unacceptable.
Post # 10
I do think you are being overly dramatic, if this is something you already know they’ve been worried about and have discussed it with you before. Since whatever this thing is (why be so mysterious?) has not been sorted out yet, why would you be so upset? It isn’t any kind of a surprise,right?
I’ve never understood why young adults (and even older ones) have such a problem talking about important things with the people who have raised them. Call them and tell them what they’ve done to upset you and try to come to some agreement about whatever it is. If you don’t address it, your feelings will just fester and destroy the rest of your time leading up to your wedding day.
Post # 11
@ItWasntMe: You are definitely right. While I’m sat here complaining about her being dramatic, I realise I overreacted too. Thanks for the advice, I will definitely talk it all out with her when we’ve both calmed down.
Post # 12
@gatystar: Mothers just say things. They worry, they overreact, they ruin your day, then they take it back. Why, you ask? They’re our mothers. It’s their job. They’ve done this before, and I’d be all ears with whatever she says.
Every relationship has flaws, and sometimes we (the people inside of it) can’t see all of them because we are blinded by love’s veil. It’s true. Also true is that no one knows your relationship better than you and your FH.
Post # 13
@gatystar: Dear Emmared, I feel your pain, I’m so sorry they have hurt your feelings, first of all, you are not crazy for feeling hurt, weddings are meant to be happy and beautiful times with family and friends, and the fact that your parents are not being nice about is just not fair to you.
Second of all, your parents need to stop dancing around the bush and tell you what exactly are these reasons they have that makes them think you should wait. I hate when people wait till the last minute to do this, if they are so concern they should have come to you a long time ago.
Third of all, getting married was your decision, not theirs, they might not be happy with your choice, but you are, and sometimes parents are so over protective of their sons and daughters, specially if they are no other siblings, that no one is ever good enough for them. Listen to what they have to say, then while you are alone calmly consider their opinion, but remember, at the end you are the one that makes the ultimate decision.
Hope things work out for you! Stay strong!
Post # 14
@gatystar: I actually know what you’re going through. Fortunately, our storm has come and gone now, but my FI quit his job out of the blue shortly after we got engaged and my parents said that they would not support us getting married..financially or otherwise..unless he had a job. It turns out he had deeper issues going on, which we have faced head on and resolved over the nearly 2 years that we have been engaged, but my parents were totally right in doing what they did. I was wearing my rose colored glasses at the time and wouldn’t see things for what they really were. Clearly I don’t know exactly what the concerns are that your parents have with your FI, but I would definitely advise trying to take a step back and see if you can catch a glimpse from the outside. Believe me, although our engagement has been a rough one, I know deep in my soul that we are more prepared than ever to be married. We have overcome so much and are stronger that we’ve ever been.
As far as non-refundable deposits and things like that go, my mom has always told me that she doesn’t care if I am about to walk down the aisle the day of the wedding, if I have an epiphany that I’m about to make a huge mistake, to walk away even if it meant that they would lose a lot of money. At the end of the day, it’s just money…this is your forever and you want to make sure it’s right. Good luck to you 🙂 It will all turn out fine I’m sure!
Post # 15
Wait, whoa, what?! Your MOTHER told you that she thinks you should reconsider getting married, but really should go through with it since it’s mostly paid for, then took it back?!
Yes, you need to have a serious girl-to-girl chat with her. What the hell was she thinking saying something like that to you? That’s not something you can never un-say! If she has a real concern – out with it. Address it like women.
If you decide to not go through with the wedding, no shame, and no worrying about how much it costs. She should be driving your getaway car and your dad should be hosting a “Thank God they didn’t go through with that” party. My parents also love my husband, but my mom said, just once, if you change your mind, no worry about anything, just don’t do it!