My Mother Tried to Ruin Our Wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Shneeks:  I’m so sorry your mother put you through this. It sounds like she was trying to exert some sort of power over you by making you run after her instead of focusing on yourself and your fiance. Does she usually need to be the center of attention?

Post # 3
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Shneeks:  My first thought is that she is mentally unwell, or on something. Does she have a problem with alcohol or other drugs? Has she always been like this?

Post # 3
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh my goodness, I have no words of advice just so sorry for you!  Sheesh, what is it about such events that makes people looney???

Post # 3
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

Shneeks:  Wow. I am so sorry. Your mother and sister sound like they have a couple screws loose. I would be devestated by that behavior too. I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you wanted to take a break from your mom for a while to process this. It’s going to take some time to heal. I think for now you should focus on your amazing husband and decide whether or not you even want to make ammends with your mother in the future. Hang in there!

Post # 6
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Shneeks:  I am so sorry that your mother behaved this way.  Is this typical behaviour for her?  And what about your sister?  Is this typical or did it all come out of the blue? (Doesn’t seem that way when you describe the issues leading up to the wedding).

 

Post # 7
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Shneeks:  I have never, ever heard of a such thing.  Your Mother acted very immature.  You gave her EVERY opportunity to be there, to talk it out, etc.  You claim you do not want your mother to have power over you, and I truly think you proved she has none by carrying on with your beautiful marriage day, without letting her tantrum (because that is what it is) ruin your day.  

Going forward, there ARE two sides to every story.  Whatever hers is, whether it is valid or not (and I am going to assume it will not be valid), I would try to offer ONE last chance to talk it out.  Face-to-face does not seem to work, because she is far too good at walking away.  Over the phone may be tough, because she seems to have issues communicating her feeling like that of an adult, so I would write a letter.  A non-defensive, non-pointing fingers type of letter.  I would apologize if she felt left out, or betrayed in some way.  Explain that your feelings are hurt as well, but most of all note that this relationship IS important to you, and you really need to ‘talk it out’, and hopefully work on a better tomorrow, free of grudges or hurt.  Send it, and leave it at that.  Hopefully she agrees, and when she is calmer, will reach out.

On a personal level, I am so sad this happened to you.  I know we only have your side of the story, but you seemed to handle it fairly, and maturely.  Again, not letting anyone reign on your parade to boot.  You will never get back that day, and have her be there with you, in those pictures, but that is not something you will need to ‘get over’, but rather something she will need to get over!!  Best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Shneeks:  you poor thing. I’m so sorry. Embrace the fact that you are creating a new family with your husband and look into narcissistic personality disorder. Your mom sounds like she’s got all kinds of issues. 

Post # 9
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am really sorry this happened. I’m guessing you mother has a history of manipulative and passive aggressive (or just aggressive) behavior? Or was this a total shock from her?

I know the standard thing to say here is to just focus on the fact that you are married to your best friend and going to start your own family. But, honesty, you have every right to be furious. I would actually probably go into counseling to process all the things she put you through this weekend.  What she did was horrible and emotionally abusive. If I were in your position, I would totally begin to reconsider what role my mother would get to have in my life. Sometimes the people who gave birth to us are not actually our real family; just because she is your blood does not mean she is entitled to manipulate you.

Post # 10
Member
3960 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Shneeks:   Please google “daughters of narcissistic mothers.”  There is a wealth of information on dealing with moms like yours.  *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think some details are missing. I at first assumed your mom is on something or maybe a bit off mentally but if your sister was also insisting you needed to apologize I want to know what their side of it is….

Post # 13
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

Your mother sounds BSC… and your sister is taking up the rear.

I’m sorry that this was the case and that you’re dealing with this. Truth be told, it sounds like you handled it as best you could given the circumstances.  I know its hard to let go of because its “mom”, ya know? But your mom sounds like an immature, childish, self-obsessed beast. 

Whats done is done. Best to give everyone their space and leave it be.

Post # 15
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

 

Shneeks:  Sorry this happened to you.  From what you have described, it does appear that your Mom is inherently unable to communicate her needs to you in an appropriate manner and she doesn’t realize that her actions and behaviors are actually unaccecptable and hurtful.  As a pp has stated, she does come across as have narcisstic tendacies, and you may have noticed her behaving inappropriately with people in the past before.  Usually, people who are deemed to be narcissists are unable to carry on relationships with other people and lack inter personal skills that is needed to do so.

Your story and the way you described your Mother’s behaviour really hit home for me because that is exactly how my Mother would act if something rubbed her the wrong way, even if it was a perceived slight (imagined or otherwise), her mind immediately goes to a dark place and she does really hurtful or spiteful things to try to “get back” at another person. 

Unfortunately, unless you two are able to find common ground on what happened that caused her to react in such a way, and at least get her to apologize for her actions, you are going to always be left wondering why she did what she did and continue to feel that hurt when you remember back to that day.

I do second what Astra suggested above in that you should do some research on narcisstic personal disorder which should help you understand better what might be going on with your Mom. 

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