Post # 1
We just returned from our destination wedding on Saturday. My fiance and I were married on Wednesday, July 9th. I will give a brief summary of the history. My partner and I have been engaged for about a year. At the engagement party my Mother told me that she felt that she was not involved in the planning of anything, so I made a list of things for her to do and asked her which she would like to be apart of. That wasn’t good enough, she complained that she didn’t want my pitty then selected a task from the list. She didn’t complete the task, she has a history of being unreliable but I figured we’d give it a shot. She was supposed to assemble a nice display of our photos from our early dating days. She ended up losing half the photos and brushing the task off to my sister. She then got drunk at the engagement party and stood in the middle of the room demanding everyone listen to her, then proceeded to give a drunk speech to our guests. I was completely humiliated. I continued planning the wedding throughout the remainder of the year and into the next year. With destination weddings there isn’t that much to do because the resort takes care of the majority of the details, a lot of it is correspondance with the resort. All I had to do was party favours and thank yous. So my Mother complains that she hasn’t been apart of the wedding planning. I informed her that there wasn’t much to do and she continuously states that she is feeling left out. So I ask her what I can do to accomodate her, she doesn’t offer any sort of suggestions but just keeps criticising. So that’s fine. My Mother and I had many discussions that we would be going to purchase her an outfit for the wedding. As the wedding approaches she states that she has nothing to wear and that she’ll just buy a second hand dress and look like a scruff since no one cared. I reminded her that we were supposed to get her an outfit. After hours of debating, she finally agrees and we find something perfect. All is settled and we are good to go.
The morning of the flight we all meet at the airport to check-in. I see my Mother arrive at the airport and call her name multiple times. She proceeds to walk by so I walk over to her and ask if she heard me. She states that she had heard me and then asks what I want and proceeds to enter the airport. I return to my fiance and gather out baggage. We all get checked in and then wait at our gate to board the plane, my Mother sits with another guest away from the group. My fiance’s family meet up with us from out of town and I introduce my family. I ask my Mother if she had met the Father of the Groom yet, she states that she has not. I asked her if she would come with me because I would like to introduce them and she says “I don’t want to meet anyone” and walks away. So I leave it. We board the plane and arrive in Cuba. Once in Cuba my Fiance and I are running around sorting things out and trying to make sure everything goes smoothly, we had never been to the resort so there was a lot to go over once there. Our guests proceeded to relax, have some drinks and mingle. There was a plan to meet our guests in the evening for a meet and greet. At some point in between my Mother and my Cousin end up getting into an argument. My Mother then yells at a few other guests and the Maid of Honour. I have no idea what is going on because I am busy doing other things, when I finally catch wind of it all my Mother is being comforted by my sister so I attend to our guests. The next morning I see my Mother and I ask her how she is doing, I ask her how she is enjoying the food and landscape so far. I try to keep the conversation light because I don’t want to get involved in the argument. She gives me short answers and walks away. I get up to leave the table and my sister says “she’s mad at you” and I state that I didn’t feel I had done anything and that it wasn’t about her this week. My sister states “it’s not always about you” and I said “but this weeks it is about us” and she continues to state that it isn’t. I see my Mother walking by herself later that day and call her over, she looks at me and walks away. The following evening I was sitting with our guests (we had a group of 26) my Mother approaches me and states that she needs to speak with me. I follow her and we walk away to talk privately. She states that she will be flying out tomorrow (Tuesday) and that if she cannot fly out then, then she will be leaving for sure on Wednesday (the day of the wedding). I said “okay… so you’re going to leave before the wedding?” and she said “Yup, and you can look at me any F***n’ way you want” I said “I’m not looking at you any way, I’m just trying to listen.” She then restates her plan and says “yup, you have a goodnight” and walks away. I return to my guests and fiance, I then proceeded to my room and called it a night. The next morning I cried to my Father because I was hurt by her decision and he simply listened and suggested I pay it not mind. My sister then approaches me at dinner and states that I need to make ammends with my Mother to which I respond I feel as though I haven’t done anything. The day ends and the wedding days approaches. The morning of the wedding my Mother has his dress, shoes and jewlery all sent my room and notifies my fiance she will not be attending the wedding. My sister has a meltdown infront of our guests screaming and crying stating that I have betrayed her and hurt her, also stating that she will not be attending the wedding. My Maid of Honour speaks with them both during the day and they agree to come to the wedding but insist I phone them to notify them that they are welcomed. I called 5 times and nobody answered, they didn’t show up to the wedding. My sister approaches me later in the evening and apologized and states that she should have been there and my Mother ignores me for the remainder of our time in Cuba. On the last day of the trip my Mother approaches me and states “one day you will need me” and I stated “and one day you will regret your decision” she then states “have fun looking at your wedding photos with none of your f***n’ family in them” and laughs in my face.
We have been back in Canada for two and half days now and I still can’t seem to process this all. I cannot believe her behaviour, I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt by her actions and behaviour but I feel completely numb at the same time. I am greatful that I have met this amazing man and that we had a beautiful wedding and will have a beautiful marriage but the journey to the wedding seems tainted by my Mother. I don’t want her to have any power over me but this is hard to shake.
Post # 2
Shneeks: I’m so sorry your mother put you through this. It sounds like she was trying to exert some sort of power over you by making you run after her instead of focusing on yourself and your fiance. Does she usually need to be the center of attention?
Post # 3
Shneeks: My first thought is that she is mentally unwell, or on something. Does she have a problem with alcohol or other drugs? Has she always been like this?
Post # 3
Oh my goodness, I have no words of advice just so sorry for you! Sheesh, what is it about such events that makes people looney???
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX
Shneeks: Wow. I am so sorry. Your mother and sister sound like they have a couple screws loose. I would be devestated by that behavior too. I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you wanted to take a break from your mom for a while to process this. It’s going to take some time to heal. I think for now you should focus on your amazing husband and decide whether or not you even want to make ammends with your mother in the future. Hang in there!
Post # 6
Shneeks: I am so sorry that your mother behaved this way. Is this typical behaviour for her? And what about your sister? Is this typical or did it all come out of the blue? (Doesn’t seem that way when you describe the issues leading up to the wedding).
Post # 7
Shneeks: I have never, ever heard of a such thing. Your Mother acted very immature. You gave her EVERY opportunity to be there, to talk it out, etc. You claim you do not want your mother to have power over you, and I truly think you proved she has none by carrying on with your beautiful marriage day, without letting her tantrum (because that is what it is) ruin your day.
Going forward, there ARE two sides to every story. Whatever hers is, whether it is valid or not (and I am going to assume it will not be valid), I would try to offer ONE last chance to talk it out. Face-to-face does not seem to work, because she is far too good at walking away. Over the phone may be tough, because she seems to have issues communicating her feeling like that of an adult, so I would write a letter. A non-defensive, non-pointing fingers type of letter. I would apologize if she felt left out, or betrayed in some way. Explain that your feelings are hurt as well, but most of all note that this relationship IS important to you, and you really need to ‘talk it out’, and hopefully work on a better tomorrow, free of grudges or hurt. Send it, and leave it at that. Hopefully she agrees, and when she is calmer, will reach out.
On a personal level, I am so sad this happened to you. I know we only have your side of the story, but you seemed to handle it fairly, and maturely. Again, not letting anyone reign on your parade to boot. You will never get back that day, and have her be there with you, in those pictures, but that is not something you will need to ‘get over’, but rather something she will need to get over!! Best of luck!
Post # 8
Shneeks: you poor thing. I’m so sorry. Embrace the fact that you are creating a new family with your husband and look into narcissistic personality disorder. Your mom sounds like she’s got all kinds of issues.
Post # 9
I am really sorry this happened. I’m guessing you mother has a history of manipulative and passive aggressive (or just aggressive) behavior? Or was this a total shock from her?
I know the standard thing to say here is to just focus on the fact that you are married to your best friend and going to start your own family. But, honesty, you have every right to be furious. I would actually probably go into counseling to process all the things she put you through this weekend. What she did was horrible and emotionally abusive. If I were in your position, I would totally begin to reconsider what role my mother would get to have in my life. Sometimes the people who gave birth to us are not actually our real family; just because she is your blood does not mean she is entitled to manipulate you.
Post # 10
Shneeks: Please google “daughters of narcissistic mothers.” There is a wealth of information on dealing with moms like yours. *hugs*
Post # 11
I think some details are missing. I at first assumed your mom is on something or maybe a bit off mentally but if your sister was also insisting you needed to apologize I want to know what their side of it is….
Post # 12
kimmo416: They say time heals all right?! I am definitely going to put some space there for the time being and see what happens. I feel like I need to for the well being of my husband and myself. Maybe as time goes on I will be able to revist the situation with her and have some sort of dialogue ready. I definitely feel that at this time some boundaries are needed. She does have a history of being emotionally absent but this sort of behaviour directed towards me is new.
eilean: I have actually reached out to a former counsellor I had to help me process this, I feel like that’s a smart option at this point. And the counsellor has a good understanding of the dynamics in our relationship, which is also beneficial. She definitely has a history of manipulative and passive agressive behaviour, but this takes the cake. It’s never been so blantantly directed towards me in such an agressive manner. And I agree that blood doesn’t always mean family. There were many people there that I am blessed to have apart of my life to make up a positive family dynamic.
OUgal0004: I like the idea of writing a letter, I think that’s a really good idea. Going to give it some space and then try that approach.
Post # 13
Your mother sounds BSC… and your sister is taking up the rear.
I’m sorry that this was the case and that you’re dealing with this. Truth be told, it sounds like you handled it as best you could given the circumstances. I know its hard to let go of because its “mom”, ya know? But your mom sounds like an immature, childish, self-obsessed beast.
Whats done is done. Best to give everyone their space and leave it be.
Post # 14
gelaine22: Sorry, to calrify. My sister was insisting that I apologize to my Mother. She had arrived on a flight later that evening, as I said I was running around taking care of other things at the resort so I have no idea what their conversation was. All I know is that my Mother and Cousin had an argument when we arrived, both were very upset. By the time I had heard of the incident my Mother was with my Sister, shortly after my Mother was in bed. I didn’t see her for the remainder of the day, until the following day when she was pretty unresponsive to a dialogue with me. After she had left the table was when my sister stated to me that she was upset. My sister being upset with me I believe was a miscommunication/ her getting there and hearing my Mom upset, that kind of thing. As I stated, she did apologize for missing the wedding and pretty much stated she should have been there regardless. After some time and space there’s no doubt in my mind my sister and I will be fine. I personally need to regroup after the week but in reality I think she was kinda caught in the “line of fire” type thing, definitely miscommunication there.
Post # 15
Shneeks: Sorry this happened to you. From what you have described, it does appear that your Mom is inherently unable to communicate her needs to you in an appropriate manner and she doesn’t realize that her actions and behaviors are actually unaccecptable and hurtful. As a pp has stated, she does come across as have narcisstic tendacies, and you may have noticed her behaving inappropriately with people in the past before. Usually, people who are deemed to be narcissists are unable to carry on relationships with other people and lack inter personal skills that is needed to do so.
Your story and the way you described your Mother’s behaviour really hit home for me because that is exactly how my Mother would act if something rubbed her the wrong way, even if it was a perceived slight (imagined or otherwise), her mind immediately goes to a dark place and she does really hurtful or spiteful things to try to “get back” at another person.
Unfortunately, unless you two are able to find common ground on what happened that caused her to react in such a way, and at least get her to apologize for her actions, you are going to always be left wondering why she did what she did and continue to feel that hurt when you remember back to that day.
I do second what Astra suggested above in that you should do some research on narcisstic personal disorder which should help you understand better what might be going on with your Mom.