Post # 1
My parents divorced 2 years ago but have been seperated for 7 and half years. It ended really badly because my father was always cheating on my mom and he left her in a lot of debt. He disappeared and debt collectors couldn’t find him so they took money from my mom since they were legally married. So she hates him now. And my father had no interest in me or my sister for the past 7 and half years. It took me 2 days to track down my father to tell him I was getting married. And my fiance is a sweetie and asked for my mom’s permission to marry me, he couldn’t ask my father because no one knows exactly where he is! All I know is he is somewhere in Mexico with his new wife and stepchildren.
My sister called him not to long ago and asked if he would be at my wedding. His response was I’ll see. He tried to say he didn’t have money to spend. But I know he likes to come up to the U.S. a few times a year (of course he never sees me) so money really isn’t the issue.
I told my mother what my father said. And her response was he shouldn’t be invited anyways, in fact he should be banned from the wedding. And I said uh huh and maybe you’re right so I wouldn’t start an argument with her.
I know my father has little interest in attending my wedding but I wanted to persuade him to go. This is a once in a lifetime event and I feel like he should attend. But part of me is hurt at how he treated my mom, sister and me and think maybe my mother has a point. Should I persuade him or should I just not invite him at all like my mother suggested?
Post # 3
Wow. Kuddos to you. After the way my father treated everyone in my family I pretty much threw his ass to the curve. After a few years he would take photos I would post on fb and pretend he still had a relationship with us. This was of course a lie, and I messaged him to stop. He gave me a sob story and I told him I had no interest in having a person like him in my life regardless of the fact hes my father. He tried to defend his actions which couldnt be defended and swore up and down my mom was behind my choice (which she wasn’t)
When my Fi and I started dating 5 years ago, it had already been 3 years since I cut him out of my life. One of his brothers (my uncle) became a huge part of my life and pretty much father figure. My fi asked him last year for my hand and he’ll be dancing the father daughter dance with me.
IMHO: If he cared, he would have said yes. If he cared, he wouldnt have treated your mom the way he did, or abandoned you guys to start a new family… but follow your heart. Just make sure you don’t get too invested, he might not show.
Post # 4
@hispbeauty: I know he is your father but really, why do you want him there? If he has little interest in attending, and your mother will be upset that he is there, why do you want to persuade him to go?
I am just trying to understand why you are trying to get him there when he doesnt seem interested and it might cause a lot of drama for you rmom who you are close with?
Post # 5
@hispbeauty: I think your day is about you & your groom, if you want to invite your father then do it. If you need to tell him that it would be really important to you for him to be there, then do that to. Like you said, this is a once in a lifetime event so there’s no redoing, which means you should do what you want to do.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t persuade him if I were you…I would just send him an invitation and see if he comes on his own. He may be a sucky person, but like you said, it’s a once in a lifetime event…so you invite him and the rest is up to him. If he does show up, great, he participated. If not, whatevs, most of you won’t miss him.
Post # 7
I guess I should add that my Grandma (his mom) tries to get him involved in my life. And she keeps saying that one day he will come around and be part of my sister’s and my life again. And I know it’s not realistic but part of me hopes that if I invite him maybe he will realize what he’s missing and will want to be part of my life. Anyone else who has an absent father just wish they could make them see what they are missing? And does anyone else feel like they are missing out when they see their freinds with their fathers? Are these normal feelings to have?
Post # 8
@hispbeauty: To answer the first question, no. I don’t want him in my life. He’s a crappy person and was for years and to lots of people not just us.
And to answer the second question yes and no. I wish he would have been a good father. I wish he would have made better choices and handled things differently. Wish he wasn’t an ass. I wish he would have put me first. I wish he wouldn’t havbe been violent as I got older and verbally abusive. So when I see loving and caring fathers I do become a little sad. But I’ve been very blessed to have lots of uncles, one in particular who IS like my father and a FFIL who is pretty great for the most part and calls me/treats me like his daughter, my best friends dad who treats me like his own… I mean, I can’t complain, I lost a shitty person and was blessed with other people who WILLINGLY choose to be there. That makes me happy. 😀
And yes, its normal to have those feelings. It seems like even though he messed up you still love him very much, which is what makes it hurt all the more.
Post # 9
@hispbeauty: How old were you when he left, and has your mother been supporting you for any of that 7 years?
If your mother has been supporting you, then I think your father has forfeited the right to attend. Not to mention the (effectively) stealing from your mother by leaving her with his debts.
If you’ve been independent, then it’s less clear cut. But I’d still have trouble inviting someone who treated my mother so badly. (It’s not just the cheating – my father did that too – but the way he left your mother with his debt).
Post # 10
You can sit there and invite him. However, don’t put all your hopes that he will be there. If he wants to be in your life, he would make an effort.
I know from experience what it is like to have a non-existing parent. My mother is an excellent example.
Post # 11
My father left when I was 16. And I’ve been supporting myself for the past 3 years now. I love my mom more than anything. She will be the only one giving me away and I will have a mohter/daughter dance with her. But I would have a hard time telling my father he can’t go since most of his side of his family is going to attend. And I know if I banned him my grandma, aunts and uncles would have a fit. His side of the family asctually still talks to me and is invovled in my life. So it just puts me in a very awkward position.
I think I’ll just do what boogiewoogies suggested and will send him an invitation but not persuade him to go. So if he doesn’t show up his side of the family won’t get mad at me because I sent an invitation and he was the one who decided not to show.
@MrsCasanova- Okay I’m glad I’m not the only one to have these feelings. And that’s so awesome that you have these other father figures in your life! My ffil is wonderful and absolutely loves me, so that sometimes eases the pain of my father not being around.
Post # 12
@hispbeauty: “I think I’ll just do what boogiewoogies suggested and will send him an invitation but not persuade him to go. So if he doesn’t show up his side of the family won’t get mad at me because I sent an invitation and he was the one who decided not to show.”
Yes. Exactly this.
I’m so sorry that you, your mother, and your sister have been treated so poorly by your father, but I agree with your decision to invite him to the wedding and to leave the rest up to him.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@hispbeauty: I think you are only going to get hurt by your dad if you actively encourage him to attend and he doesn’t. Send him an invitation and let him decide. If he chooses to go, awesome. If he doesn’t, then you know what kind of role he wants in your married life and with your future kids should you have any. You can’t make someone want to spend time with you. It sucks that it’s your father but that makes him the bad person, not you.
Post # 14
No you’re not out of line for having these feelings, but do you think deep down him seeing what he’s missing will make him try to be clsoe again with you two. He hasn’t even sent a postcard since he left. Of course his mother is going to make excuses for him, he’s her son. I think it’s wonderful your Dad’s side of the family is coming to your wedding.
When my brother (half brother) got married he looked at it more like a priviledge to be at his wedding. He didn’t want to cause pain for his Mom and the man he thought of as his Dad on such a happy day. He said he would be busy with the wedding stuff and it’s not like he would have deep discussions with his sperm donar at his wedding. (He tracked him down about 10years later and they haven’t talked again).
Your dad hasn’t made any effort, where would you send the invite? Would his wife come and the step kids? Will it make a great day a downer for the people who have been there for you? I just don’t think you’ll accomplish much by having him there.
Post # 15
You are obviously generous and forgiving in spirit. Just because a lot of people would not invite him in your place, and I have to be honest, in your place I probably would not at this stage, all that counts is how you feel. I would not be putting any kind of pressure on him to attend, though.
People can grow and learn from past mistakes, even big ones. I hope that eventually your father will be one of them. If you feel that an invitation leaves the door open for possible reconciliation in the future, no one can argue with that.
Post # 16
I also have lots of issues with my father… All I want to say is please do not get your hopes up if he does in fact come. It is possible that it could stir up a lot of feelings for you both. Dont let the “reunion” control your day. Also, if you do not want his new wife or stepkids to come, make that apparent from the invite…