My mother will not be attending my wedding…

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: If you were in my situation, would you cut your mom out of your life?
    Yes, she's toxic and you can only take so much! : (12 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, but send her an email first and be done : (10 votes)
    13 %
    No, she's still your mom : (14 votes)
    18 %
    No, but have very little to do with her : (44 votes)
    55 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    She’s making a giant statement about not coming to your very small intimate wedding. I wouldn’t outright cut her off, but I would start pulling away from her if I were in your shoes.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7282 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    When you say she’s always been “like this” you whole life what exactly do you mean? I take it you don’t believe that she has panic attacks? Or she makes excuses?

    Post # 6
    Member
    1826 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:  For someone that has panic attacks a group of 30 is a large gathering.

    Post # 8
    Member
    935 posts
    Busy bee

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:  Im pulling for you! try to somehow have that conversation in person and get down to what the real issue is, and dont back down. make sure she knows that this is hurtful and demand an answer, no more excuses. Im really sorry to hear this.

    Post # 10
    Member
    7282 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:  Oh okay.  I relate because my older sister is the same way. I had to simply adjust my expectations. I know you its your mom and you can’t help but hope that for one day she wouldn’t be herself, but sadly that’s not the case. I haven’t cut off my sister either, although there have been times when I’ve been close. I just have to accept there are screws loose and she is who she is. I have no control over her or her behavior, I can only control how I choose to react.

    And frankly if your mom is like my sis, they partially do this stuff for attention. She wants you upset and worried over this. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Say “Okay, I’ll miss you” and leave it at that. She’s going to do what she wants no matter how much you stress or fuss over this. So why bother feeding energy into it. 

    These next two weeks are going to be stressful enough. Cross this off the list as soemthing to worry about. 

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    2102 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would emotionally start to detach… like lower your expectations… 

    You KNOW she’s like this, so you’re not going to want her to come in a strange state of mind anyway so leave it up to her and don’t expect much… 

    If she comes, great –  she must have felt comfortable enough to do so.

    If she doesn’t, she’s dealing with her own demons and you probably wouldn’t want that around for one more thing to worry about at your wedding anyway.

    I’m sorry she’s like this and your relationship has sort of become a bit jaded because of her condition but she’s still your mom and you shouldn’t ever cut family off completely unless they are abusive – I don’t think she’s being abusive, she just has some personal issues. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    3948 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:   I agree with PP on the “we’ll miss you” – practice saying it in a bland tone of voice – and enjoy your wedding wholeheartedly.  She can see the photos later.  You don’t need that drama.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    7282 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:  There is nothing else to do. I know its frustrating. You want to scream at the top of your lungs and shake them into behaving “normal” but they don’t know what normal is. I know its easier said than done, but practice not reacting to her stuff from this moment on. Over time you will defintely feel a power shift. You have to make a choice to take away their ablity to manipulate your feelings. I’m going to visit my sister tonight and I’ll ready know the drama she’s going to try to bring. So I’m partically telling you as much as I’m telling myself, to just let them and their drama go.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1826 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @FutureMrsShrewsbury:  That wasn’t stated in your OP….it was hard to read what you were talking about in it.

    I have family like this as well. I have cut some off and continue to talk to others but I tell them exactly what I think and how I feel…and then put their behaviour right back on them.

    You want to complain about a large gathering? Ok, we’ll miss you.

    You don’t like what I’m doing? Good thing you’re not doing it then.

    You want something for the wedding? Keep that in mind when/next time you get married.

    If she’s been like this all her life she is not going to change just for your wedding. It really sucks…but it is out of your control. It’s time to detach from that and only you can decide whether you want to do that from a distance or not.

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