- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2010
I need some wedding bee good vibes. I think you need a bit of emotional background. My dad died a year ago and DF and I got engaged this February. My mum is paying for our wedding as thats what always happens around here. If people find out you pay for your own wedding, its seen as a slight on your parents, that you’ve had a big falling out etc etc. DF and I want a smaller wedding, mum is insisting its her only time to put on something and we have agreed to go up to 100 people.
As it is small (weddings here are normally 250+ black tie dinner dances), I only have 1 bridesmaid, my younger cousin who I love to death. No friends as BMs etc, even if I was BM for them. We have a provisional guest list of 100 (nearly half of which are people my mum “has” to invite our my dad would have been devastated. Our rule for our provisional guest list for our friends etc is that if we haven’t seen/ spoken in a year, they aren’t on the list.
Yesterday my mum and I were getting ready to go to the synagogue as it is the Saturday closest to the Jewish anniversay of my dad’s death. She asks me if I will ask her friends 13 year old daughter to be my BM. I was a BM for her friend when she got married 15 years ago. She has mentioned this to me before but I’ve ignored it. She then started to cry and say that she has given in over everything for our wedding, and this is something she really wants, and why won’t I do it for her. I had to say yes.
The problem is, I do not want the girl in my wedding. When I spoke to DF about it, he didn’t know who she was, has never met her, misheard her name and needed a detailed explanation as to who she is. I haven’t seen her in 5 years. Her bat mitzvah was last year, they had a party for 150 people and DF and I weren’t invited. I also think its weird for the girl. She will be 14 when it is the wedding. What 14 year old girl wants to have to come to a wedding where she doesn’t know a soul, let alone be a BM for somebody that she has only met 4 times and not seen for 5 years. Its just not fair on her.
I know that my cousin will be upset as she thinks she is the special one, my aunt will be upset as it takes away from my cousin. I don’t want this girl to be on my wedding photos for the rest of my life. If I wanted more BMs, then I would ask my friends. I’ve been engaged for 6 months and everybody knows I only have one BM, and people will think its strange that I suddenly have another one who I never talk about at all.
I’ve spoken to my mother again this morning about it. She thinks its “a nice thing to do” and can’t get the explanation, that it is HER friends daughter and not MY friends daughter. I’ve explained all of the above, and that I don’t want her in my wedding. I have explained that she insists on it, then I will have her, but I have no desire at all to have her.
My mother’s reply to this is she will speak to her mother to see if the girl would like to be a BM!
I am so upset over this. Its total emotional blackmail. I know the friend is her best friend and has been amazing to her since my dad died. But I don’t want her in my wedding and don’t see why she wants to make me. I can’t say no to my mum, because it would break her heart and its so the worst time at the moment. All I can say is that I don’t want her at all and give the final decision to her and hope she sees sense to do the right thing.