Post # 1
I grew up without religion. I was not baptized. I have no interest in religion.
FI grew up Catholic, but does not practice. Has only stepped foot in a church for funerals in the past 10 years.
Neither of us want to be married by a minister/priest/what have you.
When talking to FMIL, she came out with “my only request is that you get married by a minister of some sort.”
The idea makes me horribly uncomfortable. I don’t feel as though that is something we should have to budge on, as it is outside our beliefs. We have no plans to raise our children Catholic, although I know she is hoping we will.
I guess the same situation happened with FI’s older brother. FMIL and grandmother got super upset, guilt tripped until my FBIL gave in and cancelled his JOP and found a minister.
I really do not want to go there. The grandmother has since passed and we’ve gotten “It’s how your grandmother would have wanted it.” Sigh… using a deceased family member against my FI really irked me.
Any suggestions on what to do? FI’s parents have contributed about 6k to the wedding. Same as my parents (who pressure nothing and have a very ‘do what makes you happy’ attitude).
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Do you by any chance have a friend who is a minister? would you feel better about it if you have a minister marry you but the ceremony wasn’t in a church and the religious stuff was kept to a strict minimum? There are ministers out there perfectly happy to marry those not committed to the faith.
or just f them and do what you want. If you have to give back the money, so be it. It’s your wedding.
Post # 4
Well, minister doesn’t mean priest. You can find many officiants who are ordained Unitarians; they are basically spiritual humanists, but still ministers. I was married by one the first time around in part to semi-placate Catholic in-laws; it wasn’t a big deal.
Post # 5
@Jw1724: Our officiant is a friend of the family and the Best Man’s uncle. He owns a motorcycle shop, a bar, a used car lot, and just so happens to be an ordained minister. You might be surprised at who you find that’s ordained!
Post # 6
My parents made a similar request even though I don’t regularly go to church and neither do they (although I was raised vaguely Christian and FIs family is entirely athiest). I went out and found a church that supports causes I believe in and whose values don’t clash with mine (they inducted an openly lesbian couple as new church members on Easter Sunday–not bad!). The minister has agreed to a mostly secular service because that’s all we’re comfortable with.
We agreed not because we want to be married by a religious leader, but because it keeps the drama away. I think trying to find someone who is ordained but understands your reservations is probably the best route. If she said minister and not priest you’re off the hook for anything Catholic, which will make a religion-lite service much easier to achieve.
Post # 7
See? I’m totally clueless haha. I have no idea the differences between minister, priest, etc. Pretty sad. The Unitarian sounds like a good way to go… you ladies are awesome.
Post # 8
“her only request”? she doesn’t get to make requests if she’s not paying.
update: sorry! i just read that they did in fact pay. we did a regular ceremony, secular, the way we wanted it, and then we had a little private “blessing” performed by a minister, in front of my husband’s family. seemed like a good compromise. we weren’t actually married by her, but they still got what they wanted (sort of)
Post # 9
@Jw1724: If you have someone who means a lot to you and FI, you could ask if they would be willing to get ordained. You can do it online…
Post # 10
My fiance and I went through the same thing. We ended up booking a non denominational church to meet in the middle, his dad was still unhappy we weren’t having a catholic wedding, but we could only compromise so much. Good luck!
Post # 11
@bebero: She is paying 6k towards our wedding.
edit! woops just saw YOUR edit! lol!
Post # 12
I’m assuming when she says “by a minister” she is meaning someone who is actually a religous officiant as opposed to someone who is just a “wedding officiant” and is ordanced to only perform weddings (which is actually popular where I live, as we’re a destination wedding area).
That being said, like others mentioned, you’d be surprised who you can find when looking. My “minister” (who is a good friend of mine) is a local wedding officiant and while now he pretty much only marries people he is in fact retired from church ministry. These days most of the ceremonies he preforms are non-denominational but because he is a seminary ordained minister (and personally religious) he does also perform ceremonies with a more religous undertone.
Post # 13
@ArtDecoDC: Thank you for the tips! I’m going to go this route I think.
Post # 14
@Jw1724: On a related note, I just got ordained online.. 5 minutes ago.
Post # 15
@s2bmrscook: Wanna do my wedding?! haha