- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
…in fact, we haven’t spoken for five months.
I tend to preface this story with ‘my sister killed herself two years ago’ as if it’s an excuse for what has happened – but it isn’t. My mother in particular has always been controlling, and the thing she has looked forward to most (apparently) is ‘doing her daughter’s wedding’. Well, now I’m the only daughter left and I just happened to get engaged… yeah, you can guess.
It started innocently enough. First it was little complaints about feeling left out of ‘wedding preparations’. This was THREE WEEKS after we got engaged.
Then it became waiting for my FMIL to do the invitations (she’s a very craft-y person and made the most beautiful handmade invites) then arguing with me down the phone because ‘I should know’ it is tradition for the Bride’s mother to do the invites. I’m 25, an agnostic student doctor with three tattoos and a piercing or four and I can safely say I have NO idea about a lot of wedding traditions. She also knows this.
It then got a lot, lot worse when my FH and I chose our wedding destination – which is two hours closer to his family (which is huge) than mine (which is very small). I have been called inconsiderate, selfish and accused of loving ‘his parents more’. I should have seen it coming, particularly since my FH caught me on google maps drawing a line across the UK that was equidistant between my family and his. His horror at seeing me doing that, knowing what was coming, made me decide to just coose somewhere we liked. You know how THAT turned out…
Then came the threat to ‘take my dress back and not help with the flowers’ if I didn’t include her more. The dress was bought with money from my sister’s estate following her death – my parents did not pay for it. I challenged her on it and she denied ever having said it – to the point of demanding an apology from me for even SUGGESTING she could say such a thing.
After that it only got worse.
When I refused to apologise for saying she would make such a threat, more comments came my way. ‘Your brother is depressed, but you and your FH are so wrapped up in each other you don’t care about anybody else’, There were comments like ‘I am so far above you’.
My father, after joking with me only a month before about how my nan would only come to the wedding if it was held in her living room, began telling me about how because of our choice of venue she wouldn’t be able to see her granddaughter get married – and that that was my fault.
I hadn’t let my FH get involved besides giving me a shoulder to cry on (and there were a LOT of tears), but at this point he did, backing me up in speakerphone calls and reiterating my pleading for us to just move the hell on. This resulted in my mother turning on him too, saying he was being ‘awful to her’ and dissing his parents in front of him.
After another argument, I asked her why she thought she could behave like this. Her reply was ”I can treat you how I like because you’re ONLY my daughter – when you have children you will understand’.
I flat out told her that I will never, EVER treat my future children like this. She hung up.
I was phoned by my dad twenty minutes later, and he told me they no longer wanted any contact with me whatsoever, and I would be getting married without them.
That was five months ago, and there has been no contact since. My brothers are still coming to the wedding, but neither want to get involved and say it is between us – and I feel like the black sheep that nobody from my family will support.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t heartbroken about it, but I cannot shake the feeling that I did something wrong after all. My FH and his family are beyond amazing and I already feel part of them – but at the same time I feel as if I’m walking around without a head or something. Like something integral is missing.
I don’t know what I’m looking for by writing this, but it’s nice just to air the heartbreak. I have asked my FH’s dad to walk me down the aisle, and he says he would be honoured – as would I.
But there will still be two very important empty seats.