Post # 1
I’m planning (and paying for) my second wedding – a small event with 20 guests. My parents divorced four years ago after my father had an affair. He is currently engaged to the woman he had an affair with.
My mother refuses to attend my wedding if my Dad’s partner attends. (The partner was not permitted to attend my first wedding.) However, my Dad says he likely won’t attend if his fiancee is not invited this time around.
My brother believes that because no unmarried guests are allowed to bring dates, my father shouldn’t receive special treatment. I’m extremely upset with both of my parents at this point and unsure of what to do. Please help. 🙁
Post # 3
@soontobemrsemr: Tell them you’ll miss them both…or tell them to start acting like grownups and put aside the nonsense for just one day (actually just a few hours in a day). This situation is more the norm now, and people just need to act like the grownups they claim to be, take a deep breath and just act like civil human beings. And if they can’t, well, then shame on them!
Post # 4
Invite them both (and your father’s fiance) and see what happens. If they decline, tell them you’ll miss their presence and you’re very sorry they can’t put aside their differences for their daughter for a few hours. It’ll hopefully put things in perspective. And if it doesn’t, well…it’s really their huge loss for being so childish.
Post # 6
Your Mom needs to understand that she is giving all her power away to her ex-husband. It is normal to be upset and angry when you find out your partner has cheated on you. To be still so angry and/or fragile years later that you can’t even be in the same room with him and his new partner is not normal or healthy.
It’s amazing that so many women are more angry at the other woman than they are at their ex-partner. She can be in the same room as him, but not her.
I would sit down and have a talk with her to see if she can understand why she is still letting him push her buttons. She may also be uncomfortable that she will not have an escort.
If she can screw up the courage to attend, keep her head held high and behave in a dignified manner, she will be empowered to move on in her life.
Post # 7
Invite them all, and tell them to all to grow up if they say something stupid like “if she’s there, I won’t go” It’s not a reunion, it’s your wedding for crying out loud! It’s been 4 years, let it go…
Post # 8
Its selfish from both of them. But, not that its right, I understand how your mom might feel to see them together on her daughter’s wedding. Your mom is still hurt and doesn’t want to be reminded of the hurt your father out on her and its a slap in the face to have her at your wedding . Your dad should understand and respect how awkward its going to be for your mother and let her enjoy this day without having to feel sad, hurt, mad because of the “other” women. Its probably not a fair situation for anyone, but your dad is being selfish and just make this about you. He should want to be there no matter what.
Post # 9
Ouch. Well, I see all sides of this situation. The intimate nature of your wedding means that it would be nearly impossible for your mother to not interact with your father’s FI, making it a very trying experience for her. Your father has chosen to marry this woman and does not want to disrespect her by attending an event where she’s not welcome. And you’re stuck in the middle, waiting for something to give.
Personally, I’d probably invite all 3 to the wedding and let the chips fall where they may. They’re all adults and will need to make the decision that works for them. Do you believe that your dad and his partner would do anything to make the situation worse? If not, I think it’s (unfortunately) on your mom to be the bigger person here. It will be hard for her, so I would be sure to acknowledge her feelings and thank her. And if she tells you that she won’t come, I’d be tempted to ask what lengths she expects you to go to in order to keep her and your father’s FI apart in the future. Will you be forced to throw separate birthday parties for your kids so that both grandparents can attend? What about holidays, graduations, etc.? Maybe she’ll understand that what she’s asking would just be too difficult to keep up indefinitely.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Personally, I would invite mom and tell dad I’m sorry but only he is invited and that should he choose not to attend you’re sorry he can’t make it. Not only did he cheat on your mom with this woman, he maintained a relationship with her after the fact. He should respect you enough to know that you want both parents at the wedding and that bringing his partner would cause your mother not to attend and therefore cause you grief on your wedding day. He needs to be a man and tell his partner it’s not appropriate for her to attend your wedding.
I had a similar situation where all three attended the wedding and some very hurtful things were said that I didn’t find out about until months later.
Post # 11
They are both being selfish, but I think your dad is being more selfish. Your mother is acting immature as hell, but I do see where she is coming from.
Your father should be able to handle being away from his SO for a few hours, and it’s not like you are uber close to his SO. Why can’t she buck up and insist your father go? I would work on your father first, and then if he isn’t budging, insist your mother attend anyway.
Post # 12
I think they both are being very immature. As a mom, I can’t imagine possibly missing my daughter’s wedding over something like this.
Invite them all and see how things go. This woman is marrying your dad, she isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, it would be best for everyone to just find a way to get through it now.
Post # 13
After Reading the other ladies post, I have to agree as well. Although, I’m sure it is a tough situation for your mom, she should be empower her position and be the bigger person, for her own pride and state of mind.
Post # 14
Divorce sucks !!
I can say this both as a Woman who had a horrific Divorce, and as an Adult Child of Divorced Parents.
Some people honestly never get over it (a lot depends I find on how long they were married, or the circumstances that caused the Divorce to begin with)
And as someone who has been in those shoes… I GET IT
When my oldest got engaged and was planning her Wedding, I was not at all “crazed” about the idea of having to go to the Wedding and “stand up” with her Dad (my Ex). I didn’t want to put on an act all day, just for him, or the photographer.
So I get your Mother’s POV
But that said, to be honest, it is all more THEIR PROBLEM… than yours.
But I also understand that it is going to impact YOU on YOUR WEDDING DAY
My best advice… plan a very small Wedding
Actually I am guessing this is what your Brother believes is right too (and obviously he knows the situation as well as you do)
Make it sooo small that it can only be a handful of people… and NO Extras.
That or… as 3xaCharm: suggested ELOPE
I am getting married for a second time around myself, and I am sooo HAPPY to be Eloping, it elimates ALL the FAMILY DRAMA (I had enough of that the first time round… and I take it you did too)
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
They need to grow up and realize the day is about two people, YOU and your FI. NOT them. They can handle to sit near each other for 2-4 hours! They don’t have to talk, they just have to be civil and support you and your new marriage.
As for your dad’s FI, I say that she’s going to be family soon (and I know that there are a LOT of bitter feelings all around about her) but I would invite her.
Post # 16
@soontobemrsemr: As much as it stinks that you are in this position, I think you should invite your dad, his fiancee, and your mom. And then tell your mom that it will break your heart if she’s not there, and ask what you can do to make the day easier for her — could she bring a very close friend as a support?