(Closed) my parents don’t know the real me….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You poor thing. It sounds like they’re putting their wants above your legitimate feelings about your big day. Bear in mind, they are probably acting this way because they will want to celebrate, and alcohol sounds like a big part of how they celebrate.

 

How much leverage do you have? If you can put your foot down and say “no alcohol”, I think you should. It sounds it makes you very uncomfortable, and you’re right, you don’t want your wedding to turn into something that doesn’t reflect the type of people you and your FI are. If you do go down this route, I think it would be a good idea to put some effort into planning the after party, so that they do have somewhere they can celebrate and so they don’t feel completely excluded. 

 

Hope things work out. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Are we the same person?

LOL. I am in the EXACT SAME SITUATION! FI is very strict Nazarene and my family…is…well…not. His family does not even dance! At first we were going to host a bar but after seeing how everyone in my family acted at my brothers wedding we decided to have a cash bar. My family thinks it sucks but too bad. 

If you want to have a certain atmosphere at your wedding then so be it. It’s your decision. If your family is anything like mine I think you are making a wise decision. Good luck! It will be beautiful!

Post # 5
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

@mrstj2b: You have legitimate reasons for not wanting a keg.  You have the right to remember your day as “really nice and elegant” too, not just the guests.  For this battle- Foot down, chin up!

Post # 6
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are definitely not crazy. You know what you want and you have every reason to want your day the way you want it. I’ve been part of an after party of a dry wedding, its been fantastic to celebrate with the bride and groom, so nice of them to feed us, and then for some guests to go on and get any libations we want to afterwards. No requirement for a keg! You need to stress that your wedding is about your marriage, not a big free for all party. 

Post # 7
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

You sound like my younger daughter and all the very hurtful comparisons she made about our family and her FI’s family. She made it seem like they never cursed or spoke unkindly about anyone or anything and she never saw them take a drink, no dancing, church goers,etc. We were highly insulted, as it seemed to us like she was saying his family was somehow ‘better’.

We are social drinkers only (and I never have more than one) and try to be the best people we can be, so to be compared so unfairly and to lump us all into some random category when planning their wedding really got to me. His family offered no help at all, and even on the wedding day as we (my family) were madly scrambling to set up the ballroom, his Dad and SM stood there like zombies and just watched us, never offering to lend a hand. Big deal…they paid for the rehearsal dinner, so that was enough?

We had a full open bar at the wedding, regardless of only half the guests utilizing it. Why should our friends and family suffer because they didn’t drink? They sat on one side of the room like a bunch of duds and looked completely out of place as they hugged their seats. Even the DJ couldn’t get them to get up and move around, but did we care? Not for a minute. They couldn’t control us and we couldn’t care less if that’s the way they wanted to be…their loss.

Now that I know my SIL’s family better from a few gatherings, it turns out that they really are not what my daughter said they were. They are the most judgemental, rude and condescending people I’ve ever met and are the kind who hide behind their religion. Thank goodness my daughter realizes how wrong she was and really enjoyed her wedding despite worrying about what they would think, and her new husband was right beside her having the time of his life.

Only you know your family and how they act at gatherings, so I guess you should make the call. I’m betting, tho, that you wouldn’t even notice if your family over imbibed. You’ll be too busy being happy about your wedding and marriage!

Post # 8
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@ItWasntMe:

What a fabulous reply and so refreshing to hear the other side of things.  The OPs post does seem a bit judgemental of her own family but perhaps they really are crazed alcoholics that rush a keg as soon as it appears.  For me, (for me, me, me everyone, not saying anyone else, lol) an elegant affair is one with a cocktail hour and fine wine and food.  So a dry reception wouldn’t really be one I would remember as ‘elegant’ (probably, not definetly) but then, neither would one with a keg (only ever saw those at kegger parties).  A wedding with a keg sounds like fun to me, but I wouldn’t say ‘elegant’. 

OP – the real question is, who is paying for your wedding?  If you are – then by all means, make it dry.  If they are, then you’ll have to do what they are comfortable doing for the guests.  Can you not just have wine poured during dinner?  Almost all weddings I’ve been to have the servers pouring a red or white during dinner at the table and since they are pouring it, you can’t really go crazy, you know?  That might be a nice compromise and keep it elegant, as you wanted.

Post # 10
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

You said you want an elegant really nice wedding and the keg won’t fit in because your family will get so drunk. While if they are that determined to get drunk, a cash bar won’t stop them. I went to a wedding where there was a champagne toast and a drink served with dinner like wine or a signature drink. That’s really the only way to limit them.

Post # 11
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Have you proposed the keg at an after party to them?

Post # 12
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@mrstj2b:

No sweetie, I don’t think you’re being judgmental.  I didn’t mean to make it sound like you were in my other post – I was trying to say that it may sound judgemental but you may know that they go nuts around kegs and it sounds like they do.

It’s a shame that they wouldn’t find the wine a compromise as I think it would be really nice.  Don’t give in on the keg.  Sounds like it will be a problem and could be embarrasing for you.  Plus, you don’t want to have those types of worries on your wedding day.  Are you paying or are they?

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ugh this situation stinks.  I am sorry to hear your father has said things like that to you.  That’s so hurtful.  I don’t really have any advice to give but I hope you can work it out. I am having a full open bar at my reception, but I too would not like the idea of a keg, it seems like something you drink from when you are 21 and in college.  A cash bar seems like a good compromise, and hopefully they will see the light.  This is your wedding, not a college keg party.

Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

OP: I had an open bar at my reception.  I thought that my friends (who are party animals) would be a bit ridiculous- which I wasn’t too worried about, I wanted a party…but some people can go a bit crazy with the open bar (including myself).  I was pleasantly surprised.  The tab and the consumption was not at all what I was expecting.  Sure, a couple of people were tipsy…but again, I wanted a true elegant cocktail party, which is what I got.   There was an after party where insanity occurred, but I wasn’t there to see or experience it.  🙂

The above is to explain where I am coming from.

Here’s the thing: you KNOW that your family can’t control themselves around a keg.  You’re willing to compromise by having a cash bar, which they aren’t willing to consider.  You are not wrong to want the event the way you want it.  It is your wedding and if you’re not comfortable having a keg then that should be it.  

Have you looked into serving a limited bar (beer and wine provided, but any hard stuff is cash)?  IF people have to go to a server and ask for a bottle or draft beer, I would imagine that they would consume less.  Also, the server should (legally) control the amount of booze each person is consuming while ensuring that folks have a good time.  This way, you get your elegant party, while not having a keg where people can over-serve themselves.

EDIT:  Just because what you are proposing isn’t the norm in your family does not mean that it is wrong.  I would try to figure out if your parents’ concern is that they do not want guests paying for anything at your wedding or if they just want a keg because…that’s what a wedding is to them.  We can help you with both problems 🙂  but they are different.

Post # 15
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ItWasntMe: I do take exception to some of the things you mentioned in your post.  Just because people don’t feel comfortable dancing (for whatever reason) doesn’t mean they’re “duds”.  And you and your family would “suffer” if there isn’t alcohol at the wedding?  Really?  I think anybody should be quite capable of enjoying themselves at a wedding, regardless if alcohol is present or not.

I think everyone should note that in some jurisdictions, the hosts can be held responsible if an alcohol-related incident involves one of their guests (eg DUI-related death after leaving the wedding), so there are down sides to serving unlimited amounts of alcohol.

My FI and I are taking the middle road – we don’t have an open (or cash) bar, but are serving wine with dinner.  We are getting married at a resort, and there are plenty of bars available for after the reception for whoever is interested.

Post # 16
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh goodness. I can see why you’re upset. A Keg at a wedding? I like what PP said abotu a limited bar. Just beer and wine.

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