Post # 1
I’m getting married next year in April, but need some objective thoughts. About a month ago, my parents, who have in the past managed to ruin almost every nice moment in my life to date (getting my first rental home, buying my first house, graduating, annoucing my engagement), tried to interfere in something my sister and I were working out (a simple simbling spat – nothing more).
The issue (my sister giving me a real hard time on my wedding dress shopping day) then became an issue with my parents, with me as the ‘evil one’. Following 11 – that’s right – 11 non-stop phone calls from my Dad after he kept yelling at me on the phone, came the bullying text messages, saying I was a controlling, manipulative person who was uncarying as well.
My partner and I decided enough was enough, and we went to my parents home to calmly disucss what ‘boundaries’ were and that my parents needed to treat us with a bit more respect. However, my Dad let loose and said the following:
- That I was manipulative
- That he thought I had changed for the better, but obviously hadn’t
- That he knew I wasn’t religious
- That he would speak to my partner later about the trouble with women
- That my partner and I had never asked his permission to marry
- That he would only listen to my partners opinion after we were married (apparantly only married people are worthy of being heard)
- That we would only understand how hard my parents had it when we started a family (I then suggested that this was definetily none of their business, which then got the response…)
- Of course our considering children was their business
- That I was an uncaring, cold person who manipulated people around her
- I’m controlling
- I’m not good enough for my partner
- That I’m a liar
And I could go on for a bit, but I’m really trying not to think of the rest…
All through this my mother sat silently by, agreeing.
Now they are trying to get in contact with me again, not to apologise but to assert their authority and tell me how silly I’m being.
Thoughts ladies? Many thanks.
Post # 3
That’s awful. -hugs-
What I think might be useful to you is to know that people usually project their own flaws onto others. It sounds like he’s calling you manipulative and then trying to manipulate you – pretty obvious what he’s trying to do.
It’s hard not to be biased but if you know you’re not a liar, and you know you don’t go out of your way to be mean, then that’s all you need to know. The reason you’re upset he said it is because it’s not true. If it were true you’d be more likely not to care.
So please don’t take it to heart. Their words are more a reflection on them than they are on you. You know you’re not a bad person, have faith in that.
Post # 4
Wow… I’m really sorry you have assholes for parents. You definitely don’t deserve to be treated that way!
As important as I feel that family is, I would cut ties with your parents, or at least distance yourself. They seem toxic, and you shouldn’t have to deal with being bullied, especially by your own family. I would let them know their actions are not okay, and if they want any sort of a relationship with you, your partner, and your future kids, that they will have to apologize and learn to treat you with respect. If this is something they can’t do, then it’s probably best to get them out of your life.
I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this.
Post # 5
Stop talking to them. Hang up the phone when they start to yell or degrade. I’m not sure what they think you’ve done to deserve all of those comments but I wouldn’t put up with it.
Post # 6
I agree with the comment that people usually project their flaws unto others. This has been the case with me and my parents. Their words can be very caustic, and the scars never really do seem to heal. This has made me stop talking to my father since 2009. I am not proud of it but it has brought down my anxiety. However, I do not recommend that you do the same. Cutting ties seems too harsh, in the end you’ll always worry about how they are. Sometimes I wonder of the guilt that I will carry if my father goes through a debilitating disease. *knocks on wood*
Distancing yourself though, can seem like a good option. My friend who goes to a therapist says that you have to be outside the “stressful and toxic circle” to be able to think and function clearly. Otherwise, it will take a toll on your mental health. I can vouch for this, having moved across the country (then, the world) from them. What is important now is the family and life that you are choosing to make with your fiance. You don’t need to carry over the extra baggage from yours.
Post # 7
Are your parents from another country/culture than the one you were raised in? Your post makes it sound almost like the problem is a culture clash. I’m really sorry that you are dealing with that. How hurtful, especially coming from a parent. Have you considered family counseling? This is a really exciting time in your life that is supposed to be joyful! I can appreciate lack of support. My situation isn’t anything like yours, but I will tell you this, Hubby and I eloped to avoid negativity on my special day, and I have never regretted it!
Post # 8
@Lovely_One: I am so sorry that you are going through this with your parents. I agree with PP that you should cut off all ties with your family. Until they apologise for how they have treated you, I wouldn’t speak to them. It’s clear that this is not just a one-off moment as you have said they’ve done it before. I would just surround yourself with people who love and care for you.
Post # 9
@Lovely_One: a good friend of mine went through this almost exactly with her parents. Her dad, it turns out, is suffering from pretty serious mental health issues. She had to cut both of her parents out of her life last summer. It was very hard because they had been relatively close. The abusive emails, calls and texts were more than she could bear, so that was her only choice.
do not feel as though you have to stay in touch simply because they are your parents. Get a therapist and get some guidance on creating boundaries and consequences for disrupted boundaries.
Post # 10
Thank you for your thoughts – I don’t feel quite so down on it now and really felt that ganbattergirl’s thought on the stressful and toxic circle hit the mark for me.
My parents were raised (from what I can gather) in a strict Dutch manner, and carried this on with us.
Really appreciate your thoughts (and ‘hugs’) ladies.
Post # 11
what a terrible situation for you to be in.
i would definetely seek some therapy to help you to come to terms with the behaviour of your parents. once you find a happy place without their negativity bringing you down, i feel you will be able to make a better decision on whether to continue a relationship with them
hope it all works out for you
Post # 12
Not knowing your life story…and sorry you are going through this, weddings bring the worst out in people, family, including the bride and groom.
But in your reference of what your dad said that “That he would only listen to my partners opinion after we were married”, probably refers back to “my partner and I had never asked his permission to marry”. To me, just by reading what you posted, without knowing your family history or drama, it seems like your dad has lost respect for your partner in that aspect.
As far as everyone saying that your parents are the assholes, how do we know that your parents aren’t right? As I said, we don’t know your family story, we know nothing about you. It could all be true.
In that respect, my advice is that from what you typed above that your dad said, then maybe you need to show your dad a little more respect. He is your father. And if your mother is silently agreeing with your father, well, then, maybe you are the one with the problem, not your parents?
Again, to pp, op and posters afterwards, I’m only going by what I read, and I don’t know the personal life story.
ETA: And, if you don’t like how your parents don’t like how you are, and it bothers you that much, get therapy and change and be a better person to and for them.
Post # 13
I’m sorry you’re going through this and they’re making you feel this way 🙁
Post # 14
ELOPE. you dont deserve to be around rotten people, even if they’re family. When they are ready to come around to apologize, so be it. But in the mean time, I would stay clear of the negativity and people who are putting you into a depressing state of mind.
Post # 15
I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I know it must be difficult, especially at such an exciting time. Regardless of your past history with your parents, it is never okay (at least in my opinion) for parents to act like this. While we may not know the whole story on both sides, I do not think this was handled well at all. I would talk with your partner about how much involvement you want from your parents. I would not rush into cutting them out of your life (like one poster said, you may regret that), but I would evaluate the positives and negatives of your relationship with them. While you cannot control their feelings and words, you can control how often you have to deal with them. Once again, so sorry.