Post # 1
Sigh. I don’t know what to do.
I have been dating BF for over a year and a half and have known him for 8 years. We’ve talked about getting married, but agreed to wait until he’s settled into a career and I’m closer to finishing my PhD (two more years) to get engaged. I have spent time with his parents at his home and he came with me to my family’s Thanksgiving. Apparently he made a really bad impression, because my parents hate him. I mean hate him…
Here’s the story. BF and I are moving in together this summer. I have a job right now (part of PhD) but he doesn’t YET (he’s just finishing his MA and so is entering the work force, but will hopefully get something really soon) so things won’t be split exactly 50/50 but BF insists on contributing from savings. Parents HATE this idea, HATE it and will not drop it. Mind you, I’m self-sufficient, do not take money from my parents and they can’t do anything about it. But they refuse to accept this. I thought it was over but they brought it up again yesterday and I told them that I heard them, nothing was changing and to just drop it so we can maintain a civil relationship. My mom’s response? “Oh we have accept (BF) or lose you?” A bit later I said “You know, (BF) and I might get engaged at some point” and my mom yelled into the phone “GOD FORBID!”
I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know why they hate BF or what he has done to give them the impression he’s not hireable or lazy or any of the other insults they’ve thrown towards him in the last few weeks. (BF mind you is so great with all of this and is supporting me despite my parents). Right now parents and I are not talking.
But the thing is, if BF and I got married I don’t think my parents would want to be involved or even come to my wedding. This thought hurts me so much and I want to try to mend the relationship between my parents and BF but I have no idea how to do so…my parents have this impression of BF and I don’t think they’re going to give it up easily.
So Bees, what advice can you give me. If it makes a difference both BF and I are 25.
Post # 3
Have you had fights in front of them?
Has he in any way been rude to them?
Have they mentioned anything besides the job thing?
Post # 4
I’m a little confused as to why your parents have any idea what your financial arrangement with you BF is. I would definitely try to limit the information you share with them.
Post # 5
Im sorry this is happening to you. Parents do come round eventually, I just think they are being really obnoxious about the situation as soon as they realise that they are making all huff and puff about nothing and its not going to change your mind… they will have their tails between there legs and will probably have to eat humble pie.
But on the other hand.. can you look at your relationship from an analytical point of view and non biased. Is there any obvious reason that you can see why they are negative on him? sometime an analysis can work.
My FH and I took awhile for my parents to come round too. My FH used to be a jehoviahs witness, and I came from a strong Christian family. So according to FHs family, im not the best for their son. But my parents have been nothing but welcoming.. my parents have their dissapprovals but they soon saw how happy I was and how my relationship with FH was a positive one. They came round…
best of luck!
Post # 6
@troubled — nope to all 3. BF is a bit shy and a bit socially awkward and so was extremely nervous the whole time (and mind you there was a point where the girls — my mom, me and SIL went off one place and the boys — dad, brother, BF went off to another so I wasn’t with him the whole time) but my mom even said after that that I seemed really happy with him. I had no indication of my mom hating him like this until yesterday! At one point I expressed a bit of a concern to her that BF hadn’t had a serious relationship before me, but since that early conversation BF and I have talked about everything, so I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.
@EvaBostonTerrier (btw, I used to have a Boston… <3) My parents are the definition of over-protective, hovering, authoritative, helicopter parents whatever you want to call them. I’m really close to them and they insist I talk to them every few days but we have a very tenuous relationship and get into big fights and they used to control me with funding (cut me off if I didn’t comply) I think they’re pissed right now that they can’t use that sway anymore. In any case, my mom put two and two together, because I’ve mentioned BF’s job search to her so she knows I would tell her if he got a job…
@ccranetobe … I’ve had 2 bad relationships in the past so could list everything that’s good about this one. For one thing we’ve never had a screaming drag out fight. Oh sure there have been disagreements. Tears (twice in two years, not bad). But we’ve never gone to bed angry.
Post # 7
Thats too bad, its always hard when your loved ones don’t approve of who you want to be with. I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them that you love BF and he isn’t going anywhere and assure them that he treats you well and makes you happy (assuming this is true) Tell them that you hope one day they see what you see but until then you hope that they are supportive and trustworthy of your decisions.
Do they think he is taking advantage of you or disrespectful to you? Sometimes outsiders can see more than what the people involved see. And then sometimes parents are over protective and have the attitude “no one is good enough”.
Hopefully it all works out, relationships are difficult as it is and it makes it even harder when you don’t have the support of family.
Good luck, I hope they come around and I hope your BF is treating you well!
Post # 8
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a very intelligent woman, so I’m sure you’ve looked at a ton of angles to this without drawing any valid straws – which is why you’re here, and we’re as baffled as you are.
The only thing I can think of is this: Since you’ve known him for eight years, it’s possible that he’s loosely connected to your parent’s network somehow? Could they happen to hear bad gossip about him from a neighborhood friend? Not recent gossip, but something from high school? I’m not sure why it would bother them, but who knows.
Maybe that’s a stupid suggestion, but really I’m having a hard time understanding what’s up if it’s not the old race or religion card they’re playing…
Post # 9
The ironic thing is I’m Jewish is BF is the first Jewish guy I’ve seriously dated (past two serious relationships were with an Espicopalian/Athiest (sorry spelling sucks) and a Catholic)…so they can’t play that one!
We know each other from Camp, so the social network doesn’t make sense either. sigh.
Post # 10
Normally I think that there must be a real something there when parents and best friends hate a BF or GF, but it sounds more like controlling behavior than anything else.
This just came up yesterday? Boy, mom sounds like a real drama-queen. I think that if this is new, just let it be. If either one starts in on you, calmly inform him or her that you will hang up if he or she doesn’t knock it off. Then follow-up if necessary. They’ll get the point. Just do this until FI has a job and things calm down.