Post # 1
It’s been a rough night. My bridesmaid flew 600km to spend a few days with me doing wedding planning. Over dinner with my parents the topic of the reception came up and I mentioned that my brother’s 1 yr old (will be 18 months when we get married in October 13) won’t be invited to the reception.
Now, my sister’s children will be coming, because htey will be 17 yrs, 15 yrs and the 8 yr old is my flowergirl. However, we are otherwise not having any grade school aged kids, toddlers or babies. Most of my friends have children under the age of 6 yrs and we would otherwise end up with about 20 kids under 8-9 yrs of age at a reception that is running from 6.00pm to midnight. It will be problematic enough that most of them are travelling to the wedding and plan to bring their kids to the ceremony, but at least I can organise a creche and activity books through my church as to (hopefully) not disrupt the service.
I don’t want any kids at the reception as it will run late, there are no separate facilities or rooms for kids and I have already provided my friends with details of babysitting services that they can access. However, how will it look if my brother and partner brings their 18 month old to the reception? My FI’s 2nd cousin (who is a single Dad) will be saying, why can’t I bring my 6 yr old daughter? My friends will resent having both travelled and having to organise and pay babysitting services.
Anyway, basically, my parents told me that my nephew “goes everywhere” with my brother and partner and my friends would just have to understand and I would have to make an exception. Both my FI and I are in our late 30s and 40s. My FI is paying 3/4 of the wedding and my parents are paying the last 1/4 as all my money is tied up in property.
I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want babies and kids there. My FI and I have spent 20 years wiping our family and friends babies’ bums and encouragin their sleep-deprived stoned out looking parents and helping them in multiple ways through their hard years of parenting. We just want one day, even 1/2 day where we can have a conversation that isn’t punctuated by “put that down, don’t smear that on your face and hang on, I’ve got to wash his fingers before he sticks them in his mouth”. A day that is actually, about us, and doesn’t revolve around other people’s kids.
Post # 3
Ok, I think “immediate family only” is a pretty easy and common no kids policy that probably woudln’t raise any eyebrows amongst the other guests.
BUT, it’s your day and if you don’t want the baby there, that’s more than fair. You’ll just have to tell your sibling that it’s not a baby friendly event, and stick to your guns.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
How does your brother & partner feel about this? If they’re cool with it, I wouldn’t worry about your parents. If your brother is also upset, I think it’s a fair exception to make & your second cousin & friends should understand somewhat.
Post # 5
Your nephew is much different than every other kidwhose parents happen to be coming. Maybe I’m just much closer with my bro and nieces/nephews but I couldn’t imagine inviting the ones that are 8+ and not the others. I’d honestly be upset if I were your parents or bother.
Post # 6
What I don’t understand is how so many people think an evening event would be kid friendly anyway? Even the 8 year old flower girl isn’t going to last til midnight. I don’t think I ever went to an evening wedding before I was 15!
Post # 7
@Americano: +1 nephew/niece or not
Post # 8
@SapphireSun: I agree on both counts. Yes, you can make an exception for a nephew. I’ve seen it done, in fact I did it for my own wedding, and I got no complaints not even from close friends of my husband who had to leave their own toddler with relatives. Also bear in mind there will be lots of your nephew’s relatives on hand to mind him.
But I also agree that it’s your choice and you can insist he can’t come. There’s no reason an 18 month old can’t be babysat, and I would imagine there’s someone on his mother’s side who would happily do it.
Post # 9
@paula1248: I see what you’re saying but I think @Ozziebee‘s point is they don’t want a small kid there that would need to be “minded” in the first place.
@Ozziebee I would think because its an evening event (like a cocktail party) people would be mindful of the fact that it may not be appropriate for small children. In my day (and I’m only 34) it would have been unthinkable for us to attend an adult gathering. At the very least, I would think the kids would be bored to death and tired.
Post # 10
@CARA1978: At my sister’s wedding my 2 year old went from relative to relative and eventually fell asleep. When it’s shared around, minding a toddler isn’t a big deal. In some ways minding an 8 year old is harder because she probably won’t fall asleep.
The more I think about it, the more I see @RedWine13: ‘s point. Regardless of age, the fact is OP is including some nieces/nephews and not others, and this is bound to cause friction. I assume there will be family photos, so that means one family member missing. Plus with OP’s parents paying 1/4, that gives them a say. I really think it’s best to let them bring him, and I don’t think he’ll be a problem at all.
Post # 11
@paula1248: I do agree, the rules have to be consistent across the board or people may talk.
Post # 12
Nobody else gets to decide who is at your wedding. Doesn’t matter if the 18 month old is family, he’s not YOUR kid, and YOU don’t want infants at your wedding… makes sense to me. Stick to your guns.
Post # 13
You don’t have to invite the baby. For that matter you don’t have to invite your brother or your parents. You can see how just because you don’t have to invite them doesn’t mean you’ll have peace and tranquility in your family. I’d just invite your nieces and nephews and leave the cutoff there.
Post # 14
Just a word about a detail from your original post:
It’s great that you’re organizing childcare in the nursery at the church for the ceremony, and I hope that most of your guests do use it if that’s your preference. However, if it’s a church wedding, you really can’t forbid children (or anyone) from attending. Everyone is welcome in a church on principle – it’s God’s house.
The reception? Totally up to you. And PPs have already weighed in with good points on that.
Post # 15
@Ozziebee: Its not your parent’s decision to make and it would be extremely unfair to make an exception for one kid.
Frankly, I don’t get the “my kid MUST go EVERYWHERE with meeeee!” attitude. They can hire a babysitter for a few hours – its just not a big deal.
Don’t let them sweat you over it. If the parents and your parents want to have a hissy because they won’t be near this kid for an evening, that’s up to them. Its nothing you need to feel bad or upset over.
Post # 16
@photogestelle: +1. This.
Its crazy how some people flip out over someone not being invited to your wedding, isn’t it? Its almost flattering. I didn’t realize I was going to be hosting the social event of the year and that everyone just has to be invited or it’ll ruin their life 😉