(Closed) My parents’ list is NUTS

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Victorian Gardens of Two Sisters

I’m in the same boat!  Though, our invites won’t go out for many more months, so I have a long time to negotiate with my father about his guest list. 

He’s added at least 40 people to our list, many of whom I wouldn’t recognize if I passed them on the street.  It’s really frustrating, but I feel like I can’t bring it up because he’s footing 90% of the bill. 

It really wouldn’t be much of an issue for me, but the size of the guest list is adding so much money that it’s taking away from other things that I’d love to have for people who really know and love us.

Post # 4
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

Have you spoken to your parents about this?  Did they give you any reasons as to why they sent the invitations out to so many more people than what you had agreed upon?

Personally, I feel like even if your parents are paying, it’s kind of passive-aggressive to go behind your back and change the guest list, ESPECIALLY if they went ahead and sent them without talking to you first!!  If you had agreed to include the 12 couples they originally requested, then I think it’s actually kind of rude for them to change the plan without checking with you and your fiance.  I really don’t think asking your parents to mail the invitations while you were out of the country gives them the right to change your guest list and invite twice the amount of people on their original list.

Honestly, I think you’re taking this a lot better than I would have been.  I would have been livid if my parents changed our guest list after the fact!  Granted, we paid for our wedding ourselves, but still.  I think you’re totally within your rights to have a conversation with them and explain how you wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding.  If it were me, I definitely wouldn’t be able to let this go–I would have to say something to them, otherwise, I’d be annoyed and angry during the whole rest of the process.

Post # 5
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

40 extra, unknown people? Ouch. I’m sorry and it doesn’t seem like much can be done about it since they’ve all been invited now… At least you’re not paying for it!

Post # 6
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sorry, that sounds like a total pain.  My parents were pretty reasonable, but sometimes I got a little annoyed at their continual adding of people to the guest list.  My parents are paying too, so I know how it can be hard to express concerns without sounding ungrateful.  I found the easiest way to deal with it was to sort of pose it as a question, like “Since you guys decided to increase the guest list, I’m worried that FI’s family won’t be able to invite as many people as they hoped to and still fit in our venue, what do you think we should do?”  I think that way you come off as asking for advice instead of nitpicking, and it puts the ball in their court.

Hope that helps!  Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

My mom has the same mentality…if people will hear about it, they should be invited. i’m thinking that’s how they did their own weddings.

Does your FI have the chance to invite more people. Now that the invites are sent out, there really isn’t much to be done. I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this stress, I hope your parents will realize that they need to be more respectful of your wishes.

Post # 9
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

wow you’re handling this WAY better than I would. That was totally inappropriate, rude, and WRONG. Are they going to increase the number of total invites now so that your FI can invite all the people he planned? I think that is an absolute necessity. Also, I would totally cut them out of the planning at this point. They’ve proven they can’t be trusted.

Post # 10
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That would absolutely devastate me. Not because I don’t love my parents friends, cause I do and they are practically family, but because FI parent’s would want more than 19 invitations. That wouldn’t be enough to cover some FAMILIES, much less close friends. You need to tell them that they need to pay to have more invitations printed for FI family and cover the additional charges, because he has every right to invite more people than that.

Post # 11
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ouch!  That would seriously tick me off.  I’m so sorry your parents did this behind your back.  Not a good move.

Post # 13
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m still trying to get past the stickers!

Post # 14
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

What I want to know is if your FI got to invite everyone he wanted to invite? If not, you should insist that he get to invite everyone he wants & they have to foot the extra guests. It seems selfish that they used up 40 invites and left so few for the groom. Just because they’re paying doesn’t mean they should discount the man you’re marrying!

If it were me, I’d probably passive aggressively get back at them by doing the seat chart in secret & putting all the extra people in the least desirable spots. But I can be kinda b–chy Innocent

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