Post # 1
When we first got engaged, FI and I assumed we would pay for our DW ourselves. We never scouted our parents for money. When I went to try on dresses, my mom asked how much it was and I was shocked because I was thinking, “I’m paying for it. Why does it matter?” lol.
About a month later my parents told me they wanted to buy my dress. When they heard we were looking at photographers, they told me they wanted to pay for it. We expected this to be it and were completely grateful. Except my mom kept asking how much stuff was and then would say ok, as in they were paying for it, but honestly, I’ve been keeping it at an amount that we would feel comfortable paying…totally not going overboard.
A few weeks ago, we were at dinner with my parents and my step dad, in a drunken haze, randomly says, “We love that were are able to help you but it’s getting cut off soon.”. We weren’t talking about wedding anything so of course FI and I were surprised. I was also embarrassed. I mean, I never asked for anything until my mom told me to tell her amounts. At this point, I asked, “Well how much should we be shooting for? We are really grateful and don’t want to exceed anything.” My step dad just sat there not saying anything and my mom whispered, “We’ll talk later”. She refuses to talk about it.
I have tried 3 different times to discuss numbers with my parents. Again, not “asking” but just seeing what they are comfortable with or to see if maybe we hit that amount. I have sent my mom all sorts of numbers she requested. I have given her payment schedules she requested. But it’s now getting to the point where we need to reserve something and they just won’t tell us yes or no. My mom will answer texts about everything else but money. She told me she was going to look at $ this past weekend and would let me know. She now tells me she was busy and will do it sometime this week. I’m not new…I know when someone is trying to put me off. I just don’t understand why because while I’m grateful…any amount is great to me! 🙂
We have no idea what to do. Do we ask them, right out (again)? Do we ignore them and plan based on what we can afford and consider any money they give as “extra”?
I’m curious what other Bees have done?
Post # 3
I would just pay things and plan things that you can afford, if you get any more money from them BONUS, if not, you were planning on paying for yourselves anyways, so no big deal, right?
Post # 4
@Coral99: Awkward situation. I would send her a quick note saying “I am so grateful for what you have given us already. I hate to bring up finances again, but we really need to put a deposit on X, Y, Z, so we need to know where we stand ASAP”, or something to that effect.
That or go ahead and book stuff, and if they want to reimburse you, they can. Just let them know you’ve booked X, Y, Z. It sounds like possibly your mom wants to help but your step dad is dragging his feet a bit. I wouldn’t try to guess for what reason, though, it probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Post # 5
@Coral99: My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, so we just booked everything with our own money. Later on when our moms said they wanted to help, they just sent whatever they could, but we didn’t wait for them.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
Yikes, sounds like there may be a communication disconnect between your step dad and your mom.
I would definitely just plan within YOUR budget and if they end up paying, wahoo! Don’t ask again, that just sounds terrible awkward IMO.
Post # 7
@Coral99: I wouldn’t bring it up again and if I were you and just proceed as if they weren’t paying for anything. Who knows? Maybe they offered and then realized they couldn’t afford it. Or maybe they initially wanted to contribute but changed their minds.
Work within your own budget and if at some point, they write you a check, it will be a pleasant surprise.
Post # 8
I would simply send an e-mail and say that you thought you might’ve heard that they were planning to contribute, that there are some upcoming deposits to be made and that you want to be able to properly budget your funds and perhaps make some different choices if they’ll be helping out. Explain that you’re not expecting anything, but that you just wanted to clarify with them for certain and thank them for even considering giving anything towards the wedding.
Post # 9
@housebee: That is what we are doing too.
@Coral99: I think the best thing to do is to assume that you are paying for everyhing, so if they don’t come through on something, your day won’t be affected. Expect nothing so if you do get it, then it will be a huge surprise/perk.
Post # 10
@FortiesFlare: Great point.
@canarydiamond: I’ve tried this multiple times. She will keep saying “I’ll let you know ____”, thus extending the timeline herself. I suggested maybe she wait until summer to get a firm number and her immediate response was, “No. I’d like to get everything taken care of so we have it firmly” so of course this confused me more! Or she just doesn’t answer my emails, calls or texts. I think I will do what others seem to be requesting…just book stuff ourselves.
@housebee: That’s just it. She knows how much certain things are. She’s asked for numbers and deposits. I’ve made so many spreadsheets for her…I cannot tell you. She acts like they are paying. But when it comes time to actually giving the money, she just doesn’t respond. I don’t understand why someone would even ask. lol
@mchitt329: Ok. Thanks. I think you are right…something is going on I maybe don’t know about. 🙂
Post # 11
I think it’s in situations like this that issues arise. I would try for one more sit down with your mom. Say Mom if you guys are paying we need concrete numbers so we know who much to budget and plan for with the vendors.
After that if she eludes/ ignores I would go with the original plan of paying for it yourself and if at some point they give you a check just be thankful for it. I say pay for what you know you guys can afford and cover without any help because they seem overly wishy washy about the whole thing.
Post # 12
@FLBlonde93: That’s what we did in the beginning. I guess it feels kind of roller-coaster-ish and I’m already tired of it. lol But it seems to be best to just stick with it ourselves and what happens, happens!
@Zhabeego: Excellent things I had not considered. Thank you. 🙂
Post # 13
I would just start planning for things myself. If she gives you money, just count that as a bonus but don’t expect it.
Post # 14
@Coral99: Do we ignore them and plan based on what we can afford and consider any money they give as “extra”?
Yes. That is exactly what we did. Never spend someone elses money until you have it in your hand. My mom offered to pay for the reception. But aside from saying that, we never talked about it again. She was pushing for more expensive place, while I was trying to plan a more budget wedding, so I didn’t worry about what she’d be willing to pay for. But I didn’t want to ask cause it’s just awkward to me. I went about it planning the wedding I wanted and would have been willing to and could pay for.
Post # 15
Just assume you’re paying for it yourselves. It sounds like there might be some disputes between your mom and step dad over paying, or that something changed in their financial situation. It sucks that she’s not just being straight with you, but some people are really uncomfortable talking about money.
Post # 16
ignore them and plan based on what we can afford and consider any money they give as “extra”