Post # 1
So I had an argument with my parents last night and the night before about things that shouldnt even be their decisions. The night before it was because they want to get a group/band to play at our wedding that FI and I dont like, now they want to get them because they are my dads friends so they would go for free. When my mom asked if we would turn them down both FI and I say yes and she got angry, I told her its our wedding we should be the ones to like the music not get them because you like them. Since my dad is a musician he knows many groups, so it shouldnt be hard to pick a better one that people still listen too, not one that I havent heard play in ages! Then yesterday my dad called us conceited because we were talking about houses and we want a brand new home, when the time is right and when we have the money, but my mom wont stop repeating that we should get an older home, one that has been taken away from the government that will be cheaper. I got angry because she keeps repeating this and I told her if she was going to tell us where to live too! I believe a decision like a home should be up to my FI and I, especially when we plan to pay for it ourselves! When we first start our marriage we plan to go with an apartment to save more for a good down payment, we want a home thats between 120-150k (3bed/2bath). My parents from the beginning have tried to control everything I do, and every choice we make about our wedding!
If you read it all thank you, and I’m sorry for always writing dumb posts, but it helps me sometimes. What do you think about us? Do you think we are being conceited too?
Post # 3
NO I don’t think it’s conceited to want to make your own adult decisions! Sometimes people just make digs like that because you aren’t going along with what they want, or what they think you should do. They’ve also spent all of your life helping you make these decisions and robably feel somewhat like now you don’t need them anymore (which to an extent, you don’t). I don’t have a solution but don’t take that to heart, it’s not conceited to want what you want.
Post # 4
@MsJ2theZ:Thank you! I dont think that because of that we are being conceited either, but to my father yes just because we are trying to aim for the best and we dont have money at this point besides for the wedding, which is why I mentioned to them that when the time was right and we had more money, but I guess they decided to ignore that comment. I guess it does hurt them that after makng decions for me or helping me make decisions for so long, I no longer need them, in a sense. Thanks for your input!
Post # 5
Conceited? No. You have every right to have the mewic you want and save for the home you want.
However, I do know where your Mom is coming from in regards to getting an older home 1st. Young couples are very different from the ones of your parents’ (my) generation. In “my day” (oh how I hate that), the big deal was simply to start your lives togehter and most young couples did start with older homes or apartments, hand-me-down furniture, etc. In my first place, I had a huge wooden spool for a coffee table, a matteress on the floor for a “couch” and my grandmother’s kitchen table and chairs and that waws it!
It does seem like today everyone wants everything right away and that does irritate the heck out of many of us “parental units”.
Just tune it out, and plan your wedding! You can’t please everyone so you might as well please yourselves! Have the music you want – even if you have to pay for it yourselves!
Post # 6
You’re not conceited, they’re controlling.
Post # 7
It sounds like your parents don’t realize you an adult and can make your own choices. They are being childish. If I were you I would tell them you made your choice and you are done talking about it. Enforce your boundaries now so they don’t become inlaws from hell
Post # 8
@lioness_89: I wish I had been able to buy that much house for that price! haha
Post # 9
I’m sure they are just thinking “Hmmm… these kids don’t have any money, why are they turning down a free band and insisting on a brand new home?”
Post # 10
@KT808: Oh but my parents arent talking about the house as a starter home, they mean for it to be our home for the rest of our lives, and I get what you mean about young couples wanting everything right away, but we arent looking to get everything right away, we prefer to wait to get everything brand new until we have a house, in the apartment we will get used things, or things not so expensive. If you start off on top when something goes wrong and you hit the floor it hurts 10x worse because you never knew what it was like to start off at the bottom, which is why we prefer to wait for all the good things when we can really afford them. We will have the music we like even if we have to pay, thanks for your comment! 🙂
@axeyourmakeupkit: Very controlling, well they try to be anyways.
@TwoCityBride: Thats exactly it! They still see me as a kid! I like the advice you gave, I sure need to do that before they get any worse! Thank you!
@MsJ2theZ: Lol yeah I guess where I live isnt so bad after all, since everyone seems to be paying double or triple that amount for the same size!
@KatyElle: I know thats what they are thinking, and we do have money to pay the wedding, my parents were just the ones that wanted to offer free music for knowing the people, but not if they are taking it to their taste, then in that case we prefer to pay. & the house is a different story, we are waiting to buy a house because for that we dont have enough money, but they want to make it sound like we are buying one NOW without the financial backup.
Post # 11
Your parents just aren’t dealing with you becoming an adult very well.
A $120-150,000 home is dirt cheap (that’s a 20% down payment on a 2-bedroom house where I live) so I don’t understand why that could be viewed as conceited? Do they live in an older home that is a lot cheaper than that? Maybe they are viewing it as you passive aggressively putting down their life achievements. My mom does that a lot – reads into my dreams and achievements as my telling her that she is up to snuff, when it isn’t about her….not even a little bit!
Post # 12
NO, you aren’t conceited for wanting a band and a house that you like.
The wedding band should definitely be your decision. If your parents are paying for the wedding, more conflicts like this will arise. Just be respectful and diplomatic about any of these types of wedding-planning conflicts.
The house is also your decision. I own an older home, and I totally understand why having a new home would be wonderful. But what type of home you buy isn’t the issue here.
The issue, IMO, is why you are involving your parents in conversations like this (about the house). Many of us value our parent’s opinions, of course. But if you know your parents are opinionated about things, then you should probably not discuss things with them if you don’t want their opinions. Your parents also sound a little pushy (no offense), so you should probably leave them out of any discussion about things you have no intention of following their advice on. It’s only going to cause conflicts like this one, and there’s no point to the conflict if you and your fi are going to do what you want anyway (which you should).
It took me a while to realize that boundary lines have to be drawn between an adult child and her parents. And you have to be the one to draw them, because they won’t. To them, you are still their kid. If you don’t want them second-guessing your adult decisions, then don’t make them part of the decision-making by discussing these matters with them.
Post # 13
Parents will always think they know best. I remember when my FI and I bought our first condo, they insisted on coming with us to see all the listings we looked at and they they would pressure us like crazy to get the one with the most work! They were all about getting a fixer-upper! bah! I was ok with a bit of painting here and there, but we both work full time and fixing up everything can take more money than just getting a place that you can move in to! Stay strong and they’ll evetually back down.
Ps. Only $125-$150k for a 3 bed/2bath? OMG I wish I lived where you live. We paid $330k for our tiny 1br+den and 1 bath condo and it was a bit of a fixer upper. Had to replace bathroom sink and paint everything! Where I live you can’t find a 3br/2bath for under $400k. *sigh* Housing shouldn’t cost so much 🙁
Post # 14
I live in the middle of nowhere (cheap housing) and 120k for a 3 bed 2 bath new is absolutely unheard of. We looked into mini homes and they run over 250k by the time you can move into it.
@MrsVandykins: We live on the other coast with cheap housing and would never be able to get something like that new.
You can buy abandon farm houses for under 100k but nothing else really.
Post # 15
I recommend not telling your parents about your plans until you’ve already executed them (the plans, not your parents haha). We used to get loads of unasked-for advice from FMIL, all of it completely opposite of what we intended on doing. She would get very irate an upset with us and keep trying to convince us her opinions were better. Instead of saying, “Yeah, we plan on doing ______ for the menu for the wedding” we sorted out the menu, finalized it, then came to them saying, “We picked the menu! It is _______.” That helped a lot.
We even did this with our home search. We looked at a few places with them and they kept telling us the houses were too big, too new, too expensive. Eventually, we learned to tell them only when we were under contract on a house.
Some things can’t be concealed until completed. If you’re asked “How is the search for _____” going, be vague. “Oh, it’s going, alright!” or “We have a lot on our plate right now. We’ll let you know when anything with _________ changes.”
The last step you get to if all else fails. If your parents insist on giving you opinions and demand to know yours, you should reply, “Thank you for your opinion. We have a lot to think about. We aren’t ready to make a decision at this time.” and then start back at script #1 (completing the task and then telling them).
If the decisions are tied up in their money, you can say, “Mom, Dad, I understand that is how you would like me to spend the money, but when you promised to pay for _______, you didn’t say that there were strings attached. I decided I would like things _____ way. Will you respect that? If not, I will have to find a way to pay for ______ myself.”
Post # 16
No you should make your own decisions and choices. I would maybe suggest that you would get farther with your parents if you didn’t get mad or react when you don’t like what they say. Being calm and reasonable will show them you’ve grown up 🙂