(Closed) My parents thing FI & I are conceited…*Vent*

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

NO I don’t think it’s conceited to want to make your own adult decisions! Sometimes people just make digs like that because you aren’t going along with what they want, or what they think you should do. They’ve also spent all of your life helping you make these decisions and robably feel somewhat like now you don’t need them anymore (which to an extent, you don’t). I don’t have a solution but don’t take that to heart, it’s not conceited to want what you want.

Post # 5
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Conceited? No. You have every right to have the mewic you want and save for the home you want.

However, I do know where your Mom is coming from in regards to getting an older home 1st. Young couples are very different from the ones of your parents’ (my) generation. In “my day” (oh how I hate that), the big deal was simply to start your lives togehter and most young couples did start with older homes or apartments, hand-me-down furniture, etc. In my first place, I had a huge wooden spool for a coffee table, a matteress on the floor for a “couch” and my grandmother’s kitchen  table and chairs and that waws it!

It does seem like today everyone wants everything right away and that does irritate the heck out of many of us “parental units”.

Just tune it out, and plan your wedding! You can’t please everyone so you might as well please yourselves! Have the music you want – even if you have to pay for it yourselves!

Post # 6
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re not conceited, they’re controlling.

Post # 7
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds like your parents don’t realize you an adult and can make your own choices. They are being childish. If I were you I would tell them you made your choice and you are done talking about it. Enforce your boundaries now so they don’t become inlaws from hell

Post # 8
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@lioness_89:  I wish I had been able to buy that much house for that price! haha

Post # 9
Member
9826 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m sure they are just thinking “Hmmm… these kids don’t have any money, why are they turning down a free band and insisting on a brand new home?”

 

Post # 11
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your parents just aren’t dealing with you becoming an adult very well.

A $120-150,000 home is dirt cheap (that’s a 20% down payment on a 2-bedroom house where I live) so I don’t understand why that could be viewed as conceited? Do they live in an older home that is a lot cheaper than that? Maybe they are viewing it as you passive aggressively putting down their life achievements. My mom does that a lot – reads into my dreams and achievements as my telling her that she is up to snuff, when it isn’t about her….not even a little bit!

Post # 12
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

NO, you aren’t conceited for wanting a band and a house that you like.

The wedding band should definitely be your decision.  If your parents are paying for the wedding, more conflicts like this will arise.  Just be respectful and diplomatic about any of these types of wedding-planning conflicts.

The house is also your decision.  I own an older home, and I totally understand why having a new home would be wonderful.  But what type of home you buy isn’t the issue here.

The issue, IMO, is why you are involving your parents in conversations like this (about the house).  Many of us value our parent’s opinions, of course.  But if you know your parents are opinionated about things, then you should probably not discuss things with them if you don’t want their opinions. Your parents also sound a little pushy (no offense), so you should probably leave them out of any discussion about things you have no intention of following their advice on.  It’s only going to cause conflicts like this one, and there’s no point to the conflict if you and your fi are going to do what you want anyway (which you should).

It took me a while to realize that boundary lines have to be drawn between an adult child and her parents.  And you have to be the one to draw them, because they won’t.  To them, you are still their kid.  If you don’t want them second-guessing your adult decisions, then don’t make them part of the decision-making by discussing these matters with them.

Post # 13
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Parents will always think they know best.  I remember when my FI and I bought our first condo, they insisted on coming with us to see all the listings we looked at and they they would pressure us like crazy to get the one with the most work! They were all about getting a fixer-upper! bah! I was ok with a bit of painting here and there, but we both work full time and fixing up everything can take more money than just getting a place that you can move in to! Stay strong and they’ll evetually back down. 

Ps. Only $125-$150k for a 3 bed/2bath? OMG I wish I lived where you live.  We paid $330k for our tiny 1br+den and 1 bath condo and it was a bit of a fixer upper. Had to replace bathroom sink and paint everything!  Where I live you can’t find a 3br/2bath for under $400k.  *sigh* Housing shouldn’t cost so much 🙁

Post # 14
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I live in the middle of nowhere (cheap housing) and 120k for a 3 bed 2 bath new is absolutely unheard of. We looked into mini homes and they run over 250k by the time you can move into it.

 

@MrsVandykins:  We live on the other coast with cheap housing and would never be able to get something like that new.

You can buy abandon farm houses for under 100k but nothing else really.

Post # 15
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I recommend not telling your parents about your plans until you’ve already executed them (the plans, not your parents haha).  We used to get loads of unasked-for advice from FMIL, all of it completely opposite of what we intended on doing.  She would get very irate an upset with us and keep trying to convince us her opinions were better.  Instead of saying, “Yeah, we plan on doing ______ for the menu for the wedding” we sorted out the menu, finalized it, then came to them saying, “We picked the menu! It is _______.”  That helped a lot.

We even did this with our home search.  We looked at a few places with them and they kept telling us the houses were too big, too new, too expensive.  Eventually, we learned to tell them only when we were under contract on a house.

Some things can’t be concealed until completed.  If you’re asked “How is the search for _____” going, be vague.  “Oh, it’s going, alright!” or “We have a lot on our plate right now. We’ll let you know when anything with _________ changes.” 

The last step you get to if all else fails.  If your parents insist on giving you opinions and demand to know yours, you should reply, “Thank you for your opinion.  We have a lot to think about.  We aren’t ready to make a decision at this time.” and then start back at script #1 (completing the task and then telling them).

If the decisions are tied up in their money, you can say, “Mom, Dad, I understand that is how you would like me to spend the money, but when you promised to pay for _______, you didn’t say that there were strings attached.  I decided I would like things _____ way.  Will you respect that? If not, I will have to find a way to pay for ______ myself.”

Post # 16
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

No you should make your own decisions and choices. I would maybe suggest that you would get farther with your parents if you didn’t get mad or react when you don’t like what they say. Being calm and reasonable will show them you’ve grown up 🙂

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