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Oh lady I feel your pain!!! My mother has been like this. Actually told me it is her wedding not mine. Parents want to show you off and get all the complements for a beautiful wedding. It's very selfish but if they are paying they want something in return. I understand but make sure you are not unhappy at your wedding. I was very firm with all of my investors. Thank you sooo much for the money but in the end I get to say where it all goes. If I want cupcakes and a short dress then you can keep your money and I'll pay for it. Make sure you are firm but loving. Parents can be very frustrating but they love you and want to make you happy no matter what. Just explain to them what you want and if they don't like it pay for it yourself and don't tell them. That's what I have to do. Alot of the stuff I want to do I really have to keep a secret. Good Luck!!! :)
Haha, that's how we got a DJ! They insisted on a Greek band and I for one can not imagine my wedding without good dancing music (pop, hip hop, etc!) so we said fine, we will pay for the DJ! They aren't happy but what can they do. It's not so bad with other stuff, they let me/us pick things out and everything but it's more the things they SAY. And insist on. It irritates me soo much. I know they love me and just want it to be their version of nice and everything but it's never-ending. There is very little "us" in the wedding, and what there is, I had to really fight for. I can't WAIT for the wedding to be OVER!!!!!
I totally understand!! I have two older sisters and they both complained to me about how their weddings were more a reflection of my mom...which is why their weddings were so similar! To try and prevent some of this in my wedding, I started planning very early. Although she hasn't judged me on my wedding purchases so far...I'm scared of what may come! I hope you have the wedding of YOUR dreams!!
Sorry it's sucking! But, it's too late to do too much at this point, so just try to ride it out and focus on the good things. At least you'll be married, so consider this the last "party" they ever throw you!!!
Just 2.5 more weeks! hang in there, try to get some space if you can. When you do wedding stuff, try to do it where they can't see. Just DO it, then be done.
I sooo feel your pain!! I am getting married in 3.5 weeks and I'm miserable!! My wedding is my Mom's dream wedding, and I can't really complain b/c like you my parents are paying for 98% of it. Basically nothing in the wedding really reflects my personality- I wanted a small beach wedding but my Mom insisted on a full Catholic mass and with a huge reception. She had the guts to tell me that when I told her I wanted a beach wedding her heart broke a little b/c she saw me as a church bride and didn't I want god to witness my sacrament. She changed my venue on me w/o telling me and signed and put a deposit down on a new place, because our first venue wasn't as classy or really "our style" more like her style. Did your parents also add an obsurd amount of their friends to your guest list?? My fiance and I kept off a lot of our friends b/c we didn't want a huge wedding and then my mom managed to sneak in 15 more of her friends at the end when the invitations were being done while I was on vacation.
I could go on forever complaining but at this point there isn't really anything I can do and I wish I had just put my foot down like Sammibean6610 in the beginning!!
In the end I know the important part is that we're getting married and honestly that's all I care about not the wedding by about starting my new life!!
Good luck and know you're not alone!
I'm so sorry that they're driving you nuts! You're living My Big Fat Greek Wedding! Poor thing! But like EJS said, it's the last party they'll ever throw you, so just try and rise above it. :) Have fun!
Totally agree with EJS and KateMW, just hang in there it's almost there, and just try and enjoy the party (even if it isn't really exactly what you wanted). It will still be fun right? You could try sitting them down and talking to them about how you feel a bit left out of the planning process, but that sounds like it'a) a bit late and b) difficult with your family! Just remember they're doing it because they want the best for you (right?) :)
Sometimes it's just not worth arguing about. our picnic is definitely not the wedding reception we would have planned, and sometimes it's hard for me to control myself from telling FMIL to do this or that (instead of what she wants to do). But it's her party and we're simply the guests of honor. This is the case with a lot of weddings, including yours. You're the guests of honor but it's your parents party. So enjoy it, party down (even if it's to mozart!) and be sure to thank them thoroughly for all of their careful planning.
I totally feel your pain. What drives me totally crazy is that my mom tries to put it all on me by saying I'm being a 'Bridezilla'. Translation...Bridezilla = not instantly agreeing with every decision she makes and letting her pick everything. Then she'll say she just doesn't understand how her daughter is so high maintenance about wedding details when she herself is so laid back about it all. Um, let me emphasize, I adore my mom and love her to death. Not a lot of self awareness on this particular topic, though!
I'm actually curious as to what people are disagreeing about with their parents. So far my mom (my 'totally laid back' mom, that is,) has had a minor fit about:
The height of the centerpieces (I like tall, she likes short)
The materials in the centerpieces (I like floral, she likes non-floral)
The wedding colors (I want black and white, she doesn't want black BM dresses)
The length of the BM dresses (I say short is really in style now and can work at any wedding in a dressy material, she says short absolutely has to be for an early daytime casual wedding)
The candy buffet (I want one, she doesn't)
The food (I want something a little more modern, she wants traditional chicken & beef)
The location (I wanted something outdoors, she wanted a wedding hall)
Again, love my mom so much and can't wait to share this day with her. I must bite my tongue when I hear her complain about why I can't just be relaxed about the whole thing like my older sister was (translation = shut up and let me make the decisions!)
We are paying for about 40% of our wedding and the only things we had full control of are the things we paid for. I understand how you feel b/c you want to be grateful that they are paying for your wedding but it's hard to be grateful when they are controlling everything.
When I told my Mom that I wanted a DOC (that I was going to pay for) she said "I don't want someone else coming in here and taking over our wedding" um, our?!?!
Some days I want to say "screw it all" and just elope but like you, I'm 2.5 weeks out so it's a bit late for that now.
I just try not to think of all the things I had no say in and focus on the parts that I love about the wedding. I've also promised myself that when my kids get married I will give them X amount of money and let them do whatever they want with it. Of course there is the whole other end of the spectrum with the bride's whose parents don't want any involvement and I see how that is also hurtful. Hopefully we can strike a balance when our kids get married
i'm sorry you have to go through this. i am in a similar situation. just yesterday my mom was telling my dad that this is going to be the tackiest wedding ever! she wants me to have a traditional, white wedding, with pink flowers. that is not me! first she complained about my bridesmaid dress choices, then the fact i am wearing colored shoes, and our music choices, and now the favors, and everything else! i mean she is paying for the wedding with my FMIL but still. my FI and I have a vision. she had her chance for her wedding...it's my turn. ugh!
i'm sorry.. that sounds really rough but you're almost there.. 2.5 wks more.. you can have vow renewals where everything will be exactly your way? :)
is there something that's left to be done that is VERY important to you? maybe focus on getting that done YOUR way instead? is it possible to get things done away from your folks and not share every moment? i ended up having to do that b/c everyone (i come from a large family) was chiming in with their ideas and opinions which got too overwhelming.
Hang in there! In the end you will be married, and you will have a good time with your familiy and friends. Luckily I am the second daughter, and it was decided long ago that I would pay for my own wedding. So no Big Fat Greek wedding for me, except a few things my mom will insist on...
Enjoy it! And I agree that it might help if you think of it as the last party they'll ever throw you.
Wow, thanks SO MUCH for the support, ladies!!! There are so many things I want to comment on, I wish this was like facebook where I could comment on each post! :) YES, the majority of the guests are my parents. My dad will NOT STOP thinking of more people to invite. He has already added on so many that I do not even know, even last minute! It's so annoying! Also, everything with them has to be traditional. "Well I've never been to a wedding where this happened so you can't do it..." And I'm like, we can do what EVER we want! THAT'S what's in now!! UGH!
Also, a family friend of theirs daughter got married last year in the same venue and literally I think I will throw up if I hear one more time, "Well, at the Smith wedding...."- everything is compared to that. Every. thing.
I'm trying so hard to be grateful and I know I have to just ride it out but sometimes i just want to rip out my hair. I think what makes it worse is that I'm in town getting ready, so I'm living with them for the next few weeks so it's everywhere. THey aer going out of town this weekend and I can't wait! (And keep in mind normally I adore my family, this whole wedding thing is just insane though!) We also get our share of "our wedding"s coming from my parents. AHH!
Luckily since we're in charge of the DJ, we got to pick at least the American music, which was fun, and a couple things I've insisted on. But other than that.... yeah... totally my parents wedding. I should just be ok with them calling it their wedding bc basically it is! I have sworn up and down to my fi that we are NOT doing this to our kids. I want it to be 100% what they want, even if we pay for it.
Anyway thanks SO MUCH for all the support, it is so good to know I'm not alone!
@L Breezy: I got the tacky thing too last week. I was shocked when my mom said it. I am not a tacky person but I am creative and I want to be different, she wants staid and traditional. It is so ridiculous. She is also very worried about what the relatives will think, even though she admits to me that she doesn't even like them!
Threaten to elope...no parents want to miss their child's wedding day.
Hi MonaLisa! I just want to say, don't worry, you are not alone in this! As soon as I brought up wedding planning my mom started to freak and tell me exactly how everything was going to be, from food to venue. I was thinking - "What? who is this woman and what has she done with my mother?! My mother who refused to ever have a birthday party because she so hates 'events' is now telling me what height my centerpieces should be?"
The more I talk with other people, though, the more I find out this is one of the most universal parent responses. They should do a psychological study on it, it's a fascinating phenomenon! Something about being exposed to an engaged daughter instantly triggers the uncontainable desire for a mother to demand that she pick a cake design, ha ha!
Wow. That is crazy stuff. I hope that the things that are important to you and your FI are included. It's really amazing of them to pay, but IMO, that doesn't really entitle them to make every decision. I could understand them wanting to be involved in the budgeting process, to know what they're spending money on, but gosh!
This makes me very nervous! My dream wedding would be in my SO's hometown, since he has a much larger family who all live there and he is more religious and has ties to a church in his hometown. My mom brought up wedding planning after we went to my best friend's wedding and asked me what I would want if my SO and I were to get married. I told her about the above dream wedding and she was like "Well, I would have to come with you and pick out the flowers and decorations and..." (His hometown is 13 hours away...) Um. GOSH. MOB-zilla in the making...
We're not planning on either set of parents paying a cent -- and we foolishly thought that this would stop this sort of thing (it doesn't; they STILL try to say "you're doing it wrong"...and it's just as hard to say no, even with the whole "no pay, no say" adage -- what makes it worse is that my dad WANTS to pay, ugh). I'm still struggling with turning his suggestions of a church ceremony and golf club reception down -- he just won't give up!
Basically, I get what you're feeling. *HUGS* Hang in there -- in the end, you'll be married, and that's what matters.
While I agree that the wedding should be about the couple, money is important. I can see why your parents want to do things their way - but I do think your parents are going way overboard. Just be blunt - you paid for the invites? You had a say. You didn't pay for the quartet, give it a rest. I guess hindsight is 20/20, but the only way to get complete say is to pay.
Now, for Jennipher, who is declining any money but still getting flak from the parentals? That is something to complain about! I would just keep smiling and thanking them for the suggestions but do your thing anyway.
Oh my God! My people!!! I have been searching the internet for you all or a while now. Ladies I feel your pain about the parents taking over the wedding. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and have been getting all sorts of "when you getting married" comments. I finally do and my folks just take off with the planning.
First they started looking at sites without us. They never had a conversation with us asking what sort of wedding we wanted-they just assumed that of course we'd want a 300 person wedding like they had. My mom went into a screaming fit when we told her that we wanted an outdoor wedding (not catholic wedding)and then started the on again off again silent treatment. Then when we told them that the stress from the wedding planning was getting to be too much (remember we're only a month in) and we told them that we'd be paying for the wedding so that we could control the choices mom flipped again saying that we were humiliating them with our choices and lifestyle and that this was the one thing in life that they were supposed to do for me and now she has refused to have anything to do with the planning. dad is still trying, but mom has just walked away not wanting anything to do with me. Its really turned this planning into a very sad time. I don't want her to be taking over but I do want them to be willing to work with me on it and talking to me.
I started a blog of my own in an attempt to scream into the open internet (similar to screaming into a pillow, no one really hears you, but you do let off some steam) and I'm trying to keep my FI from losing his head- he and my MOB keep getting into arguments that help no one.
Sigh- as sad as that all is, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with such family drama. Everyone else I talk to thinks its nuts and makes me feel isolated. I still feel sad, just not so alone anymore. So....does anyone know a good family therapist, and if so...do you have to invite them to the wedding?
The Sarcastic Bride
My family is Greek, too. And they are paying for the wedding. I completely understand. At this point, all I can do is go with the flow.
My wedding is twice the size I would have wanted. But my parents have been good about letting me put my personality into it. But it will be big and expensive. Tasteful, but, um, grand. Yes, "grand" is a good word.
And I did win out on the Greek Band and Dancing. Instead of live basouki music, we are playing gentle Greek pop music on a CD when the regular band takes a dinner break.
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Ok so I know I'm only 2.5 weeks away from the wedding, and I'm extra stressed emotional but I REALLY need to vent and need some support from the bees!
My parents are driving me nuts! I mean, I love them to death, don't get me wrong, we are very close, and I have ZERO ROOM to compain (which makes the matter at hand worse) because they are paying for about 98% of our wedding. I feel very lucky and priviledged and I am so grateful for it. HOWEVER. Honestly, even though the wedding will be beautiful, it is NOT my fiance and I, and we both would glady have paid for it, and had it be much smaller and more US than it is. We've put that aside now because we didn't have much choice in the matter. (If you knew our old-school Greek parents, both sets, you'd understand!)
So, it's great that my parents are putting on this fancy wedding and all- BUT. They think it's theirs, I swear to God! We have like ZERO say in anything! My dad has protested our music choices, from what the band will play to what the string quartet will play- even though we are not paying for the string quartet! It's a gift to my fiance and I from a cousin who has a string quartet, and I asked if he could play soem contemporary stuff, and my dad said absolutely not. String quartets play Mozart, Beethoven, etc. Ok. Whatever. Then just now- and this is what put me over the edge and I had to post- my mom saw me making the welcome notes for the OOT bags and when she read them, after she commented on how pretty they were do you know what she said? That the notes should be coming from her and my dad, not me and my fi. I got upset and said that just because they are paying it is still our wedding. She doesn't get it! Both of them! They say "I want this" and "I want that" and "I better like the centerpieces." I just want to raise my hand and say "um? Hi? Remember me? I'm getting married?"
AHHHH!! Sorry ladies I just really had to get it out. Anyone share the frustration?