All holidays [like clockwork] my partner has ruined or almost ruined each one… Is this something to be concerned about? Many of his relatives have mental disorders and I’m worried about spending my life with someone who either forgets every valentines day, anniversary, ruins Christmas, birthdays, and thanksgiving. He never gives flowers and he knows I love flowers! We have roses in the garden. I've never received jewlery as gifts from him and it's been 7 years (except for an e-ring). He never gives gifts, in general, nor makes up for it with showing love. Please help! Anyone have experience with this?
Everyone I've introduced him to has told me there's something strange about him. Is it borderline personality?
Firstly, no one on the internet can disagnose your SO with anything. Get thee to a clinic.
Also, what do you mean he "ruins" the holiday. By not getting you a present? By instigating fights or being mopy? By pissing in the gravy dish?
This is why I only asked for people with experience dealing with the same issues to see if I should bring it up to him. He tends to say rude comments to me on holidays or starts an arugement.
@YUNO1: hey what part of Canada are you from? I'm a Canadian myself :)
@SashaL00OVE: Well, you didn't exactly give much information. So he doesn't give you flowers or jewelry...that could mean any number of things.
@SashaL00OVE: You need to relax, she is trying to be helpful by getting more information from you. You don't say much about what exactly he does to "ruin" your holiday.
Holidays are stressful for many people, and can bring up bad memories from childhood, or remind them of loved ones who have passed on, etc. Maybe this is why he is cranky or argumentative on holidays. If he treats you well otherwise I would let it go. Those days only come 4 or 5 times a year. Find a way to make it more low-key, like doing something non-traditional for a holiday. Maybe go on a cruise at Christmas, or have a backyard BBQ for Thanksgiving.
That being said, from what you mentioned I don't think he has a mental disorder. That's a pretty weighted term to be throwing around; please be careful how you use it. If he does have some sort of mental disorder (and there is more to the story that we don't know about), try to be supportive in encouraging him to seek therapy.
On my last birthday: I went shopping for a dress to wear to the party. He spent the entire night angry at me since someone checked me out and I didn't know. It was a classy dress (not a short, skimpy dress). He ruined my bday. This is the most G rated example but trust me... They are much, much worse examples.
@Miss Leopard: I'm relaxed.
He ruined the cruise we went on together for our anniversary too. I'm not over reacting, my entire family believes he has a screw loose and I didn't see it until recently. He has no childhood pain from what I know of. No close family members have passed away yet... He gets the blues for some reason every holiday and when I tell him he turns it around into my fault. He has said some of the most insulting comments before.
@SashaL00OVE: With the vague pieces of information you've given us - no one can possibly tell you whether this is normal or not. If you want true advice, then you need to disclose a little bit more info for us.
@yogaqueen: He's really overly sensitivy, though for some reason on holidays he becomes an asshole.
Yeah, from the information you've provided we can say he sounds like a jerk, he sounds like he may be insecure, etc. All we can do is comment on his behavior. If you think that this behavior stems from a mental disorder, I would try and get him to recognize that this is a problem. Engage him and see if he'll get involved in counseling. Then a therapist can take a look at the situation. He may get pissed off at this and may think you're way off base. Maybe try to suggest couples counseling then.
@SashaL00OVE: So are you back with your FI/ex-FI now? Confused by your previous posts.
I find there's not many Canadians one here! I'm from New Brunswick. Where in Ontario are you from? Starting a Canadian girl thread stat!
@SashaL00OVE: Your last topic says you have recently broken up with your FI of 7 years.
This topic is referencing your FI of 7 years as though you are currently together. Are you broken up or not?
@Miss Leopard: We currently are and remain in close touch (phone calls daily, texting).
This sounds nothing like a DSM diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. But he may have something going on...maybe some sort of anxiety.
I'm certainly no mental health expert, but it seems highly unlikely that a mental disorder would pop up only on holidays...have you talked to him about it?
You cannot assume this man has a mental disorder because he's bad at giving gifts and remembering anniversaries. That describes like 60% of men. If I don't tell my husband what I want, I'm lucky if I get anything. Maybe there is something off with him but based on the info provided, he's pretty much an average to slightly careless dude. Nothing weird about that.
There is no way I can decide if your SO has a mental disorder or not, but when he was younger, were holidays stressful in his household? (Did the kids receive gifts, was it a pleasant time etc?) I ask because maybe holidays were stressful when he was younger, and that's why it seems to resonate with him? I know when I worked at an inner city school for a while, every year around Christmas, the kids would be crazy - stressed, acting out, sad, you name it. It was easy to see that Christmas was not a good time of year at home for them (holiday stress from not having enough money to give gifts, etc etc). You did mention you went on a cruise for your anniversary - that's a pretty great gift, even if you're sharing it! I hope things work out for you. :)
Yeah, my FI's family has a lot of personality disorders... father is NPD and sister is more BPD... and they're very serious, bad cases that nobody is really safe being around them...
From what you've said it doesn't sound like that though. That would involve some serious manipulation, gaslighting, abuse, etc.... from what you've said he just sounds immature unless there is something you haven't mentioned (and maybe its because you haven't yet seen it as a problem).
What your family might be seeing as a "few screws loose" might just be immaturity. He doesn't sound psycho... at least not from what you've described, which wasn't a whole lot yet. =)
We can't do families with my FI's family. We don't even talk to them. Its just too bad... too much drama and abuse.
Confuzzling.
If he is your partner, how can you be broken up, OP??
My ex used to ruin all the events that were important to me. He was moody, picked fights and avoided giving gifts. Turns out he suffered from being a total douche syndrome. Perhaps this is the same for your partner.
A mental illness would not just present on holidays and significant dates.
Honestly, this is kind of offensive. Just because you have a mental disorder doesn't mean you "ruin" things and certainly isn't the only reason. He may just not like the holidays.
No one can diagnose your FI/ exFI from the few bits of information you've shared. He sounds like he's not a match for you regardless. He's your ex- let it be.
telling us that he is a bad gift giver provides zero information about him.
And I'd suggest a nicer attitude for people who are responding to you. You sound like you could be a bit of a holiday ruiner yourself.
I'm honestly confused how you think anyone on here could help you attempt to diagnose your partner (or ex? unsure of what he is to you now.). From what little information you've provided us, he sounds like a jerk but nothing suggests any form of mental illness.
Plus, I agree with PPs that it's a little insulting to say that because your partner ruins holidays, he must have a mental illness. I'm sure there's more reasons than what you've shown us that point toward him being less-than-stable, but from what you've said in this thread he seems like any average ass.
Well, you haven't given any symptoms except, "He hates holidays" and "he doesn't buy me anything."
Secondly, the internet is not the place to diagnose you, your SO, your brother, your aunt or anyone else, for that matter. Ever used WebMD? Cancer, no matter what. My point is, the internet is a shitty place to seek medical advice unless you're looking for something specific.
Thirdly, maybe he just hates holidays? I am a literal grinch (I wish I turned green and furry) for Christmas. I dispise holidays and will do absolutely anything I can to not be involved.
Holidays suck.
Editing: Just before accusations/assumptions are made... just because I hate holidays doesn't mean I have a mental disorder. Or piss in the gravy dish.
@YogaFaerie: There is. I'm afraid to say online, and that's why I said the example of g rated compared to the others. Thank you for explaing your experience.
I love holidays myself, but that doesn't mean it is mandatory. You've given us almost nothing to go on (I know he gets moody around holidays an doesn't buy gifts - a huge amount of people fall into this category).
More importantly, it is impossible (and rather offensive) to try and have people on the internet diagnose a mental illness.
@acciotoni: Look, you don't understand. I can't say online and I ONLY asked for experience.
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