Post # 1
I just got a phone call about an hour ago from my son’s preschool saying he picked up a toy fork and told another kid that he would kill them. He has never done that to another kid before but at home he take a toy gun and pretends to shoot his sister, who then pretends to die and they take turns “shooting” each other. He knows that when someone dies they never come back but it’s hard to explain to him why his daddy can talk about killing people in his games but he can’t do it at school. I have tried explaining to DH that he needs to stop cussing and yelling when he is playing, especially since our son just said, “f-ing freaks” yesterday and got in trouble for it, but he said, “I’ll talk how I want. It’s my house and my kid.” I tried explaining that it will get our kids in trouble at school but he just says it’s stupid because our kid isn’t really violent. I just need advice on how to get my son to realize it’s not something he can say at school and how to get my husband to listen to me about watching what he says around our children. The school said he was written up and can be suspended if he does it again and that if he was in kindergarten then he would just be suspended the first time because they don’t want to mess with it but since he is just 4 and only in preschool they will let it slide the first time since he didn’t actually try to physically harm anyone and was just trying to play. He has been in school for a month now and this is the first time they have had a problem so they know he was just playing but they want to make sure it doesn’t become a habit that will get him in trouble later on.
Post # 2
bride21: Can the school talk to your husband about it? Maybe that way he’ll see how serious it really is. As for making your son understand, I don’t know if that’ll be too easy. Children are sponges and he’s clearly absorbing the things your husband says. It’s too bad your husband doesn’t understand that.
Post # 3
I think you need to stop being the middleman and have your husband talk to the teacher. When he hears from the school that they are no-nonsense and will suspend your son (which will impact his records and view of school for YEARS to come), maybe he will get responsible.
Post # 4
bride21: YIKES! Your hubby needs to get on board and realize that his behaviour absolutely influences his kids and his ‘it’s my house’ logic is flawed. The kids take it out of the house and therefore it impacts others.
If he can’t play the games without cursing etc maybe he shouldn’t be playing them around your son (I think the games are bad for kids regardless but that’s a whole other conversation). Your DH needs to realize that he has a child who is a sponge and he needs to behave in a way that is appropriate for a 4 year old to both behave and witness.
Post # 5
bride21: This is bad, especially since all the school shootings, stabbings, etc. I would freak if anyone threatened my preschool niece, even in jest.
Your son is 4 — he clearly doesn’t understand what he’s saying and why it’s bad. His daddy can swear and kill people in games, but he can’t do it at school because school is not a game.
Does the school have a psychologist? Maybe have that person talk to your husband, because you don’t want your kid labeled as a problem kid if he’s just exploring the world.
Post # 6
My son is 4 as well. He hasn’t said anything bad in school yet BUT he has threatened to kill me multiple times. He went away on a weekend to see his dad and his dads mother and came home saying this. It completely blew me away. He definetly got in trouble and he hasn’t said it since but the first couple days he was back he said it a few times. I admit I do have a nasty habit of cussing like a sailor but I’ve toned it down a lot. My daughter who is 9 had a period of time where she would get mad and escape to her room and scream cuss words. She has since stopped. My son will yell at you if you say a cuss word around hi so I don’t see him repeating any any time soon. I would sit your husband down and tell him You have to have a serious talk with him. Explain to him how his cussing and violent gaming is effectig your child.
Post # 7
Your husband needs to grow up. He needs to act in a way that presents a good role model for your son. Does he really think he can yell/cuss without your child modeling that behavior? Time to nip this in the butt now before he gets into real school because they won’t tolerate this kind of behavior.
Post # 8
I hope this is a wake-up call for your husband. The ONLY way to get your son to stop talking like that is to stop talking like that at home. Period. Don’t allow that talk from anyone, anywhere, and he’ll get the picture. Your husband needs to get on board with this — does he realize your son could be suspended?
Post # 9
Parents can’t teach what they don’t model. Your husband is deluding himself if he thinks that your son will not repeat the actions and words he sees at home, outside of the home.
Post # 10
bride21: At this age, kids are sponges! Your husband should speak with the teacher if that will make him realize that while he can technically do and say what he wants in his house, it is all absorbed. Most sons idolize their fathers and will repeat the stuff their father’s say and do. I have had this discussion with my FI, as he plays video games a lot. I’ve basically told him that I don’t want him playing violent video games when our kids watch, he can have his own room or do it when they’re asleep. This is pretty serious and hopefully you have some luck nipping it in the butt.
Post # 11
My husband works from before school start to after school gets out so it will be difficult to have the school contact him about it unless he agrees to talk on his lunch break. I sent him a text about it as soon as the school called me and when I told him about possible suspension all he said was, “omg retarded.” I keep telling him to stop saying that word too but he doesn’t listen. I mentioned he needs to cut back on yelling and cussing at his games and he sent a text back saying ok but I don’t think he will stop until we actally talk it out. Our son used to tell my husband to “stop saying no-no words” when he would hear cussing because that’s what I call them. Our daughter is 2 and is learning so much from both her brother and her daddy and I’m afraid she will get to be the same way or worse if we don’t get this straightened out now. I have an hour left before getting him from the bus stop and that’s when I want to start talking to him about it. My husband won’t be home until tomorrow evening so we can’t all sit and talk about it before he goes to school again but if I have some ideas on what to tell DS without his daddy here then we can have a talk tonight and then again tomorrow after my husband is back. I wish my husband was more like me in some ways. I don’t cuss or play games like that. The only game I play is WoW and that’s only when the kids aren’t watching me. I try to act how I want my kids to act but he doesn’t care. The school had me talk to my son a little on the phone and I told him it’s not nice to say those things and he needs to go say sorry and not say it again but that’s all I really thought of to say with that sprung on me over the phone. It’s just so hard for me to figure out when my husband fights me on it every time I tell him to watch what he says around the kids.
Post # 12
I can see the point of view that if the dad hears it from the school, he’ll understand they mean business. But as a teacher, I don’t necessarily think it’s the best idea for the teacher to explain anything other than the consequences of the son’s actions. It’s not our job to tell people how to raise their children. It’s the mother’s job to get her husband on board with how to parent. As teachers and administrators, we can only enforce the rules and give consequences when they are broken. The dad needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that children that age mimic what they see like crazy. He also needs to start living each day by the mind-set that he’s a role model for his son in all that he does and that his son sees and hears everything. It’s the mom’s place to tell him that, not ours.
Post # 13
bride21: your 4 year old’s idea of playtime involves shooting toy guns and killing his sister? i would say it’s time for some new toys that are constructive and positive, that don’t prioritize violence and killing people. he’s four!
also – why is your husband playing those types of games around your kids? shouldn’t he be doing something WITH them instead of playing violent video games and screaming? maybe you could look into some games everyone could play together, like wii etc or some family activities like board games, soccer etc. your husband should be saving those video games for when the kids aren’t around. there’s a reason they aren’t rated for 4 year olds.
i’m sorry this is happening but it’s definitely time to make some constructive rules for your family and think about how their leisure time is going to impact them. time spent pretending to kill people isn’t time well spent in my opinion.
Post # 14
While I agree that your DH should curb some of the words he uses while your son is around, but I also think your son needs to learn there are situational rules. Everything that is allowed at home isn’t necessarily allowed a school. Adults are allowed to do some thing that he is not.
Post # 15
bride21: ban the video games while the kids are up as that seems the root of the problem. I don’t understand grown ups that play video game anyway how do they have the time after work and everything else?! Most of these games are for over 18’s so your kids shouldn’t be anywhere around this.