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I created this ID as a way to keep who I am on here a secret. I'd really like advice about whats going on in my life right now. During my wedding planning, the hive was a huge support for me and now I am turning here for help. I don't know what to do and I cannot tell anyone what is happening irl.
I have been married for two months. During these two months I feel like my husband has turned into a different person and that my relationship is pretty much dead.
While dating, he was so enchanting, so nice and loving, respectful, and pretty much everything I dreamed of. Now, he yells at me, calls me names, he looks at me like he hates me and as if he is scanning me to see my imperfections. He talks about my body everyday and tells me what he'd like to change about it and he tells me that I'm fat - I know that I'm not fat. He is so mean to me to the point that I cannot even get out of bed in the morning because I am so depressed about it.
I know he isn't hurting me physically, but he is damaging me emotionally and mentally. I am so hurt inside. I try to tell him how I feel and he tells me to leave him alone.
The thing that has changed is the economy. He is hurting so bad in his business right now, that he is barely able to pay for the bills and before we had tons of extra money to splurge, now we are able to just pay our bills. I am not working and he tells me that I shouldn't work because he can pay for our bills and that he doesn't want me to work.
I am so upset about how things are turning out. Right now we don't have intimacy between us. He will not let me kiss him without turning his face. He expects me to give him oral sex everyday in the morning and at night. When I'm doing it, he says that this is why he married me - and I ask him why he says that, and he tells me it just turns him on to say it.
I absolutely cannot tell my parents and I dont really have close girlfriends to confide in. We dated for over 3 years and than got married. So its not like I am not the same person he dated. Things are just not happening moneywise, and its as if that is all that matters. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.
Can I fix this? How? What should I do? What would you do? I am so sick of this.
First of all, this is ABUSE. Please, please, please try to formulate an escape plan. Your husband is showing his true colors and it is not likely he will ever change back to who he was. I don't think you should be ashamed to tell your parents or anyone else, but you do need to talk to people who you can trust and who will help you.
Please leave now while you still can, I don't think I can emphasize this enough. This is not good for you! If you don't have the means of leaving right away, just find a job to build up some money in your own checking account--and leave in a little while. Do it soon.
PS-if you do not actually want to give him oral sex, it's rape. In rape cases, burden of proof is on the rapist, not the victim. Press charges to get out if need be.
First, I'd get a job. Something that you like to do (doesn't have to be a well paid job) and will make you want to get up in the morning.
Once you're feeling good about being productive, you will feel better about yourself. Maybe he'll notice that you're not just hanging on to his coatstraps and will realize he better not treat you like crap.
As for his behavior, it's inexcuseable.
I've heard of and seen men change dramatically when triggered by stress... sometimes they'll suddenly start acting like their father or another relative (or another negative role model).
I am normally a fan of communication and counselling... but his behavior sounds well across the line of acceptable behavior. Is it an option to move in with a friend for a while?
((hugs)) I'm so sorry to hear this. Have u guys sat down and had a serious talk and you tell him how he's making u feel? It sounds like maybe he's feeling a little insecure about himself. Even though he says you shouldn't get a job, would you still get one? They say that when things are going sour in a relationship it's usually because of financial issues. I hope everything works out for you, I hate to see fellow bees not feeling good about themselves. I don't blame you for being sick of it, I would too. I'm sure it can be fixed, he just has to want to!
OMG .. LEAVEEEEEEEEEE or have that big rant about that he cant do this too you.. Get a job and put secret squirrel money and bail.
I second everything that laboroflove said..
Im so sorry your going through this *hugs*
Why won't he be intimate with me? He won't hug me to tell me that everything will be ok or that we will make it.
I am going to start looking for a job tomorrow, but I don't have anywhere to go and I've never worked before. I feel like my life is over.
Can you call a domestic violence hotline? It's hard to know if this is circumstances or a pattern with your husband, but what I do know is that this is emotional (and possibly sexual) abuse.
In talking with the people on the hotline you can strategize what your appropriate next steps should be, and most importantly formulate a plan.
A plan is important because emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse at any time. You need to have a plan of action!
Please know that this is not your fault and you should not have to put up with this. We're always here if you need us. Stay strong and take action!
and we just had that talk. I poured my heart out to him. He listened and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything will change. I don't even know what to do to help this.
i'm so sorry you're going through this, too! but don't be embarassed or ashamed to reach out to your family and any friends you might have for help. i know you must be confused and scared and i am so sorry you're going through this. if you can -- try talking to someone you trust and see if you can stay with them for awhile. your mom, dad, sibling, girlfriend... anyone. it definitely sounds like abuse and you should distance yourself from the situation until you can get some counseling with him. good luck!!!
Has he been under stress like this before? Or is this the first time he's really struggled with money problems...
I don't feel entirely able to give you advice on this one without knowing more about you. I will tell you that you I think seeking help (counseling or the like) would be a good plan. I also think letting someone who is physically close to you know about the situation would be a good plan. To me, it sounds like more than money stress. I think Mr. Bee's suggestion to move out for a while is a good plan. Please, please do a little research. Find out where the nearest women's shelter is, should you ever need it. Be safe and if you are a praying woman, that can't hurt.
I think his behavior is abusive and beyond repair by talking it out, counseling, etc. It is very disturbing that he is trying to control you in every aspect of your life. What right does anyone have to tell you whether you can get a job or not? That is YOUR choice. And, as mentioned already, forcing you into oral sex is rape.
This guy sounds psychologically disturbed and the sooner you get out of this situation the better. Do you have any family members you can turn to?
Stress is affecting him big time--intimacy isn't a priority to him right now.
I think if you feel like he would listen to you, you should try to talk to him about how he's making you feel. But, something a few people have breezed over, there are a few red flags:
1. He calls you names. Emotional abuse and projection.
2. He told you not to work, that he wants to support you. Controlling, and also an ego issue.
3. He ignores any needs you have, intimately. Controlling and emotional abuse.
4. He is getting his needs met by forcing you. Controlling.
5. He changed after the marriage--he knew he had you. Hallmark of an abuser.
Please talk to a counselor, someone about this if you choose not to leave. This can escalate quickly, as you already found out after the wedding. Good luck, hugs and I wish you the best.
I don't know where you are, but here is a list of resources for you.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. He is emotional abusing you. If it won't make him angry, I would get a job to help out with the bills. If you can do that, it should relieve some of the stress from him and in turn you.
If it will make him angry to have you get a job, then I suggest finding some place that you can live for awhile and then get a job while you are there and try to put things in prespective. If this helps relieve things between the two of you and you know things are back to where they should be, then you could consider moving back in with him. If not, then you will need to make plans to move out on your own.
If things settle down some and you are able to talk to him, I suggest some counseling, if at all possible.
I really hope things get better for you. No one deserves to be emotionally or physically abused. Be careful because if this doesn't get resolved soon, his emotionally abusive behavior could very easily become physical. I speak from experience. If you need an outlet, please feel free to pm me.
Yes, definitely call a abuse hotline!
Here are the top 10 of 23 signs of an abusive relationship... do any of these apply?
1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public?
2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "bitch"?
3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?
4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?
5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?
6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?
7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?
8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?
9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?
10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?
More here: http://www.drdaveanddee.com/ab.html
This sounds like the same thing that happened to our (female) Pastor and my FSIL. Please please please, do call a domestic abuse hotline if nothing else. This is grounds for an anullment through the state, because he essentially was a fraud and is now being abusive towards you. Please seek help before anything gets any more out of hand.
I know that we seem like we're all pushing you this way but if you have seen the terrible experience that women in these situations have been through you would be pushing too. If you don't feel safe, you're not safe.
MrBee, there has been one extreme situation that caused so much stress in our lives and we got through it. It happened about one year into dating and we bonded together and were a team. This time, it isn't the same. It's as if he is not even on my side.
I try to tell him when he is saying something mean, dont say that to me, it hurts me so much. He says ok, and tries, but than he will say something indirect that is hurtful and its as if he is in a weird habbit that he developed and doesn't realize he is doing it.
He is so used to being mean to me that he says things and it's a habbit. Does that make sense?
He doesn't force me to do it, he just asks and tell me that he will be so much happier, so I do it and hope he will be happier.
As others have already advised, you are experiencing an abusive relationship, and that is unacceptable for you to endure. Call any kind of relative or friend or even a coworker, anyone at all who can help you move out. It may be just for a short time, and perhaps if you think of it that way it might be easier to accomplish. Counseling and therapy can save any relationship in which both partners are willing to work to save it, but right now it sounds like your husband is in a downward spiral and he needs independent therapy to help his own issues that are causing him to treat you in this way. Please know that this is not your fault and that you have the love, support and prayers of everyone here.
Whatever the cause for the change, his behavior is abusive and you need to make sure that you have someone to talk to... and somewhere to go. You may never have worked, but it might be time now to learn to take care of yourself.
What you're describing, not out right commanding, is coercion, I would be seriously alarmed if I were you. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
I have known some abusers who have reformed, and there is definitely hope for your relationship in the long term - with counselling and commitment from both of you.
But I would definitely read up on abusive relationships, and see if it rings a bell! A lot of what he's done and said seems pretty demeaning from the outside. :-(
Btw, what is his parents' relationship like?
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Abuse is an evil thing, whether it's new or old, and no excuse he can come up with justifies the way he is treating you. It's just not right. Please take care of yourself. You truly deserve the best.
It's a habit for him to be mean? You must know that this is abuse.
Also, if you're giving oral sex for any other reason than for mutual satisfaction between the both of you as part of an enriching sex life, it's still abuse on his part. He asks you because he knows you won't say no. What if you did say no?
Be careful, tread lightly and just know that he's probably not going to change his behavior. I don't think it's really a habit for him to be mean, I think he must know how he makes you feel and how you're different, and how he can still sleep at night knowing he's the cause is beyond me. I'm assuming a lot here, but it's still twisted that he is playing these mind games.
We fought so bad on our honeymoon, that I told him I wanted an annulment. We just bickered and we haven't stopped.
Why is this happening?
When I met him, I was transfering to another college, I was going to attend law school and I had everything set. Marriage was not a part of my plans. Want to know what he said on our first date? That I would not go to law school because i would fall in love with him. Tonight talking to him he told me, go back to school and go be a dr. or lawyer, but he expects my parents to pay for me to go to school. Guess what? They will not now that we are married. Maybe working and helping with bills would help with our stress? I know I won't make much and it's scary to think about it, I was fulltime in college and did not work. I am so scared. This is such unfamiliar ground.
About the signs:
1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public? Yes
2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "bitch"? Yes
3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers? Yes
4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?
He tells me how to style my hair and how to dress.
5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to? He calls me.
6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"? One time, yes.
7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone? I guess.
8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood? Mostly.
9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"? Yes.
10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you? No.
I definitely think that you should seek out professional help. This sounds like seriously abusive behavior. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
*Laboroflove* nailed it. All of those red flags are present in your relationship. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
Did this behavior JUST pop up since you've been married? Or did he start to display this behavior before the wedding?
Nearly this exact same thing happened to my Mom with her first husband (they were only married for 1.5 years - so it happened quickly). Right after they got married, he turned into a different man. He was controlling (to say the least), made her quit her job, insisted on dropping her off and picking her up from anywhere, made sure she didn't see her family, used Guilt a LOT to coerce/manipulate her, tried to get her pregnant against her will, sexual abuses that I won't elaborate on, etc. etc.
My Mom finally got out of it by getting her old job back, saving money and moving back in with her old roommate. I hope you can get some support outside of your marriage just to get some perspective, help and resources.
Everyone else has hit the nail on the head. I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're being strong and getting help. Do you know if any of his family members were every abusive? Children of abuse often revert back to that in times of extreme stress. He may even remember his dad treating him mom that way, etc.
My mom was never flat out abusive, but she had extreme control issues (has, I guess, but I'm out of the house now) and is extremely manipulative emotionally. That kind of abuse is real, and is so hard to explain. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, and I think some of the behaviors just trickled down to my mom, and only come out in times she is extremely stressed. It's a big part of the reason I got into the field of psychology.
Please keep us updated. My thoughts are with you.
You can also call WEAVE (Women Escaping a Violent Environment)
866.920.2952 is the number to the 24 hour support line. They can help with verbal/ emotional abuse and they also can let you know what resources are available in your county.
You should call just to talk out your situation.
Hope everything works out for you.
i am so sorry you are going through this right now. would it be possible for you to move back in with your parents to get on your feet? are you close enough to talk to his parents about it?
Btw, what is his parents' relationship like? : From what I can see, they are happy. They are very functional, and it seems like they have it together. Very close, tight knit, family oriented. My family, my parents are the ones who are dis-functional. When I was a baby my mother divorced my birth father - very awful relationship for her and remarried when I was little, I grew up with him and knew him as my only father (he adopted me), even though he is not my birth father.
It's a habit for him to be mean? - not to me. He was never mean to me. At the beginning of our relationship, he would "teach" me things ... like how he liked my hair to be, he thinks that he "grew me up" and taught me to be a woman. I didn't know it would never end. Sometimes I could see that he was a jerk to others and I would tell him he could handle things differently.
I cannot tell anyone. I actually feel that if I told my mom or dad, they would not talk to me anymore. They have their own issues and I would just be a complete burden to them. My family life is very disfunctional and I realized that I never even really felt safe at home.
I went to boarding school at 15 because my parents had problems in their life, came back after graduating and started college, they gave me my own place and I met my husband when I was in college getting ready to transfer out of state to another college. I didn't go, moved in with him, my parents sold my condo and now we are married.
So really, I have to figure out how to fix this on my own. I don't have anyone at all, besides who I talk to here at Weddingbee.
Thank you for talking to me. This is my first time actually telling anyone what is going on. Nobody knows.
You don't have to do it on your own--we are here for you, and I really hope you use some of the sources that the bees posted about!
You need to start recording each incident of abuse RIGHT AWAY. If you choose later to get an annulment or divorce it will be much, much easier.
I hope you find a way to get out of this situation. it sounds awful and I feel terrible for you.
You need to leave. Honestly, there is nothing else to say. This is straight up abuse. He isn't hitting you, yet, but the emotional and sexual abuse is just as bad. Truly, feel free to PM me is you need any help finding resources, or really anything. I'm sure that goes for several other Bees on here, you need help, and most of us will be happy to find it for you.
I wasn't going to even add this into what I'm dealing with, but the only thing I'm leaving out, is what happened two times in our relationship - once before marriage and once after. He punished me by telling me to sleep on the floor in the bedroom. He wouldn't let me lay in bed. So I layed on the floor because I wanted to go to bed. The reason why I did it, was that he was so upset with me and I felt so bad and that's the only option I had. It happened two times.
I just layed down on the rug and went on the computer until he said I could come to bed.
That is what I'm dealing with. There is nothing out there to explain what I'm going through or how to help it.
I only hear about a man hitting you ... to run. To tell people and they will help you. He never hits me or hurts me physically. He won't even hug me. That's how distant he is.
I cannot tell anyone this. They would think I'm crazy probably. I already agreed to live like this, I even married him.
You just told this to us all, and none of us think you are crazy. A lot more people have been through an abusive relationship than you may think!!
This is not okay. You need to seek out professional help immediately. I know that you feel like you can't talk to your family about this, but this is not something that you need to stick around for. He is abusing you, both emotionally and sexually, and you need to get out. Please, please seek out some help!
You cannot continue this way. I dont care if you find a pastor/rabbi (depending on your religon)... a cousin, aunt, sibling, friend SOMEONE.. YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL SOMEONE AND GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!! This is not healthy for you and the longer you stay the worse it is going to get! You are worth more than this.. DO NOT let him get into your head and start thinking you deserve this or you couldnt get better.. this is unacceptable!!!
Please know that his emotional abuse has to do with power and control and it has nothing to do with you as a person. It's not your fault that he treats you the way he does. Emotional/ verbal abuse is still considered domestic violence. Many times it will eventually escalate into physical abuse.
From the WEAVE website:
WEAVE identifies 5 types of domestic violence. All of these types of abuse are done for the purpose of gaining power and control over the victim. These types of abuse are different but are often inflicted upon a victim in various combinations.
Physical Abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured.
Emotional Abuse can be verbal or nonverbal.
Financial Abuse may include withholding resources, stealing from the victim, or using the victims name to incur debt.
Sexual Abuse is often linked to physical abuse; they may occur together, or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse
Spiritual Abuse is anything that comes in the way of you doing something or feeling good about yourself.
This is definitely abusive behavior. It may seem like it's not real abuse, b/c he doesn't hit you and he doesn't directly coerce you (but instead, uses your love for him to indirectly coerce you).
But I would definitely call an abuse hotline and bounce this off of them... I'm sure they can fill you in on how emotional abuse can escalate. :-(
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