Post # 1
I created this ID as a way to keep who I am on here a secret. I’d really like advice about whats going on in my life right now. During my wedding planning, the hive was a huge support for me and now I am turning here for help. I don’t know what to do and I cannot tell anyone what is happening irl.
I have been married for two months. During these two months I feel like my husband has turned into a different person and that my relationship is pretty much dead.
While dating, he was so enchanting, so nice and loving, respectful, and pretty much everything I dreamed of. Now, he yells at me, calls me names, he looks at me like he hates me and as if he is scanning me to see my imperfections. He talks about my body everyday and tells me what he’d like to change about it and he tells me that I’m fat – I know that I’m not fat. He is so mean to me to the point that I cannot even get out of bed in the morning because I am so depressed about it.
I know he isn’t hurting me physically, but he is damaging me emotionally and mentally. I am so hurt inside. I try to tell him how I feel and he tells me to leave him alone.
The thing that has changed is the economy. He is hurting so bad in his business right now, that he is barely able to pay for the bills and before we had tons of extra money to splurge, now we are able to just pay our bills. I am not working and he tells me that I shouldn’t work because he can pay for our bills and that he doesn’t want me to work.
I am so upset about how things are turning out. Right now we don’t have intimacy between us. He will not let me kiss him without turning his face. He expects me to give him oral sex everyday in the morning and at night. When I’m doing it, he says that this is why he married me – and I ask him why he says that, and he tells me it just turns him on to say it.
I absolutely cannot tell my parents and I dont really have close girlfriends to confide in. We dated for over 3 years and than got married. So its not like I am not the same person he dated. Things are just not happening moneywise, and its as if that is all that matters. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.
Can I fix this? How? What should I do? What would you do? I am so sick of this.
Post # 3
First of all, this is ABUSE. Please, please, please try to formulate an escape plan. Your husband is showing his true colors and it is not likely he will ever change back to who he was. I don’t think you should be ashamed to tell your parents or anyone else, but you do need to talk to people who you can trust and who will help you.
Please leave now while you still can, I don’t think I can emphasize this enough. This is not good for you! If you don’t have the means of leaving right away, just find a job to build up some money in your own checking account–and leave in a little while. Do it soon.
PS-if you do not actually want to give him oral sex, it’s rape. In rape cases, burden of proof is on the rapist, not the victim. Press charges to get out if need be.
Post # 4
First, I’d get a job. Something that you like to do (doesn’t have to be a well paid job) and will make you want to get up in the morning.
Once you’re feeling good about being productive, you will feel better about yourself. Maybe he’ll notice that you’re not just hanging on to his coatstraps and will realize he better not treat you like crap.
As for his behavior, it’s inexcuseable.
Post # 5
I’ve heard of and seen men change dramatically when triggered by stress… sometimes they’ll suddenly start acting like their father or another relative (or another negative role model).
I am normally a fan of communication and counselling… but his behavior sounds well across the line of acceptable behavior. Is it an option to move in with a friend for a while?
Post # 6
((hugs)) I’m so sorry to hear this. Have u guys sat down and had a serious talk and you tell him how he’s making u feel? It sounds like maybe he’s feeling a little insecure about himself. Even though he says you shouldn’t get a job, would you still get one? They say that when things are going sour in a relationship it’s usually because of financial issues. I hope everything works out for you, I hate to see fellow bees not feeling good about themselves. I don’t blame you for being sick of it, I would too. I’m sure it can be fixed, he just has to want to!
Post # 7
OMG .. LEAVEEEEEEEEEE or have that big rant about that he cant do this too you.. Get a job and put secret squirrel money and bail.
I second everything that laboroflove said..
Im so sorry your going through this *hugs*
Post # 8
Why won’t he be intimate with me? He won’t hug me to tell me that everything will be ok or that we will make it.
I am going to start looking for a job tomorrow, but I don’t have anywhere to go and I’ve never worked before. I feel like my life is over.
Post # 9
Can you call a domestic violence hotline? It’s hard to know if this is circumstances or a pattern with your husband, but what I do know is that this is emotional (and possibly sexual) abuse.
In talking with the people on the hotline you can strategize what your appropriate next steps should be, and most importantly formulate a plan.
A plan is important because emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse at any time. You need to have a plan of action!
Please know that this is not your fault and you should not have to put up with this. We’re always here if you need us. Stay strong and take action!
Post # 10
and we just had that talk. I poured my heart out to him. He listened and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if anything will change. I don’t even know what to do to help this.
Post # 11
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, too! but don’t be embarassed or ashamed to reach out to your family and any friends you might have for help. i know you must be confused and scared and i am so sorry you’re going through this. if you can — try talking to someone you trust and see if you can stay with them for awhile. your mom, dad, sibling, girlfriend… anyone. it definitely sounds like abuse and you should distance yourself from the situation until you can get some counseling with him. good luck!!!
Post # 12
Has he been under stress like this before? Or is this the first time he’s really struggled with money problems…
Post # 13
I don’t feel entirely able to give you advice on this one without knowing more about you. I will tell you that you I think seeking help (counseling or the like) would be a good plan. I also think letting someone who is physically close to you know about the situation would be a good plan. To me, it sounds like more than money stress. I think Mr. Bee’s suggestion to move out for a while is a good plan. Please, please do a little research. Find out where the nearest women’s shelter is, should you ever need it. Be safe and if you are a praying woman, that can’t hurt.
Post # 14
I think his behavior is abusive and beyond repair by talking it out, counseling, etc. It is very disturbing that he is trying to control you in every aspect of your life. What right does anyone have to tell you whether you can get a job or not? That is YOUR choice. And, as mentioned already, forcing you into oral sex is rape.
This guy sounds psychologically disturbed and the sooner you get out of this situation the better. Do you have any family members you can turn to?
Post # 15
Stress is affecting him big time–intimacy isn’t a priority to him right now.
I think if you feel like he would listen to you, you should try to talk to him about how he’s making you feel. But, something a few people have breezed over, there are a few red flags:
1. He calls you names. Emotional abuse and projection.
2. He told you not to work, that he wants to support you. Controlling, and also an ego issue.
3. He ignores any needs you have, intimately. Controlling and emotional abuse.
4. He is getting his needs met by forcing you. Controlling.
5. He changed after the marriage–he knew he had you. Hallmark of an abuser.
Please talk to a counselor, someone about this if you choose not to leave. This can escalate quickly, as you already found out after the wedding. Good luck, hugs and I wish you the best.
Post # 16
I don’t know where you are, but here is a list of resources for you.