My relationship isn't fun anymore…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it brings out differences that shouldn’t be ignored. Of course, only you know what’s best.  But perhaps you should take some time to determine if the storybook you have planned is a fairytale based on fantasy or reality… one will work out, the other can’t. 

Hugs to you!

Post # 4
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Loribeth:  +1 i think maybe you should both have a time out from the relationship before going ahead with the engagement and wedding planning

Post # 5
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

This is a toughie. Of course you could blame it on the distance, but reread all of your points please.

Based on what he says, he does not respect you. He’s telling you who he is, and you don’t match up with his ideals. That’s not something that’s easily transcended. But if you want to explore whether it’s distance, why don’t you wait for him to return, seek out some counseling, and feel it out? Place wedding plans on hold while you really figure out if he’s going bonkers from distance, or if he really feels in his heart that you lack ambition, that he has to carry your financial dead-weight and therefore keep you financially hostage, and gets joy out of tearing you down instead of “building you up.”

Believe me, when I read this, I had no impression of a story book romance whatsoever. Why would you want to subject yourself to this kind of treatment? Maybe the distance is really a blessing in disguise. Please don’t take that to mean I’m invalidating your relationship, but he’s showing you a different side that you need to consider.

Post # 6
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Firs tof all, I’m so sorry this is happening to you! It’s awful when relationships seem to go downhill and you don’t know why. 

Nobody knows your relationship like you do. Ultimately you need to be the one to make the decision because you are the on that will have to live with it. That being said, it seems like there are quite a few red flags and if you were my sister I would be very worried for you..

1. I don’t think he should be taking out his frustrations on you. Even if you were the cause of the frustrations (which in the case of his work you are not) that is no excuse for him to treat you poorly.  
2. Everyone wants a partner they are attracted to, but there is more to attraction than looks, and even if he does have issues with your looks there are more sensitive ways to suggest toning up. Also, this having such high expectations for people seems mostly like being judgemental. He sounds very negative in this situation and I’ve found that it’s not very fun to be around peole who are negative a lot, it tends to influence me towards negativity as well. 
3. There’s nothing wrong with having doubts or concerns, but I think the mature thing to do is to face them and decide if you’re willing to make the effort to get over them. It seems silly to me to point them out and not do anything about them. 
4. I have a friend whose SO does something very similar and it worries me. I feel like he’s putting her firmly in the position with the least amount of power and that is not a comfortable or safe place to be. When someone acts like they don’t care if you walk away, it doesn’t seem like they are very invested in the relationship. 

I was engaged previously and broke it off. I thought that I was in love with him an d looking back I guess I was. But, it’s very different from the love I feel for my husband. I felt like I needed my ex. When we were apart everything was a little less good, and that was unhealthy for me, because it caused me to overlook his (boarderline?) emotionally abusive behavior, treating me like I was the root of all of our problems and attacking my self esteem. I am so much happier now that my husband loves me for who I am and treats me well all the time, even when we disagree. He puts me above everything else and works to keep our marriage strong. We are both invested in our marriage, I don’t feel like it’s just me like I did with my ex. 

Again, my experienes are not your experienes and you know best what to do for you. You seem to be thinking things through very rationally and I applaud you for that. 

Post # 7
196 posts
Blushing bee

I think you need to talk to him about his communication style. If he’s willing to, ask him to go to some counselling sessions with you (if you can afford it). Being able to communicate effectively with each other is incredibly important in a relationship. If he is unwilling, maybe try a book? But he needs to work with you on this. A relationship takes two people working at it, not just one. And love just isn’t enough if he won’t work with you. Relationships change over time, so it may have been better at one time, and  you might be able to get to a better place. But it’s really important to calmly communicate with him what you need out of this relationship, and find out what he needs out of the relationship as well. If he’s not happy with something between you two, you need to know it as well, but in a respectful way.

Post # 8
1030 posts
Bumble bee

When I first started reading this, I thought ‘Hey that sounds like my relationship!’ guy who always wants to be the best etc but as I read on I had to stop the comparisons.

I’ve gone through phases of being miserable (whilst he was studying I was the main earner and I’d moved 300 miles away from my family to be with him, and didn’t enjoy my job) but I could always see beyond that to a time when it would get better, and it did.

It doesn’t matter what your relationship looks like on the outside- if you’re questioning your happiness and future with this guy then don’t go ahead with it. How can he make comments about being unsure if you two will work out if he wants to marry you?

Listen to your gut. It’s always worth the pain of a breakup when you finally meet the perfect guy. You’ll look back and think “that was the best decision I ever made- I can’t believe I almost didn’t do it.”

Post # 9
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

LDR are difficult at the best of times… but there should be more GOOD STUFF going on when you are together than this post tells me.

As it is now… I wouldn’t date him…

Between the “not so great” phone calls, the snarky underhanded remarks about your appearance, his inflated ego (I am better than everyone else), his sarcastic look at your career calling you unambitious or that your job doesn’t count…

Add in his low self-esteem… “Whatever I’m an asshole it is your own fault for being with me” that actually is passive aggressive enough to almost be saying “I’m an asshole and IT IS YOUR FAULT”

And ya, I’d be out of this relationship already.

He doesn’t appreciate you, he isn’t being respectful, and well quite frankly he reminds me a lot of my Ex who turned out to be a BIG Jerk in sooo many ways (over the years this kind of junk combined with his low self-esteem that developed into self-loathing, alcoholism and ultimately abuse of me)

Nah… not worth sticking around to see the end of this movie… it’s not a classic, its a Rotten Tomato.

Leave now.


Post # 10
4 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that – it’s a terrible thing to go through. It reminds me of my ex. Obviously, I don’t know what’s going through his head, but I can tell you that what you describe is exactly how a previous boyfriend used to act. I finally ended the relationship. Years later, I found out that the reason he was acting like that was that he wanted to break things off but couldn’t face doing it because we were “in so deep” (ie like you we were planning on getting married, had looked at rings, talked about weddings etc etc…). So he just started pushing me away and treating me really badly so that I would end things. It was a cowardly thing to do, but that’s who he was. Maybe that is not the case here, but it’s one possibility and a possibility I think you need to face.

Try counselling, and try working things out, but it takes two. If he isn’t willing to deal with his own issues (and make no mistake, this is about him, not about your gym habbits or your career choice), then you’ll have to consider walking away. I know it seems like an impossible thing to do. For me, I finally decided to leave when I realised that my only reason for staying was that leaving was too hard. Only you know what is really going to work for you and at the end of the day, none of us can make the decision for you. But just don’t stay for the sake of staying or because you’re too afraid to leave. Life is too short for that!

Post # 12
3059 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t think his criticisms have anything to do with anxiety. If one of your friends told you her SO treated her this way, what would you think. It sounds like this relationship has run it’s course but you are holding on because of an image in your head. He sounds mean and selfish to the outside world. 

Post # 13
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. From your description, it sounds like your fiance doesn’t respect you and is unwilling to change that behavior, since when you try to address it, he tells you it’s your fault for being with him.

If someone were treating me like that, and I was unhappy, and they basically told me it was my fault for sticking around, I’d be like, “You know what? You’re right!”

Two years is long enough to get to know someone well, but it’s not a lifetime. And I think a lot of relationships break down after around two years because by then the honeymoon has worn off, it’s not  new and exciting anymore, and people change too.

But the addition of the LDR could be causing trouble too. Some people just fight because they need the emotional fix, they’re far away and they’re lonely, and they want the attention, and a rock solid way of making sure someone’s attention is totally on you is to get them upset. So if everything was fine before, he respected you before this move, thenmaybe that’s what’s going on. (I don’t mean this is something that people do intentionally, just that it becomes a cycle.)


Post # 14
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wrote a really long post, and WB ate it. As a summary,

-get councilling

-he sounds abusive/boarderline abusive

-he is causing a very unhealthy self-image and will eventually destroy your self-esteem

-make engagement contingent on the two of you seeking councilling. Anyone who loves you enough to “make it work” in hard times, should be willing to get councilling to make it work in this hard time

-reconsider things for yourself. Would you allow a child to be part of this? What would happen if close friends and relatives saw behind closed doors? Re-read your post like it was written by a stranger and evaluate what you see. You marry people in the good and bad, but especially the bad. If he is this way normally, what will “bad” be?


ETA: Same with his worry about our relationship. He’s always stressed out about something. And his brain is constantly thinking of worst case scenarios.

If you starting your own business, being an equal financially and getting fat is his worst case scenario that he is stressing about, that is a BIG problem, in my eyes. Also, if he has an anxiety disorder, why is he not already in councilling to work on managing with it?

Post # 15
12885 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, if my Fiance said these kinds of things to me, he would be long gone.  He’s mistreating you and making you question yourself in many ways, and from your post, I just get an overall sadness.  I think you need to seriously consider if you want a life with this man.  It’s hard to believe how great he is (as you say in the first paragraph), once I read all of the other things he says to you.  Really, he sounds like what he’s saying is jerky, and, worst of all, he knows it and doesn’t care.

Post # 16
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have anxiety too and I don’t tell my SO that when I’m being a bitch its his fault for being with me. Yes, I overthink things. Yes, I always think about the worst scenarios. BUT I would never ever try to blame him on the emotions that I’m dealing with because of my anxiety.

To be honest, he sounds like a huge jerk. Especially with the you need to go to the gym thing. He should love you exactly the way you are. If he continues to harp on your weight, this is not going to end well, I can tell you from experience. I was a size 1 and my ex told me I needed to start going to the gym to “tone.” About 6 months later I had developed an eating disorder and was still being told I needed to be more “toned.”

If you want to stay with him, you both need to go through some serious counseling.

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