My relationship with my so-called best friend is in serious trouble (long!)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2800 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Relationships change, which it sounds like yours is.  Thats okay.  It sounds like you are drifting apart. Maybe it isn’t the best thing for you to be in her wedding, but backing out now is unnecessary, and just will burn a bridge. 

TTC is a big deal to you and your husband, but the rest of the world just won’t care until you are pregnant.  It’s kind of the cold hard truth on that one.  The only people who will even want to hear about it are people who are also TTC.  What she said isnt the most considerate, but she likely doesn’t know what to say.  I wouldn’t either.  Telling someone you are TTC is basically telling people you are having sex.  Anything I could ask at that point is too personal in my opinion.  And if I celebrate with you now, what happens 18 months down the road when it doesn’t work?

Nothing she has done gas been directed at hurting you.  Be in her wedding, be happy for her.  Don’t hold everything that you had in this post against her (as it sounds like she may be inconsiderate, but but hurtful.)  If the friendship drifts further after the wedding, let it die naturally.

Post # 4
42166 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@starz88962:   Is it just me or is that the most offensive, selfish thing to say ever?!

Sorry to say, I think it’s just you. I think she was looking forward to partying with you at her wedding and if you are TTC or pregnant you won’t be able to drink. That doesn’t mean you won’t be able to have fun. It just means that her vision would be altered if you are pregnant or TTC- no champagne in the orange juice getting ready, no drinking on the bachelorette etc.

It makes me not want to be in her wedding. It makes me not want to be her friend anymore. It makes me want to cut her from my life. 

Can we say overreacting? It was something she blurted out, not the end of the world.
The fact that you and DH have decided to start TTC next summer isn’t really anything for anyone else to fall over with excitement right now.
Maybe she wasn’t the best MOH ever. I think that is coloring your reaction- don’t you?

Post # 5
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think the drifting apart is absolutely a horrible thing to go through. I feel for you on that.

However, there were a few things that stuck out to me in this post that made me sad for your friend. That fact that her getting engaged a week before your wedding is not “stealing your thunder.” I don’t see how her joy should make yours any less exciting? It wasn’t like he proposed in the middle of your vows.

On top of that, I really don’t find her comment all the offensive. A little annoying, at most, but offensive? If you were telling her you were pregnant, I’d think a little differently… but all you told her was that you are going to start trying to get pregnant. Is it exciting? Absolutely! But it’s not something that all of your friends are going to fawn over. I love my best friends and would lose my mind with excitement if one of them told me they were pregnant…but if they said they were TTC, I’d probably say, “oh, awesome” and move on. In fact…my best friend just mentioned to me they were going to TTC and I made a comment like, “whooooa! No newborns at my wedding, haha…” We’re friends. She knew I was kidding. 

Post # 6
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@starz88962:  Based on your reaction to her engagement being that you thought she was stealing your thunder, I’m not surprised that she was less than super enthusiastic about your pregnancy.  It seems you are not so close any more and you are both focused on yourselves.  It happens.

Post # 7
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I find the comment very self absorbed since you were on the topic of YOU planning to start TTC and instead of getting excited or even making a comment on it she refers back to her wedding next year… as if your news was not important to her at all!

It is hard to word this… but it sounds like she was almost expecting you to be able to drink. I’d assume she was probably thinking that you wouldn’t be drinking at her bachelorette party or at her wedding – I’m just getting the feeling the comment was aimed in a fashion of your either going to be a buzz-kill by not drinking too or she wants a bridal party who can “party”. That is just how I would personally take the comment.

I don’t think it would be at all inappropriate to approach her to say you don’t want to be in her bridal party anymore. You can explain to her what you’ve essentially explained above and that you did not appreciate how she expressed no interest on your TTC news when she is supposed to be your friend. As long as you are civil about the whole thing you aren’t in the wrong at all. Friends drift apart all of the time and you don’t need to make things worse by faking being happy up until her wedding – it’d be better to back out now.


Post # 8
3119 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hm, I’m sorry you are feeling frustrated about your best friend, but I do think you are overreacting a bit. Our lives are never really as exciting to anyone else, even our best friends, as they are to us. And saying that you are PLANNING to start TRYING to conceive in the future just isn’t that earth-shattering to me, and if I was your best friend, sure I’d be happy for you, but it’s also possible I’d be slightly annoyed that you brought it up right during/after a conversation about my wedding. I bet she regrets blurting out her comment, but it’s how she was feeling at the time and she probably didn’t think before she spoke. 

As for getting engaged eight days before your wedding, I really can’t sympathize with that. My little sister got engaged about a week before my wedding and I was nothing but thrilled. So excited for her and her FI, especially because she got to celebrate and show off her gorgeous ring to all of our out-of-town family at my wedding. Definitely didn’t feel overshadowed even a little bit. 

If your friendship is drifting apart, that’s one thing, but if you want to hold on to it then really do what you can to try to make sure you are taking her feelings into account. 

Post # 10
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Well, she announced her engagement a week before your wedding & you thought she was stealing your thunder and you announce you planning to ttc while she’s discussing her wedding, similar thing? Maybe I could understand if you announced your pregnancy or something but announcing that you’re planning ttc? Eh. Maybe if you decide to still be a bm it’ll help you guys be close again. (If you’d even want that)

Post # 12
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

@julies1949:  +100

You are very excited about big changes happening and your life and she is very excited about changes happening in hers. No one will be as excited as you about these things. The whole ‘stealing thunder’ thing has always been ridiculous to me. Couldn’t you just have been happy for her rather than think about how you thought it would detract from your attention? 

People change. Priorities change. And thus friendships change. Sad to say this one may have run its course. It sounds like she no longer gushes over every detail of your life because these things are happening to *her* now. It also sounds like you’re not quite sure how to handle that. People grow apart that way. It’s just a fact of life. 

Post # 13
876 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I could understand if you announced your pregnancy or something but announcing that you’re planning ttc?

Actually, you announced that you are going to start trying 7 or 8 months from now. Not *guess what? I’m pregnant!* or *guess what? I’m trying to get pregnant!* but *guess what? 7 months from now I’m going to start trying to get pregnant!*. I mean, I think the whole *thunder-stealing* mentality is ridiculous but I’d say you were far more guilty of that then she was. Her off-the-cuff drinking remark sounds more like dry humor to me. In reaction to what she probably took as blatant me-me-me behavior.

Post # 14
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@starz88962:  In my honest opinion, I too think that you’re over reacting a bit. People’s lives don’t just stop when you’re about to get married (And I know you don’t think that they do) But how far before your wedding would have been an appropriate time for her to get engaged? Would you have thought 30 days before would still be her stealing your thunder? If the proposal had happened on your wedding day, that’s one thing. But 8 days in advance? Sorry, I don’t agree.

And the trying to conceive thing, the PP’s have all said it. It’s not like you said you’re now trying to conceive, or you’re pregnant. Her comment wasn’t the greatest, but I don’t think it’s anything worth being offended over. She’s just excited about her wedding and probably had expectations and your comment through her off guard, a bit.

To me, it sounds like you two are probably drifting apart and you might be looking for any signs or proof that she’s not someone that you should be friends with anymore. It sounds like you’re really disecting every thing she says / every action she does to validate your feelings that she’s not all that good of a friend? Maybe I’m totally wrong here, but I went through something similiar. My best friend and I were drifting apart and I over analyzed everything to somehow validate these feelings I had that she was changing and not being a good friend to me anymore.

People grow up and change. Maybe you should sit down and talk with her about how you both feel and also how you felt hurt a bit that she wasn’t there for you a lot during the planning of your wedding and how her comments have hurt you. You’re both adults and I think you should be able to have an honest discussion about where you’re both at.

Good luck!

Post # 15
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@starz88962:  Is it just me, or shouldn’t your best friend be over the moon excited for you when you tell her that you’re considering starting a family?

I don’t think that’s really something to be over the moon about, to be honest. It’s not like you’re pregnant… you just announced that, at some point, you’ll have a baby. Nothing about that is particularly unusual or amazing to other people.
Also, if one of my good friends told me that, yeah I’d probably feel a bit sad as well that things would change. Because it means no drinking champagne together whilst getting ready for the wedding, no more spontaneous girls’ nights out or trips to the cinema, and probably a lot less time for phone calls and visits. Worst case scenario (although a realistic one that seems to happen a lot), my friends might even stop wanting to spend time with me altogether in favour of spending time with other mums. So honestly (though FI and I are CBC and I’m probably therefore biased), I don’t think I would get super excited if my friend told me that she was TTC. I would support the choice, but that’s pretty much as far as it goes.

Post # 16
1321 posts
Bumble bee

From your OP, I totally get how you feel given the level of closeness you and your friend shared before she started dating her now FI.  It sounds like your friend started to grow and change as her relationship blossomed, and you continued on with your life and ultimately the two of you are in slightly different stages in your life now and can’t see eye-to-eye like you used to be.

I would really encourage you to just forgive and let go all of the bottled up resentment you’ve been harboring against your friend.  It’s making you easily triggered and you’re projecting a lot of your own stuff onto your friend that she’s not guilty of.  We are all ultimately selfish & self-centered, and our lives will always be the most important thing to us compared to other people’s lives.  So the way your friend reacted that you can’t drink at her wedding, and your disappointment that she’s not as excited about your TTC is normal.  If your friend were to vent her side of the story, I’m sure she feels you were so wrapped up in your wedding, etc. that you weren’t really there for her either.

Friendships change and grow as time goes on.  It’s normal to feel more disconnected whenever people go through big transitions like weddings and babies.  But if you two really love and care about each other as friends, lots of forgiveness and letting things go is the antidote for any bumps and obstacles along the way.  And maybe when you both are settled into your lives, your friendship will renew itself and you’ll once again share the closeness and comrarderie you had before.

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