- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I keep trying to tell her if she really wants to find love she should keep an open mind. I use myself as an example and try to tell her that if I only dated within my race I wouldn't be married to a sweet, funny husband who she thinks is awesome. That still doesnt seem to make a difference.
@kate169: That is uncalled for. I had a friend that would say the same thing in front of a "black" guy that I was semi-with. I would get so angry with her. Oh, and guess what? She tried to hook up with him behind my back.
That's really offensive, I just can't understand how she doesn't see how racist that is. Why does she think it's ok to say it outloud?
@kate169: Absolutely. I think people who are very vocal about this are fighting a possible desire they may have. Just my opinion and observation though.
I am wondering if she is coming from a "cultural" perspective rather than a racial one. In other words she wouldn't date a black man (or Asian, or Indian etc) because they have different habits, beliefs and perspectives. Just a thought that came to my mind, but you know her better than I do.
EDIT: Not at all downplaying the offensive nature of the comment or your feelings regarding it so please don't take it that way.
@Treejewel19: even if it was from cultural...Black men (or any man) should not be used for sex toys, if you cant date them....dont sleep with them!
Umm..why is she your friend?!! Sorry, I hope that's not snarky, but I wouldn't put up with that.
@MrsStrawberry24: I completely agree and will not argue with you on that pont. Again, that leads me to my very same question as sleeping with someone and dating them are two entirely different things. To date someone is to relate with them and get to know them...that isn't necessarily required for a hook up.
Again, I am not at all trying to deflate or downplay the offensive nature of the comment so please don't take it as a start to an argument...I was just honestly curious as I have a friend that says similar things and she comes from a different perspective.
"...she also flirts with my husbands cousin all the time and tried to get him to have sex with her on more than one occasion."
Can we just go back to this sentence for one second? How on earth is it okay for a friend to try to get your boyfriend to have sex with her??? Unless it happened before she met you, she is no friend of yours, my dear! :S
@kate169: Oh my goodness! How rude and offensive! I had something similar, but on a smaller scale, happen to me in high school. Once, I was working on a group project at a classmate's house with some other classmates and we were talking about prom. One of the girls didn't have a date and we were trying to suggest who she could go with. Someone mentioned a black guy and she goes "Um, he's black...no." At the time I was dating a black guy (I'm white) and I was like "Uhhh, I'm standin' right here, bitch!" It took her a second, but she realized what she said and apologized but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I'm now engaged to a white man, but I've definitely been there and it sucks when people's intolerances come out that way.
I don't get that!!! So rude! I am white, and I think black men are gorgeous!!
@GDub: I think she meant that her friend tried to sleep with her husband's cousin, not the husband himself. I could be incorrect, though.
It's one thing to have preferences, it's another to be a jerk about it.
I've gotten a lot of "oh, well my parents/grandparents would disapprove if I brought home a ____". It always annoyed me, people blaming their preferences onsomeone else, like that makes it alright or explains their "tolerance shortcomings". If x is not your type, say it! Don't pull out this "oh I could never date x" or "my family wouldn't like it" business, because that makes you an awful person that is likely lying to yourself.
You don't have to bring your flings home, and that's why "I could never date (type you have tons of flings with)" happens. Ugh.
Anyway. FI and I have gotten similar comments, we usually reply "well it works for us, and that's all that matters".
We met FMIL's BF and were telling him about the dirty looks we get, and he had the nerve to ask FI twice if he "got off on that". Classy, Mr.-I'm-from-the-north-so-I'm-automagically-tolerant.
We don't like FMIL's BF.
i may be the minority here but i think its ok to not be attracted to a race because it doesnt rock your boat. personally im not attracted to black men or asians but i dont go around saying this - especially to a friend who is, yeah thats just rude & hurtful
im also not attracted to short men either - doesnt make me a racist, doesnt make me a bad person, just like some guys like bigger women, some like smaller asian ladies - we like what we like
@eloping: Exactly. I'm fine with people having preferences, it just annoys me when they are jerks about it. Either people walk around, waving the "I don't date x!" flag (like OP's friend), or they hide it somewhere, because they feel bad for having a type, because it disagrees with their otherwise PC/tolerant/touchy-feely-huggy-huggy ideals.
@eloping: no one said you can't have preferences. Sorry but youre not getting the whole problem here her "friend" says that stuff in front of her husband who is black!! Her husband is black and she says it in front of him. That's as if someone said something offensive about your hubby in front of you! Would that be ok with you?
@kate169: & it sounds to me like your friend is jealous of what u have . Ignore her, you're lucky to have found your soulmate :) she's ignorant for saying that stuff!
@pandaboo: i did say it was rude and hurtful but others above were saying she was was racist - i would put OPs friend in the bitchy without a filter/clue category before this
@Treejewel19: I generally don't like the train of thought that black people (or people of any race) have different habits, beliefs, or personalities than "other" people. I don't find it to be true. I am a black woman marrying a black man, and I get so tired of white and black people alike telling me how well I speak, and how it's nice that I'm so educated. I was raised by black people who would have it no other way, and raised around black people just like me. I don't like the idea that people see me as an exception, or the idea that people think my fiance "got lucky finding a good black girl."
Not saying that's how you feel. I understand you were just saying your friend sees her reasoning as deeper than just racism. It just hit a nerve with me. :-)
Not to threadjack. I have friends tell me they would never date a black girl, but they try to say it with respect, not like your friend says it, and they only bring it up when asked. Not that that makes it better to hear, but we all do have preferences. Haha.
Oh, I think I'd snap back with "why not?" And then go on to say "once you go black..." ;)
Honestly she doesn't sound like a respectful friend. Definitely lacking in tact and manners!
@sweetpea87: No, no I get you that makes sense and I appreciate your perspective very much. I don't however understand how you can deny that different races and cultures have a variance in perspectives, habits and traditions. That was more in-line of what I was relating to (not personalities or characteristics...ie: stereotypes).
To clarify with my personal experience, I am engaged to someone with a hispanic family. I love his family but in the beginning there were certain traditions and perspectives that were new to me and that I didn't understand or couldn't relate to coming from a small, non-Catholic and very conservative family. I embraced all the new things as my own and happier for it but I could see for someone less open it could be a frustrating thing trying to adapt. That is all I meant I suppose...more along the lines of traditions and perspectives and not stereotypes. Does that make sense?
Okay, back to the main point....your friend was rude.
@eloping: People can have preferences but its not cool to voice them in front of others, especially when the people you are talking to are part of the group you are saying you don't like.
I also don't agree with the fact that she really wants to find someone and would discount an entire group of people based on skin color but that's another topic entirely.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 52 |
| This Time Round | 44 |
| Brielle | 43 |
| Future Mrs K | 38 |
| mypinkshoes | 34 |
| his chippymunk | 34 |
| ndreighton | 33 |
| Cady | 32 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 32 |
| TheLionQueen | 31 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
I just started thinking about this because of the interracial couples thread. I'm Asian, my husband is black. My friend is white and she frequently asks me for dating advice. She has said to me, in front of my husband that she would "never" date a black guy. I tried telling her it's offensive to me, but she really doesn't see it that way. She loves both me and my husband and was a bridesmaid in the wedding but doesn't get that saying you wouldn't date a black guy to someone married to one is kind of rude.
Oh...she also flirts with my husbands cousin all the time and tried to get him to have sex with her on more than one occasion. So she can sleep with a black guy, just not date him? Ugh. It really annoys me that she doesn't get it.