Post # 1
I’ll start out with a little background information about my situation.
My fiance and I started dating in highschool and have been together for almost 6 years. I’ve always had self confidence issues, mainly from being teased for being a bigger girl as a kid. All throughout highschool I was plus size, and when my fiance and I started dating I was plus size. When we started dating I was a size 11/13. My fiance is 6’5 and 140 lbs, and even though I was convinced I would never date a guy skinnier than me, I fell for him instantly.
I’ve gained almost 50lbs since we started dating. I can blame a lot of things for my weight gain, such as my birth control, or being in a relationship. I know it’s all excuses though and really comes down to my diet and exercise. I’ve struggled the last 3 years to try and lose weight, but I get stressed and give up. I’m now a size 16/18. I know this isn’t fair to him that I’ve gained this much weight. It’s to the point I doubt his feelings for me, and my self confidence keeps getting worse and worse.
My fiance has never been one to express emotion but he did compliment me and made me feel really special at the being of our relationship. The honeymoon stage is long over and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get my fiance to compliment me. Not only does he not compliment me but I feel neglected, he very rarely shows PDA. He spends most of his time on his computer, and no matter what I try to get him to notice me it doesnt matter. It was brought up in our premartial counseling as a topic effecting our relationship. Our pastor gave my fiance homework to compliment me every day for the next three weeks. It didn’t matter if it was on how I handled a situation or on how I looked, it just had to be sincere. We are almost at the end of the three weeks, and he’s complimented me once. I mentioned it to him twice (once playfully and the second time seriously) and it still didn’t matter.
I’m so lost on what to do. I’m so in love with my fiance, but this is really effecting our relationship. I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life wondering if he is attracted to me or appreciates anything I do.
I don’t know if theres anything I can do but I’m desperate.
(Sorry for such a long post!)
Post # 3
I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel.
I know it’s hArd to get motivated but you need to for your own sake. You should also consider therapy, it sucks not having confidence. I’ve gained 35lbs since last year, but this time rejoins I have confidence. Being healthy helps but ultimately it’s how you feel emotionally that influences your confidence.
back to your fiance though, he really should compliment you more, honeymoon phase or not. My husband and I have been together four years and we compliment eachother every day. Maybe if you set the example he may follow along, maybe he’s just comfortable and not thinking it really needs to be said, but don’t beat around the bush, tell him exactly how you feel
Post # 4
I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with this issue. It sounds like you neEd to do some things to improve the way you see yourself. I understand what it’s like to struggle weight so please know thst this comes from someone Who understands. you know that making excuses for your weight are not helping anyone esp yourself. Take the time thst you spend worrying about how FI doesn’t compliment you and out it into finding exercise activities thst you enjoy. once you start to lose weught coupled with the endorphins produced through exercise you will start to feel better about yourself, which will motivate yoi to continue , FI will notice and life will be a lot different .
Nothing is going to change until you become happy with yourself. Not saying you need to be skinnier to be happy but it seems YOU are unhappy about your weight. I think involving your FI in the process will be a motivator for you . sit him down and ask for his honest opinion on your weight. Maybe your weight actually doesn’t bother him but instead your constant assumptions thst it does have started to annoy him. If he is somewhat put off by it well then at least you know. Look into healthy eating programs that focus on high protein and low processes carbs . Search amazon for books on how to stop using food as a ‘drug’ there are some really good ones thst can help !
Post # 5
I don’t necessarily agree with PP. My SO NEVER compliments me! At least never my appearance. Some people are just like that. He also doesn’t like when I compliment him because he thinks it’s superficial. But I don’t care, because he shows me that he finds me attractive. It took me a while to realise this because I was used to guys complimenting me all the time. Are there non-verbal signs that he appreciates and is attracted to you? It sounds like that’s the real problem you’re having: that you feel neglected. That’s not cool, and it’s a bad sign that he doesn’t seem to want to remedy the situation. You need to have a serious discussion with him about that.
But about your self-confidence, only you can create it. I can almost guarantee that if you start working out regularly, you’ll feel a LOT better, whether or not you look different, because you’ll feel healthy and in control. Make a plan for yourself to eat healthy and exercise, and I mean start now, not tomorrow or next month. You’ll feel great not just because you are healthier, but also I find that challenging myself and succeeding always gives me a self-confidence boost. You can’t rely on anyone you make you feel good.
I hope you both are able to deal with this. Good luck 🙂
Post # 6
@Sunshine1011: You better start loving yourself. If it means getting serious at the gym or not eating out or whatever you gotta do it. He will see your confidence grow and that will turn him on to compliment you. It could be that you have gained 50 lbs that has made him more distant. My FI is thinner than me. Always has been. I am a size 8 right now I am happier at a 6 and he likes me 8 and smaller. We have talked about my weight a lot. I gained 30 lbs through our 5 years and I finally broke down and realized I needed to stop my bad habits. I lost the 30 lbs in a few months. I worked really hard though. I have since gained 10 back but Im ok with that and so is he. He tells me I look good when we go out and I get to dress up. He tells me how happy he is that I took initiative to get back on track with being healthy and getting in shape. My FI is cute…for sure but I would not go as far to say sexy or whatever. He has a lot of confidence in himself though and that is what attracted me to him. That is what attracts many couples to eachother. If you have confidence in yourself…no matter your size…it shows and its attractive! So again….start loving yourself. He will see a difference in your personality and will be more inclined to give you compliements.
Post # 7
@Sunshine1011: Your self confidence isn’t affecting your relationship — your fiance being a tool is affecting your relationship.
Post # 8
I would sit down with your FI and talk about your feelings because he needs to know how bad it makes you feel. Now, some guys just don’t compliment. It’s just the way it is, but I don’t think he is doing it becuase you are “heavy”.” I think he gets the vibe that you are unhappy with yourself, and he doesn’t know what to say.
I would make a good faith effort to start getting more active. Not for him, but for yourself. I lost quite a bit of weight with My Fitness Pal which is a calorie counting website. It is great becuase you accumulate very supportive friends who can help you if you do get stuck. It’s also easy because you really can eat whatever you want as long as you portion it and eat in moderation.
Whatever you choose, I wish you good luck. If you can go to counseling for your image issues, I would, but if not find ouyt what does make you feel happy and confident and do it for yourself and nobody else. Once you start loving yourself, you will be golden.
Post # 9
@JLR1982: I disagree, not all men compliment. My DH rarely compliments me. And I am okay with that.
Op you need to love you for who you are, before you can do anything else. Be happy about you. If that means to get up off the couch and start working out, to eating healthier to even going to counselling.
Post # 10
I think definitely having confidence helps someone want to compliment another person – I know I try not to blab too much when having a “I’m ugly” day because well, that’s just no fun for anyone, lol…
That said, some guys aren’t complimenters, but I would talk to your FI and let him know that’s something that means something to you. Hope it all works out for you chica.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Dudes aren’t going to compliment you constantly throughout your relationship, they don’t think that way and it doesn’t help that you’ve gained 50 pounds. Not even for the weight issue but the health issue. You need to start loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, why would anybody else?
Get healthy. Taking care of yourself shows you that you love yourself and when you love yourself, he will love you too. Start out by exercising 3 times a week. Try to 30 Day Shred from Jillian Michaels. It’s great and you will get results even if you only do it three days a week instead of every day. Start tracking every calorie you put in your mouth using my fitness pal; I was surprised when I learned how many calories I was actually eating every day. I started measuring out foods and I even started eating one vegetarian meal per day which makes me feel better.
But honestly it sounds like the weight you might need to lose is your FI. He spends all of his time on his computer and doesn’t give you the time or attention you need to feel loved. You wouldn’t care about him not complimenting you if he was spending quality time with you showing you that he loves you in other ways. I know you’ve been together for 6 years and you started dating in high school, but really, why exactly are you marrying this guy? The problems you have now with him are most likely going to get worse in another 5-10 years so what makes him so amazing that you want to spend those years being miserable and feeling unloved?
Post # 12
@Sassygrn: He’s not following the counselor’s homework.
If a woman tells her significant other that she’d like to be complimented more often, and their premarital counselor tells that significant other to compliment her once a day on something and he doesn’t do it, he’s a tool.
Post # 13
As someone who also has very low self esteem I know how hard a battle this is. I know that this sounds like glib advice, but in all honesty you have to start loving you. Personally I found that dancing has been great for me – I get a fantastic feeling of being in tune with my body – wobbles and all. I know that people recommend one type of exercise or another, but I think the key is to find something that made you feel strong and confident, and that you love doing. It might be zumba, boxing, hiking, weight training, yoga, tai chi or tap dancing or any number of things. But I really think that it is important that you do it for yourself, and because you enjoy it. I can’t really give you any advice on the relationship, but I do think that you need to find things you enjoy that make you feel good. I think that glow from loving yourself will show to others.
Lots of love and support!
Post # 14
I know I need to get healthy, I’ve been long aware of that. I also know it falls on me, but my fiance doesn’t make it easy. All he eats is junk food and hes far from active. I used to ask to go on bike rides almost daily with him and just gave up because he never wanted to go. I started to just work on it myself and I’m down almost 10 lbs.
I think a lot of people took this as me wanting him to compliment me 24/7, but thats not the case at all. If he was affectionate towards me I wouldn’t care one bit if he ever complimented me. I’ve talked to him about it, and I’ve also talked to him about spending so much time on the computer. Nothing seems to get through to him.
& My fiance does have issues he needs to work on, as do I; but he’s also kind, a hard worker, trust-worthy, and can make me laugh. I know he loves me, I just think my weigh gain and self confidence has been hard on both of us. It’s not all bad though, I don’t want it to seem like I’m in a miserable relationship because that’s far from true!
Post # 15
As some people have already said, some men just aren’t big complimenters! Especially on looks. My SO will tell me I look pretty or something every once in awhile and usually only if I’m wearing something new or “sexy” or whatever. It doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t say nice things about how I look more often, because that’s just how he is. I also am fairly confident in how I look, so I understand how that could be a bigger deal for someone who has self-confidence issues.
As everyone has already said, make sure you let him know how you feel. But, don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t tell you that you’re beautiful all the time – that may just not be him. If you believe your relationship is strong and you know that you both love each other, he shouldn’t have to say it. I know that my SO thinks I’m beautiful, so I don’t need the constant reminders.
Most importnatly, YOU need to think you’re beautiful! I have never had weight issues, but I do HATE to exercise. I think running or biking is just boring. It’s repetitive and exhausting and not fun for me. But, I want to stay healthy, so I really had to try and find something I enjoyed. For me, I’ve found pilates and yoga (any exercise class, really) to be the perfect fit. Not only is it incredibly motivating to work out with other people, but I like how these classes are always a little different, and thus, never get boring. I never thought I would like exercise, but I’m hooked!
Another suggestion might be working out together. My SO and I like to swim, so during the summer, we do laps together in the morning. Not only is it great exercise for both of us, but it gives us something to do together (and be a little competitive with each other). We’ve also run a few 5Ks together which has been A LOT more fun than running on my own!