Post # 1
Hey everyone. I’m a longtime poster but going undercover for confidentiality sorry…
So. I have no sex drive basically. I’m not on hormonal birth control so that isn’t why.
But my FI, although he doesn’t have a crazy sex drive or anything, wants to have sex, or at least get BJs, more frequently (like once a month instead of once every few months). But I just don’t get in the mood. After I turned him down last night (and Im on my period!!) he said that if we don’t start being intimate he can’t marry me. And I understand that he doesn’t want to never have sex. I don’t know what to do!! Help!!!
ETA: I am also on antidepressants (Prozac & Wellbutrin) and have been for years – added the Wellbutrin a year ago to see if it would help with my sex drive if it was from the Prozac but it didn’t have that effect.
Post # 3
You should probably go to your doctor and get checked out. It could be a problem with your hormones or minerals or something like that which is fairly easy to fix.
Post # 4
@AnonymousSorryAnonymous: Try Maca root, its a vitamin supplement. I have never tried it but I do have it in my cabinet. I have also heard of Horney Goat Weed, more expensive but have heard it works wonders.
Just some ideas 🙂
Also, the more you do it, the more enjoyable it becomes…at least thats how it is in our case.
I wish you the best hun!!!! It’s not an easy thing to go through, I know!
Also, I agree with the PP. You may want to get it checked out 🙂
Post # 5
Hi – I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’m glad he’s saying something to you now instead of doing something cowardly like cheating. It is important you get on the same page address this issue before you get married to ensure you are properly compatible.
First off – have you talked to your doctor about this? Perhaps s/he can recommend something?
Second – just do it. I know it seems kind of backwards to just get into it if you aren’t feeling like it. Often if I get out of the the swing of things then it’s hard to get into it. If you just force yourself to get into it and do it regularly, you’ll probably find that you like it. To me, it’s sort of like going to the gym. I hate dragging myself there…but once I get into my work out, it’s kind of nice and I enjoy it.
If you absolutely cannot stand sex and won’t just do it, then you should find someone with whom you are more compatible.
Post # 6
It is from the antidepressants. I am also on them, Im no t sure what advice to give you though because antidepressants are helping you.
I usually give lots of BJs and other stuff instead. I am also terrified of getting preggo again. We have 2 kids now so that doesnt help either lol
Post # 7
It’s almost definitely your anti-depressants. Go talk to your doctor about changing up your prescriptions. And have a conversation with your fiance about how you know this is effecting your future and you’re taking steps to correct it, but you need him to be supportive of the fact that this isn’t you reacting against him.
Post # 8
@AnonymousSorryAnonymous: Yikes! As someone on the other side of the spectrum, I can say it’s very frustrating and at time hurtful to feel unwanted by someone you love, so I can relate to your FI here….but that’s not to say any of this is anyone’s fault….I recommend having a doctor take a look at you to see if there is an inbalance or other situation causing problems…but if that turns up zilch you might want to read, The Sex Starved Marriage, both of you, so that you can understand each other’s plight and start doing something to fix this other than waiting until things go South between the sheets to fight about it.
I look at it this way, if the faucet was leaking you’d replace it, if your car broke down you would take it to a mechanic, if your lost your job you would find another…no one ever feels like doing any of those things either, but you do it, because that’s what you do…sometimes you have to tackle problems that are less than fun to deal with head on, the personal and intimate nature of this one is no excuse, and all awkwardness aside, there’s harder challenges in a relationship than mismatched sex drives…
It’ll work out!
Post # 9
@Nona99 buying the Sex starved marriage for Kindle now!
Post # 10
@AnonymousSorryAnonymous: I didn’t realize you were on antideps, you could always talk to your doctor to see if they can possibly switch some things around or add something that may help!
Post # 12
Honestly, just do it. It will be easier to get in the mood once you start doing it. Sex is a very important part of a happy marriage. If you abosultely hate sex then you should not marry this man. Going to couples sex therapy might also be helpful.
Post # 13
I’m an odd case where I similarly have little to no sex drive, but I’m only up for it when I’m already doing it! you could “just do it” 😛
Post # 14
I’m just getting really depressed and its not something I can really talk to friends/family about ugh.
Post # 15
@AnonymousSorryAnonymous: I totally get it. When I first got with FI the sex was great! Then we had our first baby… I got depressed and never really got out of it. We started doing it less, etc etc. I gained a bunch of weight, had another baby, really started disliking myself and then went on antidepressants.
For me, the meds are working for all other areas of our life, which was affecting the relationship. It just hasnt fixed the sex part yet. I know that it is me, because we did have a good sex life. Its not like he just doesnt do it for me, or I never did like it.
Do you think maybe that is the problem? Are you having self esteem issues? Do you feel sexy? All those things affect your sexual relationship with him.
You need to try to make YOU happy, before you can make him happy. I know how hard it is, trust me. But you need to talk to him, and tell him this is why I dont like it, and this is why. Be honest, and tell him exactly why. Then think of things that will make you happy.
Post # 16
I agree with the sentiments of most pps, but I want to reiterate how little work a bj can be for a massive reward (happy, satisfied man).
They’re my go-to when I don’t feel like hitting the sheets- and they don’t require a ton of arousal on my part. Just 15-20 minutes of earnest effort, lol!
Best of luck to you!