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I think most people can probably see that she's acting a bit crazy... so they'll discount a lot of what she says.
In the meantime, can your brother do something here?
This is a really tough one. I think that it maybe hard, but ignore the FB stuff. I would also talk to your FMIL see if she has any ideas on how to improve your relationship with her. Also, reply back to her email about the hair and makeup. Say that you are sorry for any misunderstanding, but you were including the prices so they could decide if they wanted to pay for the services themselves.
If you do reply to the emails, you probably should strip her out of the distribution list... or you could reply to each person separately.
I'll bet everyone in your party already knows your SIL is being ridiculous judging by her actions thus far. If you're still concerned, I would just talk to each of your bridesmaids individually and let them know the sitatuation with her.
I agree with Mr. Bee, can't your brother say something to her? There's no reason for her to be acting like that.
Thats just crazy! No one should be posting on their facebook about you! Although I would def want to kick her butt out of the wedding...it's prob not the best idea since she will be family! I think its extremely rude she is not going to participate in your bacherlete party and bridal shower! HOW RUDE can you be?! I would say just kill her wit kindness. This way you still look like the bigger person and it makes her look even worse! What a party pooper! I wish diareah upon her! :)
I agree with the above posters. If your SIL is being ridiculous and you do not feel like you can properly address the situation...talk to your brother. And, as Blueshoes mentioned, if you are worried about how your other BMs are viewing her actions, discuss the situation with your bridesmaids individually -- they are your closet friends after all. They will understand.
As for your SIL not coming to your bridal shower and bachelorette party, it may not be such a bad thing. On the one hand, it sucks she isn't helping your other BMs with the work/cost, however, she will not be there to make a scene.
If there is nothing to be done about her behavior, I would just be the bigger person and let her remain in the wedding party. I see above that your wedding is only a few months away. It is probably worth it just to keep the peace/not give her any more ammo to use against you for the remainder of your relationship.
Sorry lady! I wish you didn't have to deal with this. :(
Honestly, I know ignoring the facebook stuff is probably best, but I would be really really tempted to post something calm and reasonable like "SIL, you know I never asked you to do anything of the sort. If you have a concern about the dresses please call me and we can discuss it like adults." I have NEVER understood why people think it's ok to post bad things about their friends on facebook. Someone needs to start pointing out how inappropriate this behavior is to teach these people how to act. ugh. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Just ignore her and roll your eyes. I know it sucks, but kicking her out will only cause family discord and make her increase the drama. After the wedding just be coldly civil to her and never ask her to do anything for you again.
I agree with Mr Bee sort of- Although it is very unfair and frustrating, others probably pick up on this behavior and it makes her look bad. There is a girl who is coming to our wedding who just trash talks everything she is jealous of. And I went to a wedding this summer, she happened to be there, being very rude and complaining all day. FI just told me, if she does that at our wedding, everyone is gonna just roll their eyes because they all know how she is.
It still isnt fair that you have to put up with that behavior. have you talked to your bro about it? It so unfair, Im sorry :(
I think your brother needs to have a serious conversation with his wife. Regardless of her feelings about the wedding she did/did not have, she has no business spreading lies about her FAMILY...especially not on FB. If she doesn't want to be a BM...she should be woman enough to come out and say it and not try to stress you out as much as she possibly can. If she doesn't want to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party, good fer her....that's two events you don't have to worry about dealing with her negativity. I wouldn't kick her out of the bridal party but I also wouldn't dignify her antics with a response, other than speaking to your brother. Have a meeting with the BMs that actually support you and go over all the things you need to...then send her a separate e-mail. That way...replying to all and stirring up drama won't be an option for her.
Wow, she sounds like a handful! I agree with Mr.Bee - crazy people like that are obvious and no one in their right mind takes them seriously. Even if she's the type to appear nice and sane at first, in the end they will know her for who she is and discount all her lies.
My biggest advice is to tell close family about how you feel and get their opinion. This way if she acts all abused, people will already know the truth.
Thank you everyone for your advice (and humor, Miss Bella)! I feel better about everything and will stick to focusing on being the bigger person and killing her with kindness!
Yuck, this sounds like a mess. I'm really sorry.
I agree with everyone about talking to your brother and your bridesmaids about the situation. My one bit of advice is to not do any of this over email, especially if any of your bridesmaids are also friends with her. I think everyone involved will agree that she's being really irrational, but if she ever sees an email in which you talk about her (whether it's to her husband, or one of the bridesmaids) I think you'll never hear the end of it. I can just imagine what she'd post on Facebook then! Of course the odds of anyone passing an email on to her might be low, but you never know. Or she might sneak into your brother's email. If you call people, or talk to them in person, at least your words (which she could completely misinterpret or manipulate or selectively edit) won't wind up posted on her Facebook page!
Good luck, whatever you end up doing!
mtkripsmc, I totally feel for you!!!
i have fsil issues too and they're totally a mess. you don't want to encourage drama because it will just come back to you and be a headache when you already have enough things to be worried about but who the H does this chick think she is sometimes? i totally get it.
i would try to swallow all of the snarkiness and literally just pretend like you don't even notice it. don't say anything more to your brother or your fam, just talk to like your best friend about it so you can vent (or do it on here and we'll validate you), but don't even show that you notice anything.
maybe i'm really manipulative, but there's no better way to piss someone off than show her she's not even on your radar.
good luck!
so...update:
It is now a month before my wedding. Since my last post, my bachelorette party/bridal shower has come and gone with not one word from my SIL. OK--I can deal with it.
When I told my brother what was going on he said-well maybe she is upset because our kids aren't invited to the reception. (?!?!?!) She told my bro that lie when in fact they are invited--I mean my niece is the flower girl! She told my bro that she was "going to go ballistic if she saw another kid at the wedding". Of course there will other kids at the wedding--I have a 9 year old son! My SIL was the one who invited her parents (my brother's in-laws) to my cocktail hour so that they could take the kids home with them after intros so she and my brother could party and have a good time the rest of the night. This was proposed to me by her within a few days of me getting engaged. I was okay with that arrangement at the time. I clarified the situation with my brother --his kids definitely are invited --and told him to contact me directly if he heard anything else that didn't quite jibe.
However, the latest and greatest is that she filled out the rsvp card illegibly--we had to narrow it down and finally interpreted it to say my bro's first initial and his last name--mispelled. (with no mention of her or the kiddies). I scanned it and sent it to my bro last night to ask if that was his rsvp. He said his wife had filled it out and sealed it and gave it to him to mail a few days ago so it must be (postmark also matched). I said does that mean you are the only one coming? Because that is how I interpreted it. He emailed me back a few hours later to say they all would be attending. Oh to be a fly on the wall.
The thing is, I am past my breaking point. I can't sleep and the physical stress is literally a huge weight on my chest. This passive aggressive behavior is absolutey driving me insane and she is accomplishing what she has intended I suppose. I want her no where near me the day of the wedding. I am stressed enough without having to worry that she is going to do something crazy.
I want her out of the bridal party. At this point I don't even want her at the wedding. My fiance and I have a feeling that she will make up an excuse at the last minute and won't be attending anyway. I believe there is a friend of mine who would be willing to take her place. (If I don't replace her, my bro will be a groomsmen without a bridesmaid and will draw more attention to the fact that she is not there, therefore she is still getting attention the day of my wedding!)
I mean isn't the bridal party supposed to be made up of people who love and support you? Is it still a matter of being the bigger person here? Please let me know your thoughts.
OH no! I am so sorry and I thought mine was bad at least it is just internal and she isn't posting or e-mailing to others (that I know of but hey ignorance is bliss). Maybe if she stops getting attention about it she will stop?! Maybe other than that I am not good with handling girl drama, so I will send a (((HUG))) and cross my fingers for you!
Oh man, that really really stinks; I am so sorry to hear about her antics! Seriously, if she didn't want to be a part of the BP, she should have just said so...or just sucked it up and got through it, so to say! I don't have much advice to give, but I'd just try to ignore her as best you can during the wedding day (if she shows up)...don't let her get the satisfaction of seeing you flustered!
That's crazy! Why would she lie about the kids not being invited!? I'm not sure what to tell you about her being in the wedding party- but whatever you do I think your top priority needs to be to minimize the drama. Kicking her out is likely to have wider ramifications, she probably won't let her daughter be flower girl and she's likely to talk trash about you for the rest of your life. But I can totally understand why you don't want her around, she sounds like a nut job! I do think it would be a little strange to disinvite your own brother (and the two of them are a package deal, even if just by the way you describe her, she would never let him go by himself) especially after you've going to all this work to clarify their invitation and RSVP. Could you maybe have a long talk with him about keeping her under control for the next month? Make sure he has every bit of information and will be on your side if she starts spreading lies?
I'm sorry I have absolutely no advice. This is such a crazy situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
That's terrible. I am so sorry she is putting you through this. I do kinda hope for your sake that she stays home that day; I think you will enjoy the getting ready more without her. You could certainly have the friend ready to stand in, or send one bridesmaid down with two groomsmen. I saw that at a wedding in January and everyone was good-naturedly teasing the bridesmaid about having a man on each arm.
BTW, we're date twins! Happy one-month mark. I hope other aspects of the planning are going better for you.
Wow, I am so sorry you have to deal with this! I have a lot of first hand experience with selfish/thoughtless/immature/psychotic family. Unfortunately you can't control her, and believe me- she'd love for you to try. I will say this though, you and your future hubby need to have a united front in dealing with her, it's not just your battle. I understand what everyone is saying about making a bigger scene by kicking her out, but as long as you understand the ramifications (your bro may not speak to you, not sure what the relationship is like between the 2 of you) I say go with the nuclear option. How you handle her now -as a couple- sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. What happens when you have kids? Will she manipulate and lie to them? Put your foot down. Be honest, but don't get into a yelling match, (as much as I'm sure you'd love to). Contracts work surprisingly well- if she agrees to stop said behavior, she gets to stay, if not, she goes.
i.e. "your antics have been stressing us out, please know that I just can't handle anymore. If you continue to act out, will ask you not to be in my wedding party. I'm not sure what all is going on with you, but I need you to step up and be my bridesmaid, and support me and FH right now. If you can't do that, please let me know." It might be blunt, but it beats having your wedding day memories be ones of her making you cry hysterically in the bathroom b/c she's an inconsiderate nut.
Wow you're smart. Scanning the RSVP so your brother could see it with his own eyes. smart smart. :) I think you're handling yourself really well thus far - you're doing everything right. Personally I wouldn't kick her out of the wedding party - I would just limit her responsibilities, participation to "come to the pictures and the ceremony". If she doesn't show up - well she doesn't show up. Is it super important to you that there be equal number on each side? If so, then maybe you do want to replace her.
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My brother's wife has called me a Bridezilla and posted it to her facebook status. She also posted on facebook that I asked her to get a breast reduction so she could fit into her dress (I promise I did no such thing). She twists my emails to make me look bad (ie: I asked the bridesmaids if they were interested in getting hair and makeup done and included the cost but she responded to all and said it was so generous of me to pay for everyone to get their hair and makeup done!) She has informed us she is not coming to my bachelorette party/bridal shower (and therefore not helping to pay for anything). She is causing me a lot of stress. Obviously I am questioning her status as a member of the bridal party. But my fiance and my MOH insist it will make matters worse because she is family and there will be long term consequences. Plus we think she may be doing this so that I do kick her out and she can spin it to make me look bad for kicking her out of the wedding. I personally think she is doing this (consciously/subconsciously?) because she has made it known in the past that she did not get the wedding she wanted. I am trying to be the bigger person here but it is getting really difficult. HELP?