Post # 1
So I asked my brother and sister to stand up in my July 2011 wedding; mostly because my mother almost demanded that I do so. My mother hates the fact that I don’t want my siblings in my wedding. I am so disgusted with their actions, and so is my FI. My sister has a 4 year old daughter, who I love dearly, but she does not take care of her. My mom is raising my niece and has been for her entire life. My sister got out of prison for identity theft; this is how she was supportng her heroin addiction. My brother is a major pot-head and he drinks a lot. He has terrible friends and makes bad decisions. They are both living with my grandfather and free-loading off him. They don’t work and use him for everything.
I really want to kick them both out of the wedding. They really embarass me; everything they do is childish. My MOH is my aunt, who I love dearly and is closer to me than my sister will ever be. My brother is only in the wedding to stand up with my sister; I don’t want to subject anyone else to her. I feel bad for my mother because she is the one that will have to buy everything they need to stand up in the wedding; she doesn’t have any money, she is raising her grand-daughter. BUT: they are my siblings and they are the only ones I have.
What would you do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2011 - Laurel Rock Farms, PA
Wow you def have hard decison to make. Personally I would take them out because they might ruin YOUR day. I would explain to your mother that you do not think its fair to have someone in the wedding that they dont care for you or about you. We have two friends a male and female that we walways wanted in our wedding but they needed to get their act together b4 we wanted them in our wedding. They are invited to our wedding but we cant take the chance of them messing something up for us. I also have a few family memebers that are free-loaders and i could care less if they come to our wedding because Im nothing like that and look down on them. I feel if they want to be apart of the wedding then they need to act like it and step up. Otherwise your mother will get over it… good luck and merry christmas
Post # 4
That’s a really difficult situation and I am so sorry you are having to make such a tough choice.
In my opinion, your wedding party should be a group of people that you feel support and love you. They should be a group of people that help make the wedding day less stressful and not more stressful. My mom tried to bully me into using my brother in my wedding party, but he also has a history of drug use, irresponsibility and unpredictability. It makes me sad and feel a tinge guilty, but I’m uneasy about him holding one of those positions. I don’t think you should feel obligated to include them in your wedding party just because they are your siblings.
All the best…and happy holidays!
Post # 5
It’s sad, but I vote “out.” Unfortunately, people who are dealing with addictions can be pretty unreliable. When my sister got married, the best man (who was struggling with an addiction) went missing on the day of. It caused a lot of stress and worry for everyone involved.
Post # 6
What a tough situation. I know your mom wants you to include them but I voted to take them out of the wedding. Your mom might be upset, but maybe you can explain why you made that decision. My biggest fear is that they may not act appropriately, and your wedding is not the day for that type of behaviour.
Post # 7
Personally I dont understand why people include someone in their wedding party “just because they are family” Your wedding attendants should be reliable and dependable, regardless of how they are related to you. Personally I would not include them, or give them a small role to play.
Post # 8
Personally I think that whether or not your siblings are in your wedding party is the least of your mother’s concerns with them. They need serious help, and being in a wedding will not make one bit of difference to their lifestyles.
Take them out!
Post # 9
I have the same problem, unfortunately. A while back, my BF asked if I would want him to have my brother stand up with him. He said that he’s a really strong believer in the idea that family should be in the wedding party, but he also understands that my case is a little bit different. I told him no, my brother shouldn’t be up there. They haven’t even seen each other in six years, and my brother isn’t dependable enough for us to know that he’d show up.
My solution: make him an usher. It still honors him, but he has MUCH less responsibility. Since he won’t be the only one, if/when he doesn’t show up or shows up drugged out of his mind, the other guys will be able to step in and perform his duties. You could do the same with your brother, and you could ask your sister to mind the guestbook or do a reading (though make sure someone else is prepared as backup) or something.
Post # 10
Out of the wedding.
But if I may address the general relationship – you said they embaress you and act childishly. You also said they are your only siblings. Please continue to love them and give them chances. A little over a week ago, my sister-in-law’s 21 year old cousin was arrested for possessing over $30,000 of drugs. He committed suicide shortly therafter. Needless to say, her entire family is devastated. I don’t mean to depress you, just to say please let them know that while you don’t approve of their choices, you will always be there for them. If you decide no on the wedding (or no on other activities) please communicate it carefully.
Post # 11
@GreenEyedMoon: What’s wrong with her sister also being an usher? I’m having female ushers in my wedding and so did my mother (in the 70’s)!
Post # 12
@Oribel013690: That would also be a possibility, yes.
Post # 13
I think your mom probably feel sguilt and shame over how your siblings turned out and wants them included as a way to make up or mask what has happened. Don’t let her baggage cloud your day. It sounds like they would be a disaster. Ever seen the Sandra Bullock movie 28 days? Don’t let your wedding end up like that!
Post # 14
OUT! lol i just took the poll, looks like everyone agrees. Maybe you can have them sitting in the front but not be in the wedding? This way, they get special treatment but you don’t get needle scars in your wedding pictures! too harsh?
Post # 15
You should probably sit down and talk with your mom. Let her know, that although you love your brother and sister, you don’t want them in your wedding party because you are really not that close with them. If she is upset by this, those will be her feelings to deal with. Try not to let her guilt you too much, I think you are making the right decision.
Post # 16
unfortanley, i’m dealing with this with DH. he has two half-brothers who were into drugs and in gangs in the past, and one of his half brothers is being his best man. (the other one noone could contact prob. b/c he’s too high) I’m not too happy about it, but it’s brother, so what can i do? I’m really uneasy about it b/c we’re having the wedding ON base, and we have to sign him on base since he’s not military (like with everyone who’s not military), but i hope it’ll go ok, he’s bringing one his daughters (he’s got 3 by 3different moms apperently but doesn’t even have a high school diploma to support them on). i’m a little scared since WE will be responsible for everyone’s actions on base…but i think everything will be ok on the wedding day. let’s hope so…i know how you feel though. i am sorry you are going through this. if you’re not comfortable having them in your wedding, then don’t have them in your wedding, simple as that.