Post # 1
Ok so I just have to get this off my chest.
I feel like an asshole. I’ve been engaged for a year and a half and have about another year and a half until the wedding. This was the best choice for FI and I, we are going to be so much better off because we are having a long engagement. I knew when we decided to wait three years to get married a lot of people would end up married before us. I thought I had accepted that fact. Well it seems to sting a little more each time I learn that someone I know is engaged and will be married before us. It’s not that I’m not happy for them; I just want my turn already 🙁 It sucks watching everyone else get what I want knowing I still have a year and a half to wait.
Well the biggest sting has come this weekend; actually it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach. My sister’s boyfriend went and bought an engagement ring for her and asked my dad for his blessing. I expect he’ll propose in the next few weeks and they will for sure be married by the end of the year, maybe even by September. She has always wanted a super short engagement so I know not to even let it cross my mind that she would wait until after our wedding, and she shouldn’t. We are doing what is best for us and they should do what is best for them which means a quick engagement. It’s just going to be hard putting my wedding on the back burner to help her plan hers. It also makes it harder because she is not into weddings and is no rush to be married but she is still getting all that while I continue to sit here and wait for my marriage to start.
I feel so bad for feeling this way; I’m so excited and happy for her. I will be there to help her every step of the way while she plans her wedding because she is going to need a lot of help since she lives in another state. I’ve already started researching venues and wedding dresses for her. I will throw her the best bridal shower and bachelorette party possible and be a kick ass MOH, I love her so much and I want to make this experience great for her. But I’m afraid these feelings of jealousy and resentment are always going to be at the back of my mind. I will never tell her how I feel; although I’m sure she will assume I have these feelings because she knows me so well. It’s not even that she is stealing my thunder or I wanted to be first, I’m just mad because she is getting what I want and this just makes my wedding seem farther away.
I know ultimately getting over all this is going to come down to me accepting all this but have any of you been through something like this. How did you get passed these selfish feelings?
Post # 3
@alyssaC: If it makes you feel better I think you’re doing the right thing!!! I hate it when that happens too, but like you, I’d never say anything to them and be nothing but supportive of them! That is what the bee is for I think, venting here so you can be the supportive person you need to be/should be in person! Long engagements are tough, trust me, I wanted a short one but we’ll have been engaged for something like 20 months at the time of the wedding (had to push the date back, venue issues, long story) and with a lot of friends getting married it really does feel awful! The best advice I have is to drink a glass of wine and browse wedding blogs every time you feel this way 🙂 (just don’t overdo the wine haha)!
Post # 4
I’m sorry, that does sort of suck. BUT there are so many silver linnings to this!
- She will have gathered most of the addresses that you need – job done!
- You will be able to see what does and does not work at a wedding that actually envolves most of your guests – therefore making your wedding smoother
- Everyone gets to look forward to your wedding, anticipation is often better than the actual thing – enjoy the slow build up to your big day
- You don’t have the stress of a super short engagement
- You will be a kick-ass MOH which will show her everything SHE needs to know for being an awesome MOH
- She can act as your “trial” for a lot of vendors, should you be thinking of hiring the same people
- She is getting married with a good amount of time between your weddings, it could be worse, it could be much closer and therefore more stressful
- Yay wedding!
It’s still ok to be a bit sad though.
Post # 5
@alyssaC: Oh, sweetie! I could’ve written this post myself! FI and I have been engaged for 5 years by the time of the wedding (this August) and in that time, his cousin has gotten engaged and married…..and then our friends had their wedding last year. It is so hard to watch others get married while your still waiting.
His cousin is only 23 and she already has an amazing job, a baby, a house, and a dog…..and they got all this within the FIRST year of being married!! I love her to death (she was in BM running) but I am soooooo envious!!!
Like you, we were waiting for it to be convenient for us to get married and for FI to finish his Bachelors this May. We know our decision is right for us but I totally feel you on this!
Post # 6
Can I ask why you are having such a long engagement if you just want to start your marriage already? all it takes is a visit to a court house if it really hurts that much not to be married yet. 3 years is a long time for anything imo, you can’t honestly expect your wedding (or your anything for that matter) to be on the forefront of everyone’s mind for 3 whole years. It’s great that you plan to keep these feelings to yourself and support her, like you said, you made the best decision for your self. Your day will come.
Post # 7
I’m having a long engagement (2 years) for logistical reasons and to minimize stress. I definitely have the feeling of “I just want to be married already!” – but I also want the wedding that I’ve planning out in my head. The long engagement is the trade off to be able to have my cake and eat it too, but the decision was made with clarity of mind. My best friend got engaged and married in 2 months, and I didn’t feel the least bit resentful because I’m happy with my decision.
OP, if you’re dying to be married, then go do it! Your sister’s impeding nuptials make just be giving you some perspective about what you really want.
Post # 8
@roguehnp2005: Thanks, yeah I always ask FI “Why are we doing what is smart? Can you remind me?” His reply “Becuase it’s smart… duh!” O how I love him. Yeah it’s all about convience for us, we are waiting until a year after I graduate so I can have a year of working and saving my paychecks while I live at home. My sister is a year older than me so she will be out of school for a year when she gets married, and even though older siblings usually get married first its always been up in the air on who would get married first because we are just a year apart and I am a suzy home-maker who wants to be a wife and mother, where she is the one who is much more interested in her career. I guess I just secretly hoped her and her boyfriend would keep putting marriage on the back burner for another year or so lol. Who knows what lit his fire haha. But like I said I’m very happy for her and I am super excited for her phone call to tell us he did it because she really has no clue that it is coming at all, it’ll be a huge surprise for her 🙂
@Everdeen: Thank you!!!! I love your list, they are all great points!
Post # 9
Omg are you my twin? The SAME THING is happening to me right now. FI’s brother just got engaged in December and they are getting married this November. And the bride wants me to be a bridesmaid and considers us like sisters already and urg. It’s annoying because after they got engaged it’s like everyone just forgot about FI and I just because we are having a long engagement.
I don’t have helpful advice but it’s nice to know there are other people out there feeling similar to what I’m feeling! I think it is just going to suck, plain and simple. :
Post # 10
@alyssaC: I understand. It took us over two years to settle on a date because I got serious anxiety any time I thought about planning. (Note – I love my FI and it’s not that I am doubting if we should get married. There’s something about wedding planning that just pushes me over the edge.) We’ve had a number of friends get engaged and married before us. It feels weird, especially when they keep asking us about our wedding. It’s ok to be upset about it. You’re doing the best thing by powering through it and remembering you’ll have your day! I haven’t found a way to not feel a little upset about it. I just wait for it to go away.
Post # 11
@alyssaC: I havent encountered anything similar.
I just wanted to comment and say that you are have such an amazing and positive mindset, and are handling this in such a graceful and mature way.
It really sucks that this happened, I would be upset too. Hugs to you, and know that you will have your moment in the sun also, you just have to wait a bit longer
Post # 12
@pinkshoes: Well I’m still in school and we originally planned to get married this summer, right after graduation, so it was supposed to be a two year engagement. But then sitting down looking at expenses we realised we would be living paycheck to paycheck, and we didn’t like that idea at all. So we were conflicted, then my parents offered to let me live at home for a year after graduation with no rent and his mom would be happy if he lived with her for the rest of her life. So we decided that even though it would be hard, the money we will save during that year will help us start married life in a much better financial place. So we pushed everything back a year.
Post # 13
That makes a lot of sense. You guys are young, there’s no need to rush it and you’ll be so much better of after a year if saving… but you knew that already. Hey, at least it’s only a year. A friend of mine and his then gf had to live at their parents home for 3 years to save upevery cent they could to be able to ever afford to get married and buy a house in this ridiculous housing market. I didn’t meet my husband until my late 20s and was living at home saving money. (It’s part of our culture that kids just stay home pretty much until married). But damn, the financial freedom it has afforded us is amazing. It’s worth it for just a year, you’ll be happy with you choice once that year is up, and it’ll fly by.
Post # 14
@mrswestcoast: Thank you 🙂 I was so afraid this post would back fire on me but I’m glad you all can see that I am trying to do the right thing. Even though I may not have the best thoughts about all this right now I know I could never even think about bringing a grey cloud over anyone’s engagement, especially my sister’s because her happiness is so important to me.
Post # 15
You’re a year younger…live your life.
I met my FI, was engaged and will be married in a total of 20 months, we’re both almost 30. For brother 2 it’s about the same timeframe, they were both 25. For brother 1 he dated for 5+ years, had a 1.5 year engagment, broke the engament, then was married 3months later, they were both 25. My FI’s sister met her hub when she was 15, they got engaged around 21 and married at 24….
…you know what? it’s about the marriage. My FI and I know that our marriage will be strong and this is the time we need. Your sister knows whats best for her. Don’t begrudge her that. You know what’s best for you.
Post # 16
I’m not going to pretend to understand how having two happy events close together bothers some people, but I’m glad you’re trying to not let your feelings affect your sister.