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I can semi-relate. My twin sister got engaged within weeks of the break up of my ex and I. I was sad and depressed because I had to begin more wedding planning when mine had just been cancelled.
Have you told her how you feel? I know when my Sis got married we were still so much a part of each others lives it hurt to know that she wasn't going to be there as often. Do you think she might be partially worried about you not being around for support once you get married?
I don't know if it's normal, but I think you should have a really nice talk with her, if you haven't already.
I don't have any sisters so I'm not sure what normal sister behavior is. The only suggestion I can give you is to try to spend some one-on-one time with her so she knows your relationship is not going to change once you are married. I would also talk to her about seeing her doctor and/or a counselor in regards to her depression. Chances are if she's depressed, it's not completely related to you getting married. There may be other issues she needs to deal with.
(((Hugs))) Sorry you're going through this!
Thanks for the replies. I've talked to her about this many times actually. We are always open and converse about this, I try to give her strength and make her see the wonderful person she is, that she is worthy of love too and that she should be positive and hopeful about it. For a while, it seems to help, then she relapses again. I know the issue is partially about me kind of moving away from her emotionally and building my own family with my future husband (my sister and I have been living in two different countries for the last 8 years so it's not a matter of physical distance anymore).
My mom and I've tried to convince her to see a counselor in the past and she did, but she doesn't think it is helpful. I am hoping that through our efforts, (and hers), she somehow will be able to pull herself out of this situation.
I don't have a twin sister but my older sister isn't really there for me in all of this. She isn't married, never has been, has two kids from two diff fathers etc. I went the other path and thus I've had a life that she's I guess jealous of. I showed her a picture of my dress, not once did she say it was pretty or anything, she just carried on about her friends daughter who is getting married and how unbelievably beautiful her dress is. For me, I just learned to not even share any kind of exciting info with her because she could care less. It sucks and I totally feel for you on it. Don't let her issues bring you down.
I don't have a sister either, but I'm sorry you're going through this! If I were her I think I'd be excited that she gets to help you plan everything and by the time her time comes you'll be a wedding pro to help her! It sucks for you because you have to deal with her sadness during your wedding time while you'll be happy for her during hers. :( Hopefully she snaps out of it soon.
I have a younger sister that I am very close to and she is going through a similar thing even if it is not the same. She and her boyfriend of two years just broke up. I think she is truly scared that is she going to lose me. She called me today about a problem and thanked me profusely for taking her call. What? Of course I'll take your call anytime. You are my sister! And she has never done that before. I just try to be there as much as possible. I am hoping as she gets use to it things will become better.
I have a twin sister. In all of the relationships we've had, we have always looked out for one another, and definitely are each others' toughest critic and biggest support. I have other twin friends who have experienced the same thing. It is tough for one to move on, "away" from the other sister who had previously been #1 in your life for your whole lives (I know I am making generalizations about twin sisters, but for all the twins I know, this is the way it is). My twin was initially hesitant about my engagement, but now she's happy about it. There's nothing you can really do but continue to support your sister. Sometimes it is a slow process for them to come around. I'd also say to involve her as much as possible and get her to become friends with your fiance (if she isn't already).
Good luck! I'm sure everything will work out for you and your sister.
it is really normal! Especially since you are twins. She is probably sad because she wants to get married too, but isn't. It has to be really hard to see you get to go through it all. My oldest sister is sad about me too. She has been with her BF way longer that I have, and she is 8 years older. She is so super happy for me, and is helping us plan everything, but she is also sad because she wants to do it too.
I can't say that I have been through this at all (I don't have a sister), but I definitely think that if you can convince her to go back to counseling, it would help her greatly. I think you're a wonderful sister who is truly looking out for her, but it's sad to me that you're feeling so guilty during a time which you should be the most happy. Do your best to assure her that she will find the right one soon, and that you aren't leaving her side because you're getting married. You'll still be around and be able to talk about anything and everything. Still, she sounds quite depressed, and I think she needs someone to talk to other than you.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!
My twin sis has also lived in another country or state for the last 3 years but we're really close (I just had to upgrade my minutes because we talk so much on the phone, actually ^_^). She's also had a few bummed moments, I think, because she's said that once I get married it's not going to be us against the world anymore. She wasn't hesitant about our engagement, because she really likes my FI, but I hope she doesn't feel like my getting married will negate our closeness.
I think what's helping us is that I've told both her and Mr Spin that they're both going to be my #1s, but in different ways. When Mr Spin and I started dating, I flat out told him that it's kind of a "love me, love my sister" thing. My twin sis really is like my other half and getting married doesn't really change that for me. To me it's important to keep our future plans and goals alive, even though I'm getting married. My sister and I are still going to go on a vacay to Prague, just the 2 of us, like we've always planned, no boys allowed. ^_^
Also, and I know this may not work in your situation, my sister is taking a stretch of vacation time before the wedding so that she and I can have quality bonding time before I'm shackled to the ol' ball and chain (kidding ^_^). This is really important to both her and I, and I'm really excited for it.
Nothing hurts like when your twin is hurting. :( I hope it works out and you can find a way to keep her remembering that nothing quite compares to your relationship and that getting married doesn't mean you won't be twins anymore.
Thanks. It helps to know to hear that other brides with sisters go through similar experiences.
This is so sad-I have an identical twin and when she got engaged (5 years before me!) I was so excited I felt like I was getting married. I don't think this is normal sister behavior.
I have no advice, but wow, it seems like we have lots of twins on Weddingbee!
@honeybun: I was thinking the same thing! :)
Anyway, I felt the same way when my younger sister was getting married, but for some reason--and I still don't know why, unless it was love for my sister winning out over my own feelings--it all went away on her wedding day and I felt nothing but happiness for her. I hope that's what happens for your sister, too!
I went through something similar...my younger sister and I have always been super close. A couple of years ago, as we were planning her wedding (which I was very involved in as MOH) I went through a terrible break-up right before the wedding. Her wedding was in Hawaii and so I went alone and was the only single person there. I was so, so happy for her but I was sad for me because I didn't have what she had. The cherry on the sundae was when the hair stylist made me wear the flower in my hair on a different side than the other bridesmaids because I was single... it felt like a scarlet letter lol. My sister of course was attentive and sensitive to me and it helped a ton. It's not like I didn't want all the happiness in the world for her...I just wanted some for me too. So...I guess being on the other side of this dilemma once upon a time, I would suggest that you comfort her and see if she'll express to you what exactly is making her sad. Like someone else brought up, maybe she's worried that your relationship with her will change after you're married...
I have a similar story to aliciagray...I think it's very normal and I can only imagine it's harder for twins. My younger sister got married last year and it was very hard for me. I was jealous, but I also felt bad that I was jealous. I tried my best not to let her know and fully supported and had fun planning things with her, but I felt like she was passing me in some way. I always excpected to be first because I'm 3 years older. It was always hard to adjust to always having her husband around. It had always been just me, my sister, and my mom and the change was hard because it wasn't my decision, I just had to get used to it and it took some time.
I know it sounds terrible, but this is the honest truth! I would say just give your sister time (and a counselor for true depression is never a bad idea!). She loves you and before you know it she'll been in a good place just luck you!
@Jacqi-There were 4 other sets of twins in my HS, and I have to agree with you!
@Alicia: Hawaii!? That must've been torture! But you definitely hit the nail on the head and I couldn't have said it better myself.
At the same time, so2203, try not to worry too much about your sister's sadness on your wedding day. I say this as a former sad sister: you deserve to be nothing but happy on your wedding day. You can be a good sister and be concerned about her feelings on any other day, but allow yourself to be selfish on your wedding day. She'll get over her sadness eventually, and chances are she'll probably find that she's too happy for you on that day to feel sad! I'm sure your big day will be fine. You found her in the privacy of her own bedroom crying before your engagement party, after all, not crying on your shoulder publicly. If she needs to disappear from time to time on your wedding day, try not to worry about it too much and don't take it to heart. Just let her do what she needs to do, because it sounds like she loves you too much to let her sadness ruin your day.
so2203, You are making me sad!
Your sister can't help it. But I think it may help to inform her about how it makes you feel. Her feelings may seem like jealousy and it may seem like she just wants what you have. But I think it's possible that she is just truly sad about herself. She may need some professional help... I know the feeling.
I have a twin sister, but I can't really relate. She was so happy when FI decided he was going to propose (he asked her permission first) that she didn't talk to me from the time she found out until the proposal because she was afraid she would tell me. She loves my FI and can't wait for him to be a part of the family. She's already told him that if she ends up alone in life, she is moving in with us.
I know how hard it is to see your twin hurt, and I know that you would rather see her happy than be happy yourself, but you deserve happiness, too. She will find hers.
I have a younger sister and she has been nothing but supportive and happy for us. She helped me plan the wedding, and is perfectly content with the way her life is. I can understand how your sister feels, but she needs to help herself get through this. No one can help her unless she's truly ready to help herself
my sister just emailed me yesterday to tell me she is declining from being in my wedding! Im so hurt and I understand what you are going through. Its not the same situation but we both wish our sisters can be a little bit more excited for us and with us!
It sounds like she is suffering from depression. You said that you and your mom had her see a counselor in the past. You getting married is just the trigger for the depression this time around. You might try to get her to go again. Or try talking to someone at church.
When I was in the sorority my suitemate suffered from depression and she would lock herself in the bathroom before our sorority events and cry. We would all try to say positive things to cheer her up but ultimately it was just a cycle for her and she needed help that we couldn't give. You might even consider talking to a counselor to see what things you should say or do to help her move forward.
Good luck and I'm sorry that she isn't showing excitment for you. I'm sure deep down she truly is excited for you!
I think it is sort of normal. My family isn't thrilled I'm getting married young (I was 22 when we got engaged), but they're getting excited as time goes on. I'm sure she'll get on board with it!
I think this is normal - its just that most people won't be openly honest about it!
I have a friend whose little sister is getting engaged and it is so hard for her. And it makes it harder on her because she knows she *should* be happy when she is not. She isn't in need of counseling necessarily - she just really wants ot be married and her little sister getting married just underscores that she is not..
Ideally she should talk a friend about her sadness instead of you though...
I have a twin sister. She's actually the older one (by a minute). I'm the baby of the family. My sister didn't take to my husband while he and I were dating. She pretty much hated him. On that note, my whole family didn't like him. Soon enough though, they all came around. My sister even got into a DRESS for my wedding day! (She's a tomboy) and doesn't "do" dresses. My sister was excited to be a part of my day, as was my whole family and friends.
I'd say talk to your sister and include her in as many things as you can. I hope she comes around soon.
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I have a twin sister who has always been my best friend. I love her and really want the best for her. She is always known to be the cheerful, funny and the crazy one. At least this is what everybody else says when they get to know both of us. However, she has had low self-esteem as long as I can remember but lately, it's become worse partially due to the fact that I am engaged to be married this coming summer. She truly pities herself, and she says I am the lucky one, the superior one, the happier one, this list goes on forever.
She had several long-term relationships so far but none of them really worked out. She compares herself to me most of the time and feels envious without meaning to hurt me or harm our relationship but unfortunately, she does. But the thing that really makes me sad is she is truly saddened by the fact that I am getting married.
I remember finding her crying in her bedroom, before my engagement party which made her feel terrible and me very sad. She doesn't want to ruin it for me, I know this. But I can't help but feel guilty that my upcoming wedding is making her so depressed. She has expressed this to me several times: she wishes she were in my place, that she had a successful relationship, someone who she could love and respect and be loved by. I love her, and I don't want her to want to be in my place. I want her to be happy for me but at the same time feel happy that she is who she is and I am who I am. I am so afraid that on my wedding day I will find myself worrying over this and searching for signs of sadness on her face that she is trying to hide from me or tears that she is trying to fight back.
Is anyone else experiencing this with their sister? I sometimes try to put myself into her shoes and empathize. I can see how we are so close and this could make her a little sad inside but being this depressed and crying over this? Is this normal?