- 6 years ago
Felt I couldn’t post this on my regular account because it’s a user name I share on several different sites, that my sis might visit. I’m sorry… this is going to be LOOOOONNNGG.
A bit of background. I met FI at college on the east coast; he is originally from California. We’ve decided to have our wedding in Cali because his extended family is larger by far than mine. This unfortunately means that many of our friends, who can’t make the monetary commitment of a flight and hotel stay won’t be able to attend.
Our wedding will be about 50-60 people, and we decided to have a very small wedding party. Just my sister and FI’s best friend. I’m a fresh college grad, and my sister is 5 years older and much better established than I am. She got married 2.5 years ago, and had her first baby in January of this year. As her baby sister, she’s always been very protective towards me. However, since her marriage, she’s begun acting very judgemental and bully-ish towards me. Though on most days, we get along fine, if we start discussing any of the more serious aspects of my future plans she becomes very critical. This has begun to extend to my wedding. As I was her MoH, it was natural that I’d ask her to be mine.
However, she has not been very laid back at all… A few things that have happened.
1) My wedding colours are royal blue and gold. One day I met up with her and her husband at a store and she announced that she found her dream dress. It was a cotton navy day dress. Both her husband and her were gushing that it’s a dress she’ll be able to wear again which is the dream bridesmaids dress. I should have been more firm, but I politely pointed out that the dress would photograph near black, and our venue is fairly formal (historic hotel, we’re having a sit down dinner etc). They brushed me off by saying she’d get flowers and jewlery to dress it up. Despite my objections, the dress was purchased… (for her wedding I had to wear a street pylon cone-orange dress which I did not get a choice of selecting, yet I bit my tongue about this contrast)
2) She offered to throw me a bridal shower. Horrified that I only wished about 6-8 of my closest friends to be invited, she ended up throwing me a huge bash with almost everyone her and my parents know invited. She frequently complained at the amount of effort it took to organize this unsolicited event. She also forced our mother to pay for it…
3) While I understand that being at home with a new baby is difficult and stressful, anytime anyone complains about anything in their lives (work stress, wedding stress, health concerns, etc.), she always always rebuffs them with “yeaaaaa… welll… you don’t have a baby so you have no reason to complain about anything” It’s been a lont time since I’ve felt any empathy out of her.
4) This is what happened in the last two days. I saw her for dinner yesterday, when I told her about our newest wedding news, she hated everything. She hated my decor choices. Vehemently said that her and her husband are going to California to be on vacation, and do not wish to help set up any decor on the day of (I didn’t ask or expect her to, mom and MIL have already volunteered); our alcohol choices are inappropriate and cheap (our cocktails would bleed our budget dry, but house wine is tacky); our Sunday wedding ends to early at (it’s 3:30 -9:30pm, she wants to party untill midnight). Lastly, I showed her the suit FI chose and got told that getting him an ivory shirt to match my dress is stupid, that his suit looks old fashioned and outdated (I thought it looked very Don Draper). That’s all I can remember.
Today she got on my case about the same stuff when mom and I went to visit our niece at lunch; so I told her about 3 times over that all her negativity is making me feel bad and that I wished she’d lighten up. She persisted. It turned into a screaming match. It culminated with her kicking both my mother and I out of her house and telling me she’s done with my wedding and I need to find a new MoH..
While I understand this is a different time in her life, with adjusting to life with a newborn, and my behaviour very much mirrored the immature fights we’ve had as teenagers… I feel a huge amount of pressure to follow in all her footsteps or be thought of as a deviant weirdo. It’s hard to make her understand that as we’re younger and both fresh college grads, FI and I will have a cheaper and more humble wedding compared to the 40k blow out she had. We’re going to live in a small apartment and not be able to throw money left and right. We’re okay with this. She’s commented that gifts we’ve received from our bridal shower (which I’m very very greatful to have received) are not name brand or are cheap/poor quality… Her attitude hurts me a lot and I don’t know how or if I want to repair this relationship in the two months up to my wedding.