My sister really let me down PART TWO: THE FIGHT!!!

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

LadyMoriarty:  I am sorry you had to deal with this in your wedding week.

You and your sister were both affected by your upbringing in different ways. She clearly has anger problems and dosn’t know a healthy way to deal with it. She needs therapy, but she is unlikely to seek it until there is some crisis big enough in her life, if then.

I have one sister who, if you met the two of us, you would never know we grew up in the same family. She has nothing but negative memories about our upbringing and our parents,  whereas I can also remember the good times.  Our parents weren’t perfect by any means, (they were both alcoholics) but they did the best they could with the skills they had available.

We can never change our sisters. We can only change the way we allow them to affect us.

Post # 3
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Whoa, your sister is somethin’ else…

This might sound odd, but when it comes to her letting you down, well, I think you should try to think about that in a different way. Your sister didn’t let you down, she acted the way she’s been acting for years now. She’s a difficult, confrontational person, and that’s how she acted. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you expected her to behave in a way that is so unnatural for her that nothing short of a miracle would have been necessary for her to comply, even if what you wanted would have been second-nature to nearly anyone else. 

Now, that’s not to say that you did anything wrong or that you’re to blame, just that she’s so out-there that wanting her to be involved in your wedding and not cause a bunch of trouble simply wasn’t reasonable. Unfortunately, it may be best for you to not have any expectations or hold out much hope that your sister won’t act horribly, even when something important is happening. 

As for everything else — my gosh. I can’t blame you for being afraid of her. She has issues. Sometimes it’s best to separate yourself from toxic family members as much as possible, and that’s probably what you’ll have to do with your sister. 

Post # 5
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

LadyMoriarty:  Sometimes you need to do something concrete like sit down and write out lists of all the good things that happened and also the bad. It helps you to see that you really do have more to be happy about than sad.

Post # 7
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I heard a saying once “No siblings have the same parents”.  I can relate to your situation for two reasons.  My brother, my only sibling, are almost two yrs to the day apart.  We had a crappy childhood.  Both our parents had various issues and there wasn’t much parenting going on.  My brother has aknowleged this, let it go to some extent and seems to have been able to have some success in life.  I, on the other hand have struggled and could not let it go and move on for a long time.  I’ve had serious anger, realtionship and other issues that for a long time crippled me.  It’s amazing how siblings can grow up in the same household and handle the effects of it differently as adults.  I can realte to your sister because I’ve been there.  I once was so angry at my mother that I took a bookcase and pushed it down her stairs (scary!)

It seems like your a very caring person and despite everything you love your sister.  But that doesn’t mean that you should take her abuse.  Suggestion – Maybe you could send her an email?  Perhaps say you know that she had a rough time growing up.  And that the way your parents treated you effected you as well, even though you have handled it differently.  Tell her that you can see she is struggling and you’re sorry.  That you care about her and suggest that she should consider going and talking to someone.  You’re sick of fighting and would like to have a better realtionship.  But that you can’t tolerate her behaviour i.e screaming, throwing things at you etc..  As you feel that your being mistreated by her as you were mistreated by your parents (if that’s how you feel).  And you need to take care of yourself.

I’m not saying it’s your responsiblity to solve her problems or be her therapist.  Sometimes it can diffuse a situation by saying “I see your pain, I’m sorry, and I care”.  While at the same time setting boundries as to what type of treatment you will and won’t accept.  After that the ball is in her court.  Sorry, you’re having to deal with this.  It’s a difficult situation. 

Post # 8
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

jennie.elliott2:  NOTE: I just read that you have suggested to your sister that she see a therapist.  So, my suggestion may not be revelant.  Take what you like and leave the rest.

Post # 9
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

LadyMoriarty:  I totally understand many of these posts. And I’m sorry that you experience that especially before your wedding.  I have 4 sisters and my mom always tells me that we are like fingers. We are all different but on the same hand. We also experienced different upbringings because me and one of my sisters are from first marriage the rest are from the second.  Right now my situation is that my older sister is going through a bit of craziness herself.  And we are kind of distancing ourselves from each other. My mom doesn’t understand why we fight and can’t talk about things. Well because our emotions get the best of us. We know how we should communicate but it doesn’t always work out that way because of hurt and anger. I can only suggest let some time pass and then try to talk to her. If you are the calm one then stay calm but be stern in her physical reactions and stand up for yourself. Let her know it’s unacceptable behavior. With me and my sister I am not allowing her to ruin any of my wedding plans. I unfortunately won’t include her if she keeps acting up And hopefully she will come to her senses Soon. Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I wish you all the luck in this situation, and hope she does reach a point where she can seek help professionally to help her work through her issues. Unfortunately besides suggesting help you may need to take PP advice and send her a message where do establish boundaries and what behaviors you will and won’t accept. Sorry you are dealing with this and good luck!

Post # 11
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

If your sister continues to scream and throw things after throwing glass and hurting someone and still doesn’t see the problem then she needs serious help. You can’t force someone to take therapy though sadly. It sounds best not to engage at all with her, to avoid outbursts for your own sanity. Hugs to you.

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