Post # 1
My little sister and I have always been best friends. She refuses to be my Maid/Matron of Honor (or a BM) because she doesn’t want to “be on display” because she’s overweight. I let her know that I feel completely crushed that she won’t be in my wedding, and months later I brooched the subject again, but she still feels the same way so we just got in a huge fight.
What do you guys think? Am I crazy for feeling really hurt about this?
Post # 3
don’t be hurt.
she has her issues. alot of overweight women can’t find a way to love their own body… and sometimes the shame and self conscious feelings can get in the way of life, even with something as big as your wedding.
Post # 4
Do not be hurt.. I would keep trying and really encourage her… self-esteem i think is what is holding her back, offer to let her choose her own dress or something like that to make her feel more comfortable
Post # 5
There’s no more asking. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be in it. I offered to pay for everything and take her out shopping seperately from the other BMs. I told her I would tell the other BMs that I took her out shopping on a seperate trip without them since she would be wearing a different dress from theirs. But she didn’t want to stand in front of less than 20 other people at a small wedding.
Post # 6
Be dissapointed, but she just doesnt feel comfortable with herself. It may be your wedding, but her problems are about her, not you. her problems with herself span larger than one day so, while its dissapointing, be supportive of her decision.
Post # 7
Did she say if there was another way she was willing to be involved? By you asking, you clearly give the right to decline as she did. I would probably move on and find another way to involve her.
Post # 8
Dont put pressure on her if its really something she doesnt want to do, how would you feel if she caved and felt really horrible on your wedding day?
I think asking twice is enough, she if she would feel comfortable being involved in some other way.
Post # 9
But my two bridesmaids are Richard’s sisters, and I really wanted my sister to do the Maid/Matron of Honor speech at our reception.
Will it look stupid if Richard’s sisters are my BMs, I have no Maid/Matron of Honor, and then my sister does a speech at the reception?
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
If your sister’s willing to do the speech, I think that would be lovely.
This is a really sad post- that her body issues can affect how she lives her life this much. But I wouldn’t push her anymore on this.
Post # 11
*sigh* When I told her that Richard’s sisters would still be my BMs, she seemed to want me to not have any BMs at all, since if she wasn’t standing up there with us, everybody would be asking about why she wasn’t in the wedding.
I should probably mention that while my sister is overweight, Richard’s sisters are a bodybuilder and a fitness instructor…
Post # 12
I agree with PPs. These are her issues with her body, not her issues with your wedding. She can STILL give a speech at your wedding, if she wants to and she can still be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If this was me I would still have her as my Maid/Matron of Honor and just not require her to stand up there or even wear the same dress (do whatever she is comfortable with). I would let her know that she can do whatever she feels comfortable doing, but that her being my Maid/Matron of Honor was important to me. Even if it is just an honorary title and she does nothing that a normal Maid/Matron of Honor does, if it is important that she be your Maid/Matron of Honor, I would let her know that you’re okay with her just having the title Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 13
Aw!! This is a sucky situation. I would try not to let this upset you too much. But don’t let her guilt you into not have bridesmaids at all. She has the right to turn down Maid/Matron of Honor, but she does not have the right to dictate who else you ask. I think it was a really good idea to let her pick out her own dress since she’s likely to look better in something differnt than the other bridesmaids. Maybe talk about how excited you were to see her all dressed up and beautiful for the wedding. But if the whole Maid/Matron of Honor thing is out the window then I would ask her what she would be most comfortable doing. You could suggest that you would love for her to give the speech. She could even do the speech as a voice over slide show with pictures of you guys so that people wouldn’t be watching her the whole time. Or maybe there is some other way she would like to be involved. I would definately let her know that you love her and want her to be involved but also understand her concerns and want her to be comfortable. At some other time it might also be a good idea to bring up the possibility of your sister seeing a counselor. It sounds like she has pretty severe self confidence issues that might be helped if she got some help from a counselor. But that should be completely unrelated to any wedding discussions.
Post # 14
You say she is thinking “everybody would be asking about why she wasn’t in the wedding”. Well getting her to do a speech gets around that problem. Because then she IS in the wedding in a sense, just not as a bridesmaid. I think getting her to do a speech would work well, and won’t look strange. (Also, if the two BMs are your two future SILs. it’s probably best if you don’t want to promote one over the other as Maid/Matron of Honor anyway).
Don’t be hurt at her refusal. She must have really bad self confidence to not want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 15
I know that when I was at my heaviest, I wouldn’t even let people take my picture at a party. I also turned down trips to places like the beach or going on my brother’s boat because I couldn’t stand swimming in a tee shirt and wouldn’t be seen in a bathing suit. It can really limit your life when you feel horrible about your weight. I’m sorry, hopefully your sister will be involved in other ways but don’t push her on this. It was a nice gesture to ask but unless you’ve been there yourself you just can’t understand.