Post # 1
My older sister told me that I have to call off the wedding and break up with my FI. : ( Our wedding is in two weeks.
The reason she gave: I’ve been changing ever since I was with him.
The only support she could give is that I’m just settling for him. Um…I’ve had many, many men ask me out. It’s not like I didn’t have other options. And I and an independent, girl-power kind of woman. I never wanted a man. But he showed up and he changed all of that! And my sister says that, ever since I’ve been with him, I haven’t taken as many photographs (I love photography!) or gone on as many trips. The reasons? My camera died and, as a poor grad student, I can’t afford a new one or travel anymore. We’ve started dating when I started grad school, so it’s all a coincidence.
I think she’s a bit jealous. I’m eight years younger than she is, and I’m getting married first. My FI and I have a great relationship, but her 7-year relationship has always been really, really rocky.
The irony is that, all the time while growing up, she has wanted me to change: wear your hair differently, wear different shoes, wear different makeup, change your hobbies, and I stick to who I am. I think it drives her crazy that I’m so solid in knowing myself. AND we haven’t seen each other for two years since we live 22 hours apart. We’ve never really hung out, so she doesn’t really know me. Does that make sense? And she hasn’t even met my FI, so she can’t judge him. She’ll meet him for the first time at our wedding.
Have any of you gone through anything like this?
Post # 3
Um, I’ve been the older sister in this scenario. I was told that I was just jealous because I was single and my advice was thrown to the wind. (Though FWIW I did make my opinion known long before the engagement and wedding).
I have been nothing but supportive through the divorce, and my family member says she wishes that she had at least considered my advice more closely.
Each situation is different and I’m not saying yours is like the one that I was involved in, but sometimes people who care about you do say things because they are concerned and not out of jealousy.
I’m wishing you the best!
Post # 4
Thanks for your honesty, Mrs. DG. I’ll definitely take your words into consideration.
Post # 5
Did she seriously say, “You have to call off the wedding?” I’d be pretty angry at her if she approached it that way. And I wouldn’t buy into anything she said after that. If she voiced her concerns in a way that wasn’t so abrupt and off-putting, I might consider what she’s saying.
Post # 6
@BrightYellowGaloshes: I didn’t want to be a downer or anything. Ultimately I think if you listen to that tiny voice deep down inside you’ll know what the right answer is. I think my family member would tell you that she ignored that tiny whisper deep inside 🙂
Post # 7
I think it must be really hard for your sister to accept this marriage without ever having met FI! Even if your relationship with him is amazing, I can understand where she’s coming from. Obviously you don’t need to listen to her “advice”, but maybe try to arrange for her to spend time with you and FI in a non-stressful situation (i.e. NOT the wedding) so that they can start building a relationship.
In terms of how to respond to her, I might just say what you posted here – explain that the lack of travel and photography = financial. But don’t be defensive and try to see her side of the story. Instead maybe take a positive, “don’t worry, FI is great and I can’t wait for you to meet him and see for yourself” type of approach.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
The best response is to tell her you appreciate that she’s trying to look out for you, and to go on to have a happy marriage and wonderful life with FI. I am sure that, even if this does come in part from a place of jealousy, she *also* means well, or at least thinks she does.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!
Post # 9
Oh, geez. Okay, I’m an older sister also, but at some point the patronizing “advice” needs to stop, preferably sometime in adulthood. My siblings are adults now, just as I am. If they ask my advice or seem to be in a very compromising or dangerous situation, I will try to guide them. Otherwise, I get over it. I respect them and their desicions. I’ve seen pushy older sisters before, and it drives me nuts. She’s not your mother. She’s not the person you’re going to marry. It was rude of her to open her mouth like that.
Post # 10
Since she hasn’t met him, all she can go off of is what you tell her or what she has observed. I don’t think jealously is in play – but rather her perception of what’s going on. I know it’s hard, but take her words to heart and see if there’s any truth to it. If there is, decide if you can live with those things… but, if it’s not, then you know you’ve done your part in hearing her out and can move forward. It is normal for someone to change in a relationship and with time in general – perhaps she sees some red flags that she’s experienced in relationships and doesn’t want you to experience the same thing.
What did she say when you told her the reasons for your perceived changes?
Post # 11
Unless she had reason to believe you are unhappy, it’s really dumb to give advice like that when she’s never met the fiance or seen the couple together. Much less if you haven’t seen your own sister for 2 years! That seems crazy, and suggests that more is going on than meets the eye. Is that 22 hours by car or plane? If it’s by plane, ok, that’s different. But if it’s 22 hours by car, that’s a normal plane flight – why no get togethers over the holidays? The whole situation just sounds weird to me.
Post # 12
@tntrav44 She seriously did.
@GirlWithARing Great idea! I’m going positive next time. : )
@oracle Thanks for your words. And she didn’t respond after I told her the reasons.
@mightywombat It’s 22 hours by car. Your idea of getting together over the holidays is a great one, however she doesn’t want to celebrate the holidays with our family (she lives in IL, I live in AL, and our parents live in NY). It is a really weird situation.