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Is it rude...

My sister wants to do roller derby in France around my wedding....

posted 4 months ago in Family
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    1.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    This is kinda silly, although after spending the weekend working on invitations, flowers, setting the DJ, and dealing with legal paperwork for my wedding I need somewhere to vent after the email I just got...

    ....So, my sister is a wonderful, kind, and smart person. We are very, very, different people. For example: my wedding will very much be a French, classy garden-themed wedding in Normandy; her wedding was at a waterpark, and for the reception she went down the water slide in her dress, and afterwards everyone got in their swimsuits and got in the pool. It was fun, just...we are different. She recently took up roller derby as a hobby, which...is really, really not my thing and as she is the most accident prone person I know, it's hard for me to support her doing a sport where you get on rollerblades and intentionally push people down. So I wasn't too happy when I got this: 

    "I would really love to guest at a roller derby practice in France (I was told this is often allowed) and/or possibly see a game. I might need your help with some translation stuff if you have the time. Of course, I understand if you're too busy, but since this is a passion of mine, I thought it also might be fun to share it with you when I'm out. Let me know your thoughts."

    My wedding is really the only time I'll ever be able to invite all my friends and family from the states to visit me and for me to really share the culture I've been living in with them. I'll have several guests visiting me, and I'd rather show them something a little more cultural to Paris than roller derby. Plus I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and don't really want to help her with this. I also recently got a job, and it looks like there is a huge conference a few days after my wedding. Hopefully I'll be able to get the Friday before my wedding off work...but any quality time I can be with my guests is important to me. I guess I feel like this roller derby thing is being imposed on me, and really would not be quality time...it's not my thing. 

    I'm not sure how to react, it's not a typical problem you come across. And I've just come back from a weekend of planning overload. Any advice on how to respond? 

     
    2.
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    Buzzing bee
    Cash000    December 2, 2011   Canada

    Well it's your sister, and it's something she loves. So while it seems ridiculous to you, it's important to her. I don't see how one roller derby show/competition/whaterver it's called, would affect you all that much, as it is probably only a couple hours tops. Why not make the effort to supprt her ? You don't need to bring along everyone, you just need to tell them you are busy for a couple of hours, I am sure they can handle it.

    If you really don't want to go or supprt her, or help her out with the trnslation let her know you are too busy, and you're sorry.

     
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    Worker bee
    mrsdooks    July 28, 2012   los angeles

    I think that sounds like a really cool opportunity for your sister. Even though you want to show your guests the classier side of life, why prevent them from enjoying their passions too? That's the thing you have to deal with if your wedding is a destination for most of your guests- they might not want to do everything you want to, because who knows when they'll have the opportunity to be there again?

    I would encourage her to pursue it, but gently let her know that you'll be too busy around the time of the wedding to participate and/or help her. I'm sure if she just did some Google searches she could find some local groups- if she emails a bunch in English, I bet one is bound to respond. If she gets the ok to participate, maybe ask if she can do it after the wedding (if she's in it) so you don't have a bruised up sister in your wedding photos!

     
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    Bumble bee
    Roe    June 9, 2012   PA

    I'm confused...is she coming into town for the wedding, and thats when she's suggesting the derby or is she visiting you sooner for another reason and she wants you to come along? Is the translation stuff just helping her out in a foreign country or does she expect you to be her translator and go with her?

    Its not really an atypical situation, taking your differences and dislike of the hobby out of it. If this is occuring in the week or two leading up to your wedding, I would politely tell her that you would be thrilled to go with her on a roller derby adventure the next time she comes to visit you, but with all the wedding activities going you, you don't think you'll have the time or energy. If she asks you specific questions about translations or vocabulary, I would answer them but not sit down for a two hour long tutor session or be her personal translator.

    Have you gone to roller derby with her before? Outside of your wedding, I would go with her at least once to be a supportive sister. Yes, roller derby can injure you. Just like rock climbing, horeseback riding, soccer, tennis, etc. But she's an adult and should be able to choose hobbies she loves without you judging her choices. But if she asks you all the time to go, I would just explain that its not your thing.

     

     
    5.
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    Helper bee
    occhiblu    August 13, 2011  

    You're both adults, you both have the right to do your own thing and the right to not do what you don't want to do.  Which means:  If she wants to go to a practice or bout, let her.  If you don't have the time or inclination to help her organize that, let her know that you wish her well but you won't be able to join her or help her.  As an adult, she can then decide how she wishes to proceed.

    Sounds to me like she's really just trying to reach out a bit, not impose something on you that you'll resent.  "No thanks" is always a perfectly polite, acceptable answer.

     
    6.
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    Helper bee
    occhiblu    August 13, 2011  

    (Is that group still doing the midnight roller-blading in Montmartre?  If so, that might be a fun thing to suggest for her, too.)

     
    7.
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    Helper bee
    occhiblu    August 13, 2011  

    Ah, here: Pari-Roller

     
    8.
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    Bumble bee
    KT808    October 18, 2012  

    Well if she want to do the roller derby thing, let her. If you are too busy and don't have time to mess with it, then don't.

     
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    Busy bee
    justelope    December 30, 2011  

    If she needs help with translation, how will she go to the roller derby practice and participate?  Or does she just want to watch?

     
    10.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    @Cash000: It's true it's a good opportunity for her...but I have other friends and family who will be paying a lot to see me and my FI, and I maybe see them once every year or so. Personally, I would rather do something that is inclusive which everyone will enjoy. I know my Mom is also against it as well, so it's just an awkward situation.

     
    11.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    @Roe: She is coming to France for my wedding for a week. For the translation...I'm not sure, I might have to be there with her? 

     
    12.
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    Buzzing bee
    Ms. Martian    September 9, 2012   Ontario

    I don't think she should expect you or anyone else to go with her. If she wants to do it and it won't get in the way of wedding activities then let her. Are you concerned that you won't get to spend enough time with her or that she expects everyone else to go to the Derby? I think it's fine for her to go on her own and do her own thing for a few hours but it's not ok to expect other guests to attend her activity if they have no interest. 

     
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    Bee Keeper
    SapphireSun    July 9, 2010   Vancouver, BC

    I don't really understand what she wants you to do??  I think if it's just help her draft up an email, or make a couple phone calls - not a big deal.  If she wants you to actually come with her in the days after the wedding, I'd also say no if it's more than a couple hour time commitment. 

     
    14.
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    Sugar bee
    bookworm88    August 4, 2012  

    Let her go on her own.  This would be fun for her and a great opportunity, but gently remind her that you will be too busy around the week of your wedding to travel with her or translate. 

    Luckily, most children in France learn English in school, she should be okay. 

     
    15.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    @Ms. Martian: I totally don't expect people to spend every second with me while they are here, and want them to explore what the city has to offer! Although how it's looking now, I may only have evenings free during the week and want to spent the time doing things everyone would enjoy in the group. She is free to do what she wants of course (yes we are all adults and will not tell her what see can or can't do), but I don't really want to be a part of seeing her get slammed around. 

    Besides the weekend of the wedding, there aren't really a lot of activities. I have no expectations for a shower, batchorette party, or even gifts. My BM can literally wear whatever they want and I'm just making loose suggestions rather than requirements. I'm just so thrilled people are coming and will be able to spend time with them. I just don't feel like it's an inclusive event, not just because I don't like it but other guests would rather not be there as well. 

     
    16.
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    Buzzing bee
    MissGreen    July 2009  

    I don't see your sister being inconsiderate or rude here. She never said anything about including your guests; she stated she understood if you were too busy. All she asked was that this was something she loved and she wanted to include you on it. I don't know your relationship; but myself would make time for my sister and her passions. Even if "I don't get them". Obviously you guys are different, embrace it. Go and see what it's about; you might actually have fun and destress from the wedding. It's just a few hours; I'm sure your guest s may want to do their own thing at times.

     
    17.
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    Buzzing bee
    2ndtime    April 16, 2011  

    Does it have to be one event or the other?  On the day and at the time of her roller derby event have guests decide whether they want to do your pre planned event or do the roller derby thing.  I imagine some will stay with you and some will go with her.  Prior to the roller derby event and post the event, the guests would be all yours.

    If it is a matter of taking you away from your wedding events for her roller derby event, tell her that you are hosting everyone who is arriving for the wedding and you can't/don't want to put aside your own wedding during the actual time people are in town for it.  It may be that she just hasn't thought about what she is asking.   

     
    18.
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    Sugar
    Beekeeper
    bakerella    September 11, 2010   Toronto, ON

    @Au Jardin: I would give her the links to a couple of local groups and tell her to have fun, but unfortunately you won't be able to join her at a derby. No biggie for her to take a night while she's on vacation, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't really want to go either.

     
    19.
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    Sugar bee
    JoJo Bananas    August 21, 2010   Santa Cruz, CA

    If your sister is part of a derby league, she already has plenty of help with setting this up.  It is really common to spend a practice with the local league when traveling.  I'm sure it's not the first time they've hosted an American.  I say let her deal with it, ask her to do it in the time after the wedding in case she does injure herself.

     
    20.
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    Buzzing bee
    Ms. Martian    September 9, 2012   Ontario

    @Au Jardin: In that case just let her go to her rollerderby thing and plan something else that everyone wants to do. If it means she misses out on a group outing then that's her choice! That time is not about her so your visitors will be wherever you are. It doesn't even sound to me like she wants everyone else to go with her.

    I have travelled in large groups before, lived abroad and visited family in Europe and it's hard to please everyone and get everyone together. Don't stress too much about it! 

     
    21.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    @2ndtime: That is good advice, thank you. I'll encourage her to go, but I would rather host my guests while they are in town. I can in theory watch her the next time I'm in the US, but would rather not while everyone is here and with the stress of the wedding.

    Mind you all please, I'm not discouraging her from going so please don't make it seem that way, I just would rather not take part. 

     
    22.
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    Honey bee
    Meowkers    August 27, 2011   Los Angeles, CA

    Such a bizaar request!  However judging from the email you posted I don't think she really expects you or your other guests to go participate and watch her.  I think the email is more of a heads up on what she's doing and a request to translate a few things.

    I agree with @bakerella.  Tell her it sounds fun and give her a few links but tell her that you won't be able to join her because you've got a full plate the week before the wedding.  I'd also throw in a "be careful."  I'm sure you don't want her all banged up for your wedding. 

     
    23.
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    Helper bee
    Au Jardin    May 26, 2012   France

    @Meowkers: Yeah...I started off this post mostly because I'd rather be showing people around Paris...but since the other PP mentioned her being bruised up for the wedding...I'm now envisioning her breaking herself and ending up in the emergency room. I need to make sure she is insured abroad, cause that would be a nightmare....

     
    24.
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    Honey bee
    Meowkers    August 27, 2011   Los Angeles, CA

    @Au Jardin:  chances are very very small that she would actually get injured.  1. she has experience doing this.  2. i'm sure she would be extra carefull because she is in a foreign country.

    Please don't over worry yourself with this.  You can't control everything leading up to the wedding. Just have to hope that people are adults and act accordingly.  

    I'm sure everything will be fine!        

     
    25.
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    Blushing bee
    leilabee    July 27, 2013   Minnesota

    my opinion....is to get away and go to the rollerderby for a couple hours, it would be completely worth it! Embarassed Take a break from the wedding stuff have your parents entertain the relatives for dinner if that's possible and spend time with your sister for one night before you get married. just because i have a good friend who is like a sister in it too and being at it in person is a whole different experience than what you would think of it being outside of rollerderby.

    i do think it would bond the two of you. I am so so proud of my friend in rollerderby although it is nothing i would ever do myself I love seeing her in action, doing her thing, people cheering her on, and asking her for autographs. It brings tears to my eyes when I see it cause I'm just so proud to see her being so happy in her own way. It brought us a lot closer than we ever were in fact. Just being a supporter of her is important. It might not be big to you but it is big to her espeicially since it sounds like you haven't ever gone before.

    And rollerderby is a lot of fun!!!  a great time I promise. If FI and I can get a night out alone that's actually one of the things we go do for fun now. It should be experienced I think.

    Oh and you and your mom should watch the movie "Whip It".

     
    26.
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    Bumble bee
    AmuseMeMusically       Oklahoma

    <--- Derby girl here.

     

    I know the problem at hand is probably long since resolved, but I just wanted to put your mind at ease. Yes, there is "hitting" in roller derby (though it's really more like moshing than an uppercut or something.) And there is a lot of falling. But the thing is, we are taught from our very first days exactly how to fall to minimize injury. We are taught the proper stance to take the hits, so that when it does get full-contact, the possibility for injury is minimized. :D hope that sets your mind at ease.

     

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