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I know this was written about before on here about cousins. But my sister wants to get married 1 month after me! I feel this is so rude and inconsiderate and I can not begin to tell you how bitter this is making me. We are both supposed to be MOH for each other, and at this point I'm about to say it's better for me not to be in her wedding if she is going to get married so soon. We have the same family and friends. The only difference is our fiance's friends and family.
This bothers me so much because when you have a big family you share everything. This is not a time in my life that I want to share. I am also relying heavily on monetary gifts to start out our new life & i feel I will be totally jipped regardless if I am marrying first. One moment it is something for me, and the next it is something for her. When you get married it is the one time in your life where you feel special from the attention you get from everyone else. Now it's getting robbed. To my family this is seen as just selfishness and not a good enough excuse for my sister to push back her wedding.
For some reason I have to present a court case of evidence to my family of why this is bothering me. I need help in expressing why this is so bothersome. I would even settle for her to wait 2 months. What are your feelings? And how long do you think she should wait?
Mr. Bruschetta and I are facing a similar situation -- with FBIL and FSIL's wedding. It's not one month before or after, but still very close. And no, there's nothing we can do about it. It stinks, but it's just something we'll have to deal with! Hope it helps knowing you're not alone in coping with an awkard -- and yes, at times annoying -- situation. Try to find the silver lining, though: two sisters getting married in rapid succession sounds like a fun time for your family!
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I'm probably very jaded on this topic. When I got engaged, if one of my sisters had tried to pull this stunt, I would have been furious. I think my Dad may have been even more furious - since he would be putting money toward both! But...about a month after I got engaged, my sister got married without telling anyone. She ran off to Alabama and she and her boyfriend got married in a courthouse. None of us were invited. And she hasn't talked to us since. So...part of me understands the frustration. But part of me wouldn't mind if my sister's had been a month later, especially if it meant I could have been there. So take it with a grain of salt. Things could be worse. :)
The way your poll is worded is confusing, so I didn't actually vote in it. But I don't think your sister is being "rude and inconsiderate" at all. A wedding is ONE DAY. You don't get a month, or a week. Really, I think you're being rude and inconsiderate to your sister by asking her to delay her marriage for an extra month for no good reason except that you want more time to bask in your own glory. Sorry to be harsh, but it really annoys me when people try to step on family members' happiness and plans because they want more "me time."
my point is she KNOWS it bothers me. I have 3 sisters, thats 4 girls in my house. I am sorry if I don't want to share this whole getting married experience. This is NOT fun for me at all. And it's not just ONE day. It's months and hours of planning with your girlfriends etc....it's about sharing/feeling like i have to compete during the whole PROCESS.
Wow, I'm sorry you're feeling so upset about this. :( Hugs!
Are your parents paying for or contributing toward both your weddings? If so, will you be getting less because they will be paying for your sister's at the same time? I think that's a little unfair to your parents and to you. Another month's offset could make a big difference. Also, does your family live nearby? Is there anyone who will be unable to make the trip for two weddings in so short a time period? Do you not want to be her MOH because you worry you will be so busy planning your own wedding? Have you told your sister this and how has she reacted?
We live all in the same town, with EVERYBODY in common (family, religious congregation, friends etc...) Yes my parents are paying for both, but we are getting equal amounts. There are some people that probably won't go to both, but I don't care about that. I just don't see how either of us can be proper MOH with weddings 1 month apart. I know other siblings that have waited 3-4 months so as not to be inconsiderate. We even have the SAME BRIDESMAIDS! I told my sister, and her reaction is- "my fiance said October, we are getting married in October" (I'm getting married in September)
I really think you sound somewhat selfish here. She is getting married and you should be excited for her as well. Since the montetary thing is going to be equal, I don't see what you are getting so worked up about. Family will go to both weddings, they are not going to choose one over the other. If you are concerned about having the same bridesmaids perhaps your sister and you can deflect some of the costs of their gowns, shoes, ect. so that they will still be able to monetarily be there for you. Or if this doesn't work for you, perhaps see if you can change your date to be a little sooner.
I normally feel that there should not be a monopoly on joy, BUT, under your circumstances I feel for you and agree that your sister should wait a few months. I have friends who are sisters and got engaged a few months apart and sister 2 is waiting 6 months to get married after her sister.
Have you asked your sister to change her date? When she initially set her date did you talk to her about the fact that it upset you? What are your parents feelings?
My husband waited to propose until several weeks after my sister's wedding to avoid any "attention stealing" (we really didn't want to be at my sister's wedding being the ones getting congratulated when it was my sister and BIL's big day).
The month before a wedding is super stressful- with your sister's date close by, that will be 2 straight months of stress for your family- and you'll be missing on your honeymoon for a good chunk of the 2nd month and unable to help.
I know everyone says you only get a day, but I would lay money that a lot of conversations at your wedding will revolve around her upcoming wedding- since people are always full of questions.
I agree with Chelsea about considering the need for people to travel to both. What's the likelihood that friends and family from far away are going to make 2 trips in a month for weddings (especially if they have to fly and especially given the state of the economy)? And that doesn't include bridal showers, and bachelor/ette parties.
My mom is 1 of 5 children and 4 of them all got married in the same year. They made sure everyone was at least 2 months apart so that one couple would be back from the honeymoon before the next couple's bridal shower. It worked out well and gave everyone a little breather in between events.
I don't think it's a good idea to have the weddings so close because of all those reasons. However, you're going to get NOWHERE complaining about not getting enough attention or money- you're just going to sound spoiled and selfish to your family (and probably lots of other people to). (Really- imagine reading your post as an objective 3rd party... that's probably what your family is seeing- not good! not productive!)
I think your feelings are valid. I would be through the roof angry if my sister pulled this kind of thing- and I would NEVER pull this on her. However, if your goal is to get the wedding pushed back a month- don't play the 'I want my day, my attention, my monetary gifts" game. Talk about logistics- costs, travel (for you and guests), etc. It will probably get you further.
However, I think you may have to work towards accepting this situation as is. It doesn't sound like your sister or any other family are agreeing with you.
Sorry you're dealing with this- it does stink, but try not to let it ruin your planning. Good luck.
I see why you are upset. Really, this is one of the many reasons I'm glad I have brothers instead of sisters, because I would be the exact same way - really mad. But, the truth is, you have to just let it go. She picked her date, she's not going to change it, and other people's comments are true...you don't have any "right" to be upset about it (although it's understandable that you are).
I don't think it would be out of line to say that she might need a second MOH, or to let her bridesmaids know that you will most likely be busy and might need extra help fulfilling your duties, and vice-versa.
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Rosychicklet-you are absolutely right. I know how this comes off to other people. But if you come from a big family I think people would get it. I have laid off the attention and gifts and tried to focus more on costs. My sister even tried to say yesterday that she will have our bridesmaids wear the SAME dresses so that they don't have to spend $$ for her wedding. See that is what pisses me off. We might as well have a double wedding then-which I would NEVER DO.
Her attitude makes me bitter. Whatever "John" says is what we are doing like he is God and it can't be changed. My fiance is coming on a fiance visa from another country. So the last 3 months before my wedding is going to be insane! I have to fly to his country, go to an interview, prove our relationship, bring him here. Under this visa he can't even work the first 3-6 months until he gets his green card (which is why $ and presents are important). It's a lot going on in my life, and things that I have no control over. My family will be also traveling to his country to meet his family. There are so many expenses that my family is gonna regret that they did not make my sister wait! I'm just waiting to hear about how the $$ is running out.
In regards to the bridesmaids dresses, it just sounds like your sister is trying to be considerate to your/her bridesmaids. I doubt people will even remember what dresses your girls wore. It's been mentioned before a lot, that guests don't really pay the same kind of attention as other brides do. If anything, they will remember that you did it first and that your sister is copying you.
It seems that the financial drain on your family is coming mostly from you with all the travelling you and your family will be doing. Just because your wedding and all related expenses are going to cost them a lot of money shouldn't mean that your sister should wait. It sounds like you'll be emptying the family coffers before your sister has a shot at her share.
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I personally don't think it's a big deal. Everyone get's one day, even though it takes months of planning. Where would your draw the line for an acceptable date for your sister to get married? Would you be upset if she was getting married 8 weeks after you, two months, three months? What if she decided to get married 2 months before you? You kind of have to answer that question for yourself to decide if its really the date, the money or someone stealing your attention. You seem to be upset that you sister knows that it hurts you, would you change your date for her if the situation was reversed?
If money is really the issue then why don't you do a small wedding and use the money from your parents to start your new life? Honeslty I would not bet on wedding money gifts to cover the true costs of a wedding. You are going to be very disapointed.
Sorry if it's not the answer you are looking for. I do agree strongly with the comments that reguardless if it's right or wrong you need to be the better person. Just put it behind you and pretend it dosen't bug you. At the end of the day you want to enjoy this period and not let the drama consume your planning. People, right or wrong are going to think you are a bridezilla if all you do is talk about this and bad mouth your sister. I mean she is your sister after all!
I have a similar situation also. FBIL was "officially" engaged before us because FI didn't have a job while in school, but we had a date set. FBIL acted concerned and asked us our date before he proposed to FSIL, but now their wedding is 2 WEEKS before ours. They were going to have it one month after ours but moved it up and now they want us to move ours back.
I was bothered at first because FI has a lot of out of town family that won't make it to both weddings. Finally, I just decided I don't care anymore. It isn't worth it. At least I will still have my day (even though there is a push for us to do a "double" wedding). In the end it will still be about us. Although, I do feel the need to one-up them on everything which gets annoying and expensive. And I will end up being a little mad if everyone comes to our wedding instead of theirs so we have to host the whole family.
Eventually it won't bother you so much. Just remember that it is still your day!
I think the million dollar question here is WHY does she want to marry so soon after you? What has she said?
Ok, who here has a sister 1.5 years younger than them? And then tell me how compationate I should be. You are all living in a dream world if you think this is "fun". Weddings is what we talk about everyday. I said I would be comfortable with 2 months after mine. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's not that easy to just "suck it up". If it were me I would wait. The idea to me is un fathomable.
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Cereza, I totally feel for you. I'm in a similar situation, my FBIL is getting married 3 months before us and set his date about 4 months after we set ours. I feel that unless you go through this - having a wedding close to a brother/sister's - you don't know how it feels. Yes, you do only get one day, but there is something about having a wedding so close to a brother/sister that can be really hard to deal with. My FBIL is always comparing his wedding to ours - and they will be nothing alike. So that alone pisses me off. Then, 2 of his 4 groomsmen are in our wedding (no, not his friends, either) and he had the nerve to tell my that my wedding will just be a repeat of his. I told my FI that I need a break from his brother - his comments were starting to get to me and I didn't want to say anything negative to him or hurt his feelings. And with my tendency to speak before I think, that is a huge possibility.
I do not feel that you are selfish for feeling this way at all. It does hurt because she is not thinking of your feelings and only of her fiance's feelings. If she isn't going to change it, there isn't a lot you can do. My best advice would be to keep yourself busy and not think about her wedding - focus on your own wedding and make it as personal to you and your FI as possible.
bellenga I guess she wants to get married so soon b/c of hormones.
Emmerz-I would be furious too! 2 weeks, and yours was planned first?!
cmw-if you knew how much my wedding budget is, you would realize it's not much of anything to start a new life either. Just enough to rent a VFW hall, and buy some food, and DIY flowers/decorations
I come from a large household of 3 sisters, so I've definitely been where you are. In fact, one of my sisters moved up her wedding by 5 months and that made it so that she scheduled it during my trip to South America. It was going to be my last chance to travel for an extended period of time for at least 5-6 years (if ever), and the tickets were already bought and paid for. I could have been mad and pitched a fit, but instead I didn't take the trip and went to my sister's wedding. It was the right thing to do. I know it's not an exact parallel, but the point of the story is that family sacrifices for each other and is there for each other... even when it's not easy.
When we were young, there was somewhat of a struggle for attention/individuation... so I get that. I get wanting your own time in the spotlight.
If your sister was wanted to get married before you, then I could totally see your point. But, she is waiting a month. I think having the first wedding has a lot of benefits, especially in the concrete... sigh... money... sense that you were thinking about... but seriously, this isn't and shouldn't be about the cash. It can come off as, "What is the maximum I can get out of this situation?", and I don't think that is a healthy way to be thinking.
What you get out of having a wedding is a wonderful husband who is going to love you and make a life with you. *That* is the most important thing.
If you are really insistent on having your own day/month/year, then I would consider moving your own wedding back by 6 months or a year to be able to get that space. But you don't want to move your wedding either, right? Your sister is an autonomous person with needs and desires too, and I would imagine that you want her to be happy.
I would say to step away from your current line of thinking for a while and try to gain some fresh perspective. Maybe have a day with your sister where there is no wedding talk and you can recapture all the things you love about her. You are each other's MOHs, so obviously there is a close relationship there. Try to remind yourself of all the reasons that she is the best friend in the world.
I know this isn't necessarily what you want to hear, and I'm sorry for that, but as someone with a similar situation I thought I should add my perspective. I really do think that a month is reasonable and this situation is ok. It also sounds like your sister is being quite thoughtful about the bridesmaid dresses, as well.
I wish you the best of luck and peace with your decisions. You have a choice about how you are going to act in this situation, and I hope the choices you make are ones you can be proud of 10 and 20 years from now.
Well said Doctorgirl! It's a sucky situation but you can make the best of it. It sounds like your sister isn't going to change her mind so you have two choices: Live with it and still make it fun/special for you and your fiancee and her, or you can live with it and be bitter and resentful the whole time.
I hope it works out for you.
I understand your surprise and frustration when you first learned about the dates. Almost the same thing happened to me, except instead of a sister, it was a friend. And our dates are a week apart. We have almost all of the same friends, the only difference will be family. I was, at first, upset but didn't let anyone know it. But after a few months of my own wedding planning getting used to the idea, I'm completely fine with it. In the end, your wedding is going to be beautiful and you'll be married to the man you love. That is the most important part.
Please remember that nobody has a monopoly on wedding dates or months. Your sister probably didn't do it intentionally and even if she knows it bothers you, she has her own reasons for wanting/needing to get married in that month. Is it up to you on how you react to the situation.
doctorgirl-I have 90 days to get married to my fiance b/c of the visa. I can't move anything back. If I could perhaps I would consider it. I'm not a very mushy person, so all of this love and reflection stuff doesn't really do me anything.
peony80-the only reason she has for making it a month apart is hormones, nothing else really
Cereza, has she set a date? Can she push it to the end of October? That would be almost 2 months. I have to admit, I'm confused why her fiance is so adamant that they get married in October. Is it an anniversary or something. B/c one thing I find strange is that she seems to be implying that she has no choice in the matter. That's worrisome if he's so controlling.
Overall my reaction is that it's not a big deal...but I can see how planning together would not be a fun experience if your sister is being so insensitive. There is no way it's okay that her BM's wear the same dresses as yours. Why would she even want that? If I were in her situation I'd do everything in my power to make my wedding as *different* as possible.
But maybe the thing to do here is to realize that you're outnumbered and likely she's not going to change her date. For the record I generally think it's unreasonable to even think that she should, but something in her attitude, as you describe it, comes off weird to the point where I think I can see where you are coming from. I think you'll do better if you accept that she'll get married soon after you, and instead try to set some clear boundaries. You will do your wedding shopping independently so that you each have your day to be the center of attention. You are not okay with recycling parts of your wedding into hers. Right now I think it feels so much worse b/c she is completely ingratiating herself into every aspect of your wedding. And that can suck. My uncle suggested that my cousin could wear my Indian wedding dress (that I spent forever looking for and is being custom designed for me and my tastes) to one of her afternoon ceremonies at her wedding which is likely to be 3 months later. I know my mom would never allow that so I didn't even say anything...but I can totally see how her suggestion of reusing your BM dresses would upset you.
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Cereza - It must be so stressful for what you are going through right now. I wish I could give you a hug. My friend (with similar BMs and guests) decided to change her date to 1 week before my planned "wedding." And her's is a destination wedding...
I am sort of in your shoes. I have to have the quicky marriage since my FH is coming to the States with the K1. Why don't you get legally wed the first business day he gets here? This way the following day you can apply for the work permit, travel permit, and conditional green card. If you're not a mushy person, this may be the way to go. I am a romantic, and it took my more rational parents and sister with my immigration lawyer to convince me this is what needs to be done.
With the legal issues out of the way, it makes planning the wedding a lot easier. You can have a religious blessing later to have your marriage legal in the eyes of God. Have you booked the VFW Hall and caterer yet? If not, then you could change your date.
P.S. Some K1 visas will state that the individual can work on the visa. So this may help with the financial situation. Unfortunately, not all of them do.
fizics-no she hasn't set a date yet. But she wants to do it in October. Like I mentioned before, it's all about hormones. If you guys knew details that I won't share, your jaws would drop.
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hey blightygirl!
So interesting to see someone else doing a K1! If I consumate my marriage before my religious ceremony I can't have the religious ceremony. It would be legal only, and I want the religious ceremony-so that is why things for me are on such a tight timeline. I am a romantic. I am just not mushy about sisterly love etc.
I have put a deposit on my hall already. I am pretty sure we'll have out appointment by the time I booked it. And it's a 3 day holiday weekend, so it's perfect for my out of town people.
And they are revoking the right for K1 visa holders to work on temporary EAD after April 3rd. Check the I-9's. They changed the wording for acceptable work permits.
It sounds like in choosing a wedding date so close to yours, your sister has continued a pattern from childhood of trying to upstage you. That sucks, but you need to be the bigger person and not let it ruin your day. Think of some creative ways to make your wedding unique and different from your sister's.
Also, do you have to be each other's maid of honor? With all of the pressure of wedding planning, maybe it would be better for each of you to choose another close friend for MOH and just be bridesmaids.
Do you have your visa interview date set for June? I was rereading, so now I'm nervous (and a little bit stressed) for you if the interview ends up being later! Since you'll have to deal with all the wedding stuff plus whatever family drama that may occur in a shorter time span.
Sorry that I didn't notice that you were having your wedding over the Labor Day weekend? Will your out-of-town guests match your sister's? If so, then that could be a rational reason to have your sister's wedding date set to the last weekend of October (the 31st is a Saturday!). fizics's suggestion was spot on...nearly 2 months there...
blightygirl- I do not have my visa interview date set. I am actually assuming I will have it July/August. Once I get my NOA2 then I will know how everything will span out. If he won't be here in time, then I will have to just deal with the consequences and just have a civil wedding. It is SO MUCH STRESS! I check my case everyday! But I think I will get my NOA2 next month. I regularly check visajourney to see where they are up to in processing.
Yes the out of town guests will for the most part be the same.
I don't think her decision to get married after you was a huge deal, but I do think it was kind of inconsiderate to your parents who are trying to contribute to both. Beyond that, it seems to me your sister is only hurting her own wedding with this timing. She is the one who will look like she is copying you if she uses your colors/ideas, and she is the one who won't get her MOH there in the month before her wedding. It probably won't make a huge difference to your guests, since many people go to multiple weddings a year, with the majority being in summer and early fall. Chances are a good portion of those people have been to more than one wedding in a single month before, and it probably hasn't affected their generosity in gifts. Even if she wasn't getting married so soon after you, I think it would be best not to set your gift money expectations too high in this economy.
Have you sat down with your sister to have a serious conversation about this explaining all of your concerns or did you just tell her that it bothers you to have your weddings so close together? What do you parents think? Are they concerned? If you haven't already, I would explain that you are concerned because you will be very busy with our own planning and it will be difficult to focus on her shower, bachelorette party, etc and that you are concerned about the out of town guests not wanting to travel twice in such a short period of time. (And other concerns...)
My sister and I are 17 months apart. She isn't getting married in the near future, but honestly, as long as she was getting married after me, I would be okay with it. I think it would have been inconsiderate if she tried to plan hers before mine if I was the first one engaged, but why should she have to keep wait any longer than that to get married? I think sharing the same bmaid dresses is a good idea since the bmaids will be the same girls. Your wedding will be first, so your sister is the one that is "copying," so you shouldnt feel like it would take away from your wedding. If your sister refuses to reconsider her wedding date, then I think you just need to accept it and move on. Focus on your own planning, let you sister know your limits as far as helping with her wedding and relax! Wedding planning is stressful enough without added drama.
My SIL (dating for 8 months or so) got engaged two months after we did (we had dated for 3.5 years), and got married six weeks after we did. We had the same family flying in internationally for both weddings. They ALL came to both.
At first I was a little shocked that they planned their wedding for so soon after ours. I feel embarrassed to admit that I was mad and felt upstaged at first. But then I remembered that everyone deserves a happy engagement, and everyone deserves the wedding of their dreams, and for her it meant the September after we married. My husband and I had our day in the limelight, and when it came time for her wedding, we both pitched in full force. It didn't take away from the joy of our day. In retrospect, it was a really wonderful period of time for the entire family and I am embarrassed that I even felt mad at any point.
My point is, you can't change her date, you can't change her behavior, but you can make the most of your time. Yes, it is a bit inconsiderate to your parents because they are contributing financially to both and doing it all within a month is tough. However, your sister isn't suffering because of her choice, YOU are suffering because of your reaction to it. DON'T give her that power over you!! And do your best not to share too many wedding details with her, if that's possible...good luck!
Hormones? That's why? YOU have a personal and legal issue pending and that should take precedence plus a wedding already in the works.
I get hormonal once a month but I'm not bumping it up.
????
Is she super competetive or something too? I do think it is unfair for your parents to have to pay for two immediately back to back and for her to do this so quickly.
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I think you are being selfish, but I also think that as brides, we are allowed to be...at least for that one day. Everyone will tell you that it's just your day, not your year or month (which I agree with) but I think that should mean everything about that day.
A close friend of mine got married last year and her MOH was getting married 2 months later. All the MOH did the whole weekend was talk about her wedding and compare everything to her wedding. If you keep your sister as yor MOH, be prepared for the same.
My advice, as selfish as it sounds, is to make sure you get your invites out first and to enlist other friends to help if you dont want to drop your MOH. Said friend's MOH was so busy planning her own party she didnt have time to plan (or even attend) my friends shower or bachelorette party. And she didnt stay with us either (all the BMs stayed at the brides house the night before the wedding). Yuck...we all dislike her now and she's probably a decent person.
I like the idea of reusing the BMs dresses from the BMs point of view (one less thing to pay for!!) but as the bride, HECK NO! All of your pictures will look the same (especially since its the same people)...why would your sister even want that?
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A wedding is ONE DAY. You don't get a month, or a week. Really, I think you're being rude and inconsiderate to your sister by asking her to delay her marriage for an extra month for no good reason except that you want more time to bask in your own glory.
Agreed.
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