Post # 1
Some of you may remember my post about my sister not only dropping out as a bridesmaid at the last second, but not showing up for my wedding at all. To sum it up, my sister is emotionally unstable, and that routinely causes her to make very selfish choices that hurt the people around her. Not coming to my wedding is a good example of that.
Before my wedding, my mother made it out like my sister would be too sick to handle coming to my wedding, but they were covering up the fact that she just didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to see me get married…
She hasn’t said anything to me since the wedding. No calls, no card from her… She hasn’t even congratulated me on Facebook. Heck, she hasn’t even liked any of the photos or other comments! She has completely ignored that I got married at all. She’s posted plenty of pictures of her with friends out at a bar, and other status updates.
I think she should at least acknowledge that I got married. I feel like this is the LEAST she could do after not coming to my wedding. I can deal with her not coming, I just want her to spend 10 seconds writing “congrats” to me on Facebook.
I’m really, really hurt. I can’t just let this one go.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I love my sister… but I think this is the last straw. I feel like she’s pushed me out of her life by completely ignoring a very important day in mine. I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to look her in the face the next time I see her. I don’t know how our relationship will ever recover from this.
My DH thinks I should write her a letter explaining how I feel about this… but while I completely think I have every right to be upset, I’m not sure that is the best thing to do. I can’t just tolerate this, not this time.
This is mostly just a vent… but I would like some advice too. 🙁
Post # 3
Your sister is not well. Nothing you do is going to change that.
As hurtful as it is, I would just ignore her lack of response.
Post # 4
@julies1949: Ignore it? And what do I do next time I see her? Just pretend she didn’t hurt me? I’m sorry, I can’t do that.
Post # 5
Just because she is a relative doesn’t absolve her of treating you like crap. You have every right to your feelings. Probably writing a letter will help you feel better and get your feelings out in the open. Not sure how she’ll respond, though. But ultimately you have to look out for yourself… just because you wish she were a better sister doesn’t mean she ever will be. Hopefully one day she’ll realize what her behavior has done and she’ll make changes, but in the meantime it’s probably better to keep your distance from her toxicity. I’m really sorry to hear what she did to you. It’s terrible and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone =o( *hugs*
Post # 6
@julies1949: I agree… you cant control someone elses actions. It hurts, but nothing is going to change what happen and how you feel about it or how she is going to go about it. If you cant ignore it, the only other option would be to confront her and hash it out until it is settled.
Post # 7
I agree that a letter could be a good idea, even if you don’t send it to her. It could help you get all your thoughts out in a clear and concise way. If you want to talk face to face, maybe meet up in a neutral location.
My sister and I no longer speak because of some really horrible things she did to my family and I hate that I now don’t have siblings to share my life with. FI has a younger sister who I am close to, but it’s not the same. All that is to say that I would do everything you can to work it out. She is definitely in the wrong here, but I have every hope that you guys can work through this. I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!
Post # 8
it seems like its a problem she has with herself, not with you. I’d just try to wait and see if she comes around eventually. I’m sorry 🙁
Post # 9
@DeathByDesign: This really really sucks. I’m so sorry that your sister couldn’t be there for you. I’m not sure what mental illness your sister suffers from, but it still doesn’t mean that she exists in a vacuum.
Speaking as someone who has battled with anxiety and depression, I can honestly say that IMO you should write the letter or call her and tell her that you’re extremely hurt. It sounds like she is completely wrapped up in her illness right now and, while it can make you (her) very selfish because of her mindset, it doesn’t excuse her not coming to your wedding. If she was having a panic attack or couldn’t get out of bed that’s one thing…but it sounds like she just couldn’t deal with you getting married. It probably brought up a lot of issues for her, but that still doesn’t excuse her behaviour and the way that she’s acted since then is probably due to her feeling ashamed. Everyone noticed her absence and everyone knew why she wasn’t there…that has to be tough….but still, she has to face it.
There is a difference between being sympathetic because she’s going through a horrible time and letting yourself be treated like crap because she’s going through a horrible time. Mental illness effects everyone who cares about the ill person and, while she might not be able to acknowledge that right now, she should definitely know how you feel and that her actions have consequences. I’m sure you know this, but the letter will probably make her lash out. It could take a long time for her to acknowledge what she has done, but you will have said your peace.
I hope that you’re able to forgive her in time…but she should not get a free pass on this.
Post # 10
I think you may want to get some kind of message to her that you feel hurt that she basically wasn’t around on a very special day for you and the family, and that she is ignoring the fact you even got married. It’s really disrespectful to you and your husband, it may be that she is jelous or something.
Post # 11
It’s pretty clear that your sister has no remorse for her actions. If she did, there would be some indication she felt bad for anything she has done (and missing your own sister’s wedding is a pretty big boo boo).
I think in her mind she is doing the right thing. More than that I think she actively wants to be estranged from you, and I don’t think a letter is going to change her mind. At all.
It is probably BRUTALLY hurtful to realize a blood relative, let alone your sister, doesn’t care for you or about you. And you definitely have the right to grieve over it and want to try and make it better.
I just don’t think there is going to be some magical thing to say that will flip the switch in her head. I think she is emotionally unavailable to you, and sadly, it’s on her terms. She may never come around.
If this really is a mental illness (and it sounds like it is) it’s up to her and your parents to get the ball rolling and address the situation. I think she’ll just ignore any kind of communication that comes from you or turn it on you and spew a lot of venom.
Unfortunately, once you can come to terms with this, it will be easier for you to just ignore her and not take her actions to heart at all. It might take forever to do this, but I don’t she deserves your love nor does she want it.
It’s horribly sad :(. I’m sorry, lady.
Post # 12
If you write out the letter and she reads it and still doesn’t respond….will that just make you feel worse when you see her? 🙁
Post # 13
@DeathByDesign: You can bash your head against the same brick wall for the rest of your life, but you are the one who will be left with the bruises.
I’m not saying that you should never say that her behavior hurts you, but chances are that was her goal anyhow (ill guided and motivated as it was ).
Post # 14
@Juliepants: That’s a good point.
Maybe it’s best if you do write the letter. At least then you have something concrete to read over and decide whether or not you want to give it to her. It’s probably healthy just for you to write so that you can work through some of it on your own. Then again… that’s what weddingbee rants are for too! Heheh.
Congratulations on your wedding! I’m sorry about your sister situation.
Post # 15
@ArwenBride: I think you hit the nail on the head.
My real issue isn’t with her not showing up to the wedding, even though that sucked, I’ve come to terms with that and nothing can change what is done. Its just that on TOP of not coming, she hasn’t even said anything to me about my wedding. I’m very hurt that she’s ignoring it. Yes, a lot of people say “oh well, she’s not right” and I KNOW that, but it still hurts. Alot. This is not the first time she’s done something that hurt me, and I’ve let a lot go… I just don’t feel like I can just forgive her for this one. I don’t feel like I can just let this one go unnoticed.
I may do what some PPs suggested and write a letter, but not send it… maybe I’ll try to talk to her face to face next time I’m with my family… that might go over better.
Post # 16
@DeathByDesign: I understand how hurt you are. My sister still hasn’t anknowledged that I am engaged. When we became engaged, I called her to tell her the good news (I was caught up in the excitement and it was against my better judgement). She said “Oh..congrats”. And then hung up.
Ive seen her a few times since then and she hasnt mentioned the wedding, hasnt asked to see the ring, and has literally acted like its not happening.
It’s extremely hurtful, especially because it’s a close family member. I’ve spent the last year crying, and hoping that things will change. But now I am just coming to terms with the fact that this is who she is. Ive tried to talk to her, but nothing gets resolved.
In the end, it’s her (and your sister’s) loss. They are the ones that are going through life bitter. I dont know if our sisters will ever understand the hurt that they have caused us, but there isn’t anything we can do about it.