Post # 1
This is a lot of venting and getting out my thoughts.
My sister and my family don’t get along very well. Even though she lives in the area, we never see her. She doesn’t respond to messages unless she needs something from us, and she also keeps us from seeing her kids as well. I saw them for the first time in 3 years about a week ago and could barely recognize them. They of course don’t remember any of us. It really is sad and I feel so bad for my mother.
So my sister kind of teeter totters between hanging out with the family for a month or two, then getting pissed at someone and not speaking to any of us for months or years. I didn’t think she was going to come to my wedding, but recently it seems like she is trying to rekindle relationships. Which is a good thing. I always have hope that our relationship with her will heal.
My mom has been talking with her about being a bridesmaid, but I never agreed to this. Any way sister has not tried to make any amends with me yet (just my parents) so I’m in limbo. I would like for my niece to be the flower girl, but again, I’ve only heard through the grapevine that my sister agreed to this. I never asked her, and she has never confronted me about it.
Here is the other thing, a lot of my friends have very well behaved kids and I know the parents will make sure they behave. However my sister does not disciple her kids, so I am very nervous about having them at my wedding since our reception venue is a little more upscale. I am so worried that my sister’s kids are going to be unruly.
SO and I both love kids and want them at our wedding. (all kids including my sister’s)
I just can’t trust my sister to keep them behaved though and am scared about any kid centered disasters. I guess I am pretty sure her kids are going to misbehave and my sister isn’t going to do anything about it.
Post # 3
Oh… let me say that I have tried to talk to my sister, but she has that she is not ready to talk about anything with me yet.
Post # 4
@annonimeask: I would talk to your sister yourself. You could also just do without a flower girl at all – they’re not really necessary, just cute.
Post # 5
@annonimeask: If you are sure that they are going to misbehave and your sister won’t stop them I think you should pick another flower girl. I mean your wedding is not something you want to gamble with.
I mean invite them to the wedding and be happy to see them but I see no reason to have them be part of the ceremomy.
My sister and I have a rocky relationship as well. I mean nothing serious we are just very different people and I know when I was first engaged my mom (who has always wanted us to be best friends) saw it as an opportunity to make us closer. She invited her to dress shopping and other wedding activities without asking me and I don’t have a good time with my sister around. So, I had to tell her that she needs to stop doing that and that my wedding was not going to be the band-aid for our strained relationship. It sounds like your mom might be trying something similar talking to your sister about being a bridesmaid without your opinion on it. You might need to talk to her about it.
Post # 6
I would try to talk directly to your sister.
I would also tell your parents to stop inviting her to do things at YOUR wedding. It isn’t their place to ask her to be a bridesmaid or anything else. They need to back off.
Post # 7
Firstly you need to speak with your sister directly about her being a bridesmaid or not, and about her kid being the flower girl or not. No reason your mother has to play secretary on this. Tell your sister what you want— you do or don’t want her to be a bridesmaid, you do or don’t want her kid to be a flower girl. She’ll give you an answer. Problem solved.
There is no way you can invite the child to be a flower girl and not have her at the reception, and it’s kind of shitty to allow other people’s kids but not your sister’s kids. Might not be a bad idea to hire a couple of babysitters to keep the kids entertained during the reception. If someone is playing with the kids, and has games and activities for them to do, they will be less likely to act up because they won’t be bored and unsupervised.
Post # 8
I guess I don’t understand why you think your sister should “confront” you regarding her kids and her participation in YOUR wedding. I also think your mother needs to stop bribing your sister to continue to hang with the family by being in your wedding. All this game of “telephone” is going to get you is her annoyed, you annoyed and your mom will get hurt feelings. You should talk to your sister. The kids may not behave around you all because your strangers … try spending some time with them with out your sister there and see how the kids are.
Then make your choices.
Post # 9
My family and I have had our fair share of issues, My sister and I wend for a good year without seeing eachother once I moved out and even now its evert 6 months if im lucky. My parents hold the same kind of relationship. So I get where your coming from. I had difficulties with wanting any of them to be in my wedding, Hell I didnt even think they would show up at one point. However, I still had my sister as MOH, and my dad walk me down the isle and in a way it helped re kindle our relationship(even though my dad was 30 minutes late for the ceremony!!! He was supose to be there at 11 for pictures but didnt show up till 1:30).They’re alot more open to talk on the phone or just shoot me a txt or invite me and the kids out for a day. Most kids ( from what I see) get really shy and scared to walk down the isle. Could you talk to your sister and see if she could escort them down the isle? I had my mom do that for our kids during the ceremony, and my daughter still took off running haha It made for a cute video! Good luck!
Post # 10
I would probably try to get in contact with your sister to clear the air about all of this stuff. I would first ask her if she plans on coming to the wedding at all. If she says yes maybe ease into rekindling the relationship by asking her to have lunch or coffee with you sometime. See how that goes, and then decide if you want her to be in her wedding (and if she will even agree to it). I wouldn’t just let her be a BM just because she has decided she wants to be. I would also make sure not to invest any money in her being a BM (don’t buy her dress, shoes, etc.) because I feel like it’s highly possible that she would agree, but then last minute drop out. Same as your niece being the flower girl.
Post # 11
@annonimeask: I don’t think its your sisters job to “confront” you about her kids being in the wedding. It is also not your parents job to invite people to or to be in the wedding, so you need to have a frank discussion with them about that before it gets out of control. Personally I wouldn’t want this sister or her kids in the wedding because of your relationship with them. Gladly invite them as a guest, but that’s it.
I would talk to your sister directly about participation in the wedding, whether you plan to have them or not.
Post # 12
So, you just saw the kids for the first time in YEARS but you know they’re unruly and she doesn’t discipline them? How do you know that? I’m not saying it’s not the case, but it’s also equally possible that the kids were wound up from having something out of the ordinary or were stressed by the energy between you and their mom. It seems a bit presumptuous to immediately assume that they will be the unruly little ones there. The truth is that all kids – even the most well behaved – can be ticking time bombs when you get them in an out of the ordinary event, full of sugar, etc. It could go either way.
I agree with the others that you need to communicate with you sister directly. Your mom needs to stop randomly signing up your sister and her family for roles in your wedding. That’s ridiculous. It’s your call, and you don’t need a go between.
Good luck! My sister is a total nutjob so we’re like waaaay more strained that you and your sister sound, but I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND how stressful it can be. : )
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for responding. 🙂
I have been trying to get in contact with my sister, but right now she is refusing to talk. I told her that whenever she is ready, I am. This is why it is very frustrating that my mother is having these conversations with her. My sister needs to talk to me, not to my mom.
That is my game plan. 🙂 If my sister talks to me, I am going to ask her to just walk my mom down the isle.
I guess I am just unsure of what to do about the kids.
+1 to the babysitter idea. This will most likely need to happen. My hiccup with this is that my sister does not let people babysit her kids. 🙁 I do plan on having kid friendly activies, so hopefully that will help.
@beetee123: I am definately NOT paying for my sister, but my mom told her she is going to buy her dress. 🙁
Post # 14
@megz06: I have asked my sister to talk to me, but she wont. However, appearently she is fine talking with my mom about her involvement in my wedding. So, the ball really is in her court. i can’t make her talk to me, but she can’t invite herself into my wedding. Or agree to my mom’s inviting (which i think is really going on) without having a conversation with me. And that is what she is refusing to do.
Post # 15
@annonimeask: Um yeah, now that you’ve added that she’s refusing to talk to you I would definitely contact your mom and let her know that she needs to stop talking about the wedding with your sister right now, or else she is going to be really disappointed and pretty pissed off when she finds out she isn’t in the wedding. Why would she even want to discuss the idea of being in your bridal party with your mother if she doesn’t even want to talk to you? Does she expect not to talk to you on the day of your wedding, but just stand up there? WTF! Are you sure your mom isn’t just acting like your sister has an interest in being in the wedding? Maybe she is fantasizing about the situation being better, and hopes that by your wedding she can convince your sister to attend and participate. I would talk to her ASAP!
Post # 16
@Mrs.LemonDrop: Thank you for your comments. Given the information that I provided, I can understand why you would question the validity of my statements (children’s lack of discipline and their unruly behavior) but unfortunately, I know both of those statements to be true.