My situation, any advice?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

@cherriesandcream:  I’m so sorry! My SO and I put the ring on hold for a while too, and it made me really sad. We’ve also been together over 3 years, and sometimes I feel like I’m more ready than he is. As far as a conversation, I personally would wait until after Christmas. He could be planning a proposal and is trying to throw you off! I’d wait it out just a few more weeks. 

Try to look past the fact that the sister is getting married. I know it makes it harder, but your SO will ask you when it’s the right time and everything will work the way it should for YOUR relationship. Focus on being happy with your SO and try to enjoy your last single days rather than be sad and stressed out. And seriously, ignore your mom. That’s bull. Plenty of older siblings get married after their younger siblings. 

Post # 5
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@cherriesandcream:  

 

1. Ignore your mom. She’s not helping.

 

2. Stop allowing people to get to you when they compare you to your SO’s sister. Every relationship moves at different paces. It doesn’t make their relationship any stronger or more important than your’s.

 

3. This may come across as harsh – if so, I apologize because that isn’t my intent: Life happens. It sucks sometimes, but that’s just the way it is.

 

Your SO has a very good reason for putting the ring on hold. My FI did the same thing earlier this summer. We went and looked at rings, were getting ready for an engagement, and then he decided to stop for a bit to focus on the condo situation. Did it suck? Of course it did. Did I let him know that it hurt? I did. Did he wind up proposing anyway? Yes.

 

You didn’t say whether your SO has already found a place or made an offer – if he has, then using the money for a ring now could wind up impacting his mortgage rate. Banks and lenders like to see you have a set amount of money in your account for about a month to make sure you can actually afford the place, so removing a large amount of money before closing is generally advised against.

 

Additionally, you’ll need to have a financial cushion in place after closing and all the other applicable taxes and fees are paid. You guys may want to do some updating, additions, repairs, or re-decorating and that all costs money. He might be putting off the ring for now so that he can make sure the needed funds are available for all those things.

 

If you want to discuss it with him then you should. I recommend that you remain calm during the conversation and that you try to explain how you’re feeling at the moment. Then sit and listen as he explains his side of things. It’s possible that you guys can reach a compromise of some sort regarding the house buying and engagement – for instance, maybe he agrees to try and buy a house within X number of months and that he will propose within X number of months after closing.

ETA: You also didn’t mention how old you both are, but it’s possible that that is playing a role as well. I was ready to get married within 3 years of dating when we were both 22. . . FI – not so much. We were 25 and 26 when he proposed last month and we’ll probably be around 27 and 28 when we get married.

 

Post # 6
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you don’t care about a big expensive ring you could always let him know that he doesn’t need to invest so much money now and you can go ahead and get engaged. You can then relax and be engaged for as long as you both are comfortable – perhaps when you have the finances to have the wedding and be able to “upgrade” the ring.

Post # 7
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Would you be ready to accept his proposal without a ring?

It sounds like his stalling of the engagement is more money related. how often have you brought up the thought of getting engaged? When is he hoping on buying a house and how much has he saved up for that?

 

And just out of curiosity, can you elaborate on why you think he’s not mature enough to marry you even though you think he wants to marry you?

 

it sucks about your mom – she really isn’t helping on the situation and what she says is not true!

Post # 8
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@cherriesandcream:  you said in your OP that you feel hes not mature enough for marriage. So why do you want to so urgently? Just to beat your sister to it? hat saying is full of it and I would ask my mom to back off. How old are you OP? 

Post # 9
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

@cherriesandcream:  Trust me, I totally understand! My SO was supposed to propose THIS WEEK (at my graduation) but it’s now pushed back to some unknown date within the next year.  I get little bits of hope that it will still happen, but I know it won’t. I’m sorry your mom is stressing you out! Just try to laugh at the idea…because that’s totally not true! 

Post # 10
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@MrsBuesleBee:  In an older post, she says that she’s still finishing up her undergrad.

@cherriesandcream:  I saw in your other post that your ring would cost like $2500. Why can’t he just buy the ring first? $2500 is not that much compared to a down payment for a house and you said that he’s been working on getting a house for 5 yrs now. Plus you said that you can’t live together in the house anyway until you’re married. It makes more sense to me, timeline wise, to get engaged first, then buy the house which should be ready by the time you’re married.

Post # 14
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

  finishing up undergrad and your mom is giving you that much grief!!!??!? How old is your sister, 18??! 

Be patient OP, I know it might not feel like it but you are SO YOUNG. If I were you I’d be supportive of the house buying operation, focus on my own life/studies/starting a career and then get married in your own time- when your man is mature enough and he’s ready! 

Tell your mom this is not 1955 and women who arent married by graduation are not doomed to be spinsters 

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