Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2014 - Barn
Hey everyone! A little background… I’m in a long distance relationship with my SO who lives about 4hrs away. We see each other every weekend so it honestly isn’t that bad. In a couple of weeks I’m moving to where he lives and we’re renting a farm house together! I’ve been waiting almost 2 1/2 years for this moment! Woohoo!
On the flip side, I’m quite nervous. I’ve heard/ read a lot of horror stories, where a couple moves in together and the relationship falls apart. This is the first time either of us will have lived away from “the family home” so to speak, so I don’t really know what to expect. I know it isn’t exactly the same, but we do spend a lot of condensed time together (as many as 4 days, which isn’t too bad for a LDR!) so I’m not worried we’ll get on each other’s nerves.
Any advice for me ladies? Words of wisdom? Encouragement?
Post # 3
Make a plan, sit down and write down daily household chores (inside the house and outside the house), and create a chart of who does what on what days…take in consideration of things he doesn’t like doing, or that you dont enjoy doing and go from there.
Here is our basic
DH-all outside (he loves it, i do not)
Me-all laundry (he does not like doing it, I don’t mind)
We both rotate on cooking (even though I do it more). Whoever cooks, doesn’t have to clean the kitchen. But every night the kitchen is cleaned.
Then we each have a daily chore to keep the house up and presentatble…nothing big, stuff like Wed he cleans bathrooms, I get groceries…Tues/Thurs we vaccumm/dust…just so house is always presentable which helps me since he is a slob and I am overly clean…was a good balance, and we no longer argue.
Every Friday we BOTH have a night off of doing any household cleaning
Post # 4
I think it depends on your personalities, my Fiance and I did not do any of the things that the PP mentioned and we’ve never had one fight about living together. We don’t make rules or anything, but I often cook and he does the dishes. I do a fair amount of cleaning but he takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher. That’s not to say that some of these roles don’t get reversed sometimes, but we don’t have rules or keep tabs on each other. We usually go to the grocery store together, but not always. It was the easiest transition and it’s literally been rainbows and butterflies the whole time. That said, our entire relationship is like that so that may just be us! I know a lot of people have “growing pains” when they move in together, so you just have to figure out what works for you both. Don’t be nervous though, it’s a great step toward your future together and should be fun and exciting! 🙂
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@jtsing: Absolutely sit down and discuss expectations for chores as well as where the relationship is going. The biggest fights are over bills and chores. Make a list of chores and divide them up equally. I cook most of the time so FH cleans up the kitchen most of the time. He will wash and dry the laundry but he wants me to hang up and fold clothes and put them away. Agree on this stuff ahead of time so there are less arguments in the future.
Also, a lot of girls on here move in with their SO only to find out a year or two later that their SO was not interested in marriage and considered moving in together to be the end-all be-all. Make sure you both are clear on a timeline for getting married because I would assume that is a major reason you are moving in together.
Realize that by moving in together, there will be things that he does that you won’t like. A successful relationship is one where you realize which things are worth bitching about and which things are worth taking care of yourself and/or letting them go.
Post # 6
Create YOUR space. A space that is only yours, to read, listen to music, veg out, whatever in. People in healthy relationships spend time with each other, and also value their time apart. It’s very important to have that space and an understanding that when you’re there, you need YOU time. It’s not the ‘I’m mad at you’ place, it’s just the ‘I need my moment of peace’ space. He should create the same. It’ll do a lot for your sanity later on.
Figure out who does what. I clean the bathroom because he’s dreadful at it. It’s not worth my standing over his shoulder and pointing out every little thing he missed. He vacuums and sweeps, because he does that well and I’m not a fan of doing it.
It’s harder because you’re the one moving, but make friends and get out of the house! Having healthy social lives both with each other and with your own friends is good for the relationship.
Most importantly, forgive each other for the stupid little crap that you’ll both do. It’ll piss you both off to no end – learn what’s worth fighting over. Sometimes it’s easier to pick up his wet towel off the bed rather than staring WWIII over it. Sometimes you need to put your foot down. Just remember, once you choose to let something go, you can’t bring it up later.
Post # 7
Pre-engagement counseling. Darling Husband and I did it. Just call up a counselor that does pre-marital counseling and tell them you want to do pre-marital counseling but before you get engaged.
We were long distance too (just shy of 3 hours, so not as far), and then I moved down and moved in with family. We moved in about 9 weeks before the wedding.
Seriously though, pre-engagement counseling sounds weird but is SO SO SO good for communication and conflict resolution. I highly recommend it.
Post # 8
@allinoelle: Congratulations! It’s scary and awesome to live with your SO, and PPs have given you a lot of great advice. I am getting ready to do the same (moving across the country from NY to California) and it’s such a nerve-wracking decision but I cannot WAIT! Having already lived long-term with an SO, I’m bringing to this move my prior experience.
I cannot stress ENOUGH what other posters have said re: chores. Decide ahead of time, so down the road you aren’t internally seething every time he does something like leave the cabinets open or leave dirty dishes rotting in the sink but afraid to bring it up for fear of causing conflict. At first, everything’s gonna be great – it’ll just be wonderful to be together – so you won’t be seeing everything as it really is.
For my SO and I, we both know we have trouble keeping things clean so we’re hiring a maid to do the heavy-duty cleaning and then working on a chore chart to split the light stuff.
Post # 9
We never sat down and made a list for chores….we just kind of naturally did what we like to do. He cooks/cleans the kitchen/takes trash out. I clean/do laundry/take out recylcing and we split mowing the lawn (good exercise). Your journey of living together will take some time getting used to….but you will love it. Definitely create some space for alone time (why I love having a 2 story house). Or like MaryContrary stated, she cleans the BathRoom because her SO is awful at it. I too do the same, b/c I hate if he does it, and then I have to go behind him and do it to my liking.
Remember, whatever you offer to do in the beginning, you will most likely do for the rest of your life. If you offer to do laundry or iron, it automatically becomes yours. (Your SO CAN do household chores, promise 🙂 ).
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2014 - Barn
Thanks for the advice everyone! I’m definitely excited 🙂 My SO is very good at household chores so I have faith in him in that respect! Based on everyone’s advice it sounds like a chore list is a must
@MissCalifornia: good luck with your move! That’s a long way, but worth it in the end, no doubt about that!
@NAvery: Thanks for the advice about premarital/ preengagement counseling! My SO and I have talked about that and he’s willing to do it if it would make me feel better, which is sweet because I think he’d be so uncomfortable and awkward haha
@MariContrary: I couldn’t agree with this more! We’re both the type of people that need our alone time, so this is crucial.
@beachbride1216: I think whole “pick your battle” mentality. Certainly something to keep in mind. And as soon as we’re settled into our new place, he’s going to the jewelery store (yay!) to get my ring made!
Post # 11
I actually disagree with the chore list. If there’s nobody’s name next to a chore, its both of yours responsibility to do it, and then you can’t get mad at the other person for not doing the chore if you didn’t do it either.
Obviously this doesn’t work if one or both people are slobs, but if you both have the same level of expected cleanliness I think it’s the way to go. I’ve been living with my SO for 2 years now and have never had a fight about chores.
As for other advice, I would say make sure you remember that relationships do require work, and when you live together your time together does tend to be more quantity than quality. It’s important to still get some quality time out of the house.
Post # 12
@allinoelle: thanks for posting this! My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are going to start looking for a place to call our own as soon as he graduates from his grad school and gets a job. I’ve been so excited to move in with him and start our life together, but I’m anxious about how well handle the life adjustment. All the PPs suggestions have been great. Please let me know hoad you adjust!
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Barn
@thebiz53: No problem! Good luck with your move! I have to agree, it’s equal parts exciting and nerve wracking haha. Let me know how it goes with you guys as well! Wishing you all the best 🙂
Post # 14
Do not listen to those horror stories. If you love this person then you will learn to live with this person in harmony instead of picking and poking everything little thing they do different then you.
My Fiance and I dated for 6 months before moving in together. We are now on a year of living together and it’s great.
You just need to learn how to live together and there will be bumps along the way but you will learn to get through it!
Post # 15
@allinoelle: just be prepared for an adjustment period. i can’t tell you what yours will look like, but i can tell you ours lasted about 4 months