My SO doesn't know that I have huge debt….

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

ny88:  Yes – you definitely need to tell him. The approach I would take is to be completely honest about it and have a plan for paying it back to present. I.e., “SO, I need to be honest with you about my student loan debt. I owe 80k. When I graduate, I should be making X amount of money. I can therefore pay back the bulk in 3 years (or whatever). If we continue with the plan to live off one income, I can devote all my pay to paying these off in 2 years.”

However that works out for you in terms of salary and years etc….or maybe you save half and pay with half. SOmething that shows you are owning your responsibility and prepared to pay for it.

 

Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

ny88:  tell him the truth…plain and simple. i am in a similar boat (around $50k between student loan, credit cards, etc…) and i told him the moment i thought things might head the direction of marriage…and you know what i found out!? love is greater than money. he told me that no amount of financial woes could ever come between the two of us, and that we would work it out. “for richer or for poorer”…isn’t that the saying?

best of luck dear…i know that stress all too well. i can remember laying in bed at night before i even MET my FI thinking what man is going to want ME with all this debt?!

Post # 4
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

ny88:  Be honest with him.

Post # 5
Member
3009 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

First of all, $80k of student loan debt is WAY different than $80k of credit card debt. Either way, you need to be 100% honest with him before you get married, ideally before you get engaged. Financial stress is one of the biggest (if not THE biggest) cause for divorce. If you’re upfront, you will avoid a larger fight later.

Post # 6
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

ny88:  I think your only option is to be honest with him. He’s not likely to be very happy about it, and he might want to hold off on joining finances for a little while. However, I highly doubt he would leave you over it. That’s a convo to have ASAP though.

Post # 12
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

yeah, you gotta tell him.  I was in the same boat a couple of years ago and once I told him he was like “well, now that I know I can help you budget things out!”  I got my cc paid off a few months after our wedding, and we are now trying to get most of my student loans paid off before DH finishes his phd, because then we will have to work in his.

Just know, he might not take it as well as my DH, and like a PP said, financial issues does cause the most damage in marriages, so the more upfront & honest you can be the better.  It will be way better for him to know now, as compared to finding out after you are married.  

Post # 7
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I agree with others. Be honest and upfront about it. Student loan debt is way better than credit card debt. 

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would try and casually bring it up, let him know you checked your balance and you owe 80k. Do you have an idea of what your payments will be? Figure that out and then you’ll be able to make a plan for setting aside that amount each month.

Post # 14
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

Mrs. Fireworks:  +1

Agreed.

ny88:  My SO has known about my debt from the beginning. He doesn’t know the exact numbers, but that’s mainly because he doesn’t really care to know. He has zero debt because he never went to school, and never got any credit cards… but with that he also doesn’t make as much as I do, and doesn’t really care about financial stuff either (I’ll definitely be in charge of finances when we get married). I had some bad credit card debt when we met and paid it down before we bought our house. But I also have student loans and own a car (that I make payments on). 

That said, when we combine our income and finances, I think that’s the time I’ll go over the exact numbers and everything with him. At this point, it’s separate and he doesn’t really want to know because he gets stressed about money easily. 

When you look at the big numbers it’s a scary thing, but if you can be responsible about the payments, it’s just the reality of life. I know very few people that are debt free, and if they are it’s because their parents paid for their school. You can’t be judged or punished because you situation needed loans to get through school. Be proud of your education. 

Sit down with him, and say that you looked into things now that you’re considering combining incomes and your debt is bigger than you thought. Be honest.  Some couples go all in when they combine incomes… but you can always take a percentage approach of incomes if you feel that will work best for you guys too. 80% goes into the couple pool, and then 20% is yours… and you can pay for your debt out of your pool when you start working. 

 

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