Post # 1
I’m torn about what to do about my SO. We just celebrated out 4 year anniversary this past weekend, but I don’t think I can stay with him anymore 🙁 I don’t want to leave him but things are starting to get out of hand with his drinking and weed smoking.
When we first met I drank a lot, smoked weed and cigarettes with him. I quit all of those things about 3 months into our relationship due to a bad experience I had. He continued to drink heavily with his friends and would sometimes get nasty with me and cus at me when he was really drunk. Around Christmas time last year he got mad at me because I went out to dinner with my office (no spouses/partners allowed as my boss was paying for everyone) and he was convinced I was lying and chose not to bring him or that I was with another guy. He went to his friend’s house that night and got shit faced drunk and flipped on me when I got home and followed me out of the house when I tried to leave and busted my turn signal out of my car. It’s now hanging by wires and he’s never fixed it. The most recent incident was a month or so ago when he was off work and was hanging out with the same friend mentioned before and a few others and got shit faced drunk once again. I got mad because he was slurring his words on the phone and couldn’t even talk because he was so drunk. I went to my parent’s house because I was furious with him so he showed up there, tore a bunch of my stuff up and spit in my face multiple times. I couldn’t get him to leave and had to physically push him out the door. This was on a Tuesday and he was drinking during the day. And he still doesn’t think he has a drinking problem. So I told him either quit drinking unless he’s with me or I’m leaving him. I thought he was doing that then I caught him multiple times with a beer in his hands when he didn’t know I was around or I would find beer cans in the trash, in his car, etc.
When we first got together he had a good job working on an army base making good money. They told him he had a drug test coming up in a week and he had been smoking so of course he lost his job. I still stayed with him. I watched him work shitty job after shitty job until he got a job at a warehouse. While he was working at the warehouse he started hanging out with some awful people who just made him smoke weed more than he already did (I’m talking like 10-15 times a day). So he gets arrested for possession of weed on his lunch break one day. He goes to court and gets probation before judgement. Within 7 months he gets arrested again for possession of weed, this time in another county. He gets 1 year probation this time. He just finished up his probation August 2013. The entire time he was on probation he drank very heavily to make up for the weed he couldn’t smoke. He was a dick almost every time he would drink. He was chugging out of Tequila bottles, taking shot after shot and just making an ass out of himself. And his friends think it’s funny and egg him on and tell him to drink more.
Ever since he’s been off probation he’s been spending all his money on weed. I ask him not to smoke it in MY car and he disrespects me and does it anyway. His friends are extremely rude to me, we use to get along but we don’t anymore. His best friend’s gf (who’s also my bf’s friend) has verbally attacked me on more than 2 occasions and he defends HER and acts like it was my fault. They don’t like me because I don’t want to hang out with them, but we have nothing in common. I’ve never once been rude to them despite the fact that I don’t want to hang out with them. All they do is drink and smoke weed and are just a horrible influence on him. I think if he didn’t hang around with these people he would be a totally different person.
He told me 2 months after our 2 year anniversary that he would quit smoking cigarettes because I didn’t want to date a smoker and he said he wanted to quit. Despite this I have caught him dozens of times with packs of cigatettes in his car, found receipts for cigarettes (once he bought them with MY debit card and I found the receipt) and numerous times actually smoking them. His shitty friends offer them to him constantly and even light them for him when he’s too drunk to do it himself. Every time he gets drunk he smokes and lies about it every time. Just last night I found a receipt dated 8/20/13 for a pack of Marlboro Menthols with his birthday as the age verified and his last 4 card digits, yet he claims it wasn’t his and that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
At this point I’m disgusted. I’m tired of dealing with an alcoholic that won’t admit he has a problem. I’m tired of dealing with him smoking weed and putting me at risk of getting arrested. I’m tired of him smoking cigarettes and lying about it over and over again. I don’t get it because he comes from a decent family and they live in a good neighborhood. I hate all of these things, yet I still love him for some reason. He says time and time again that he will change but he never does. He changes for a few days at the most if I leave and won’t answer the phone. He’s 26, he needs to ditch these losers he calls friends, find a decent job and cut out the weed, alcohol and cigarettes. I know that if something doesn’t change this time I have to leave for good. How can I convey to him that I’m serious?
Post # 3
You might love him, but your lifestyles no longer have anything in common. You can’t convey anything to him to make him change, he has to want to do that for himself. And it doesn’t sound like he does.
He’s a drunk, he’s unpredictable and he already lost his job. You leaving might be the rock-bottom he needs… but either way, I think that’s what you need to do.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@raspberryswirl: He’s not going to stop doing any of it until he is ready and if he is willing to lose his job (wait, jobssss), get arrested, violate probation, and end up in jail and still smoke weed, then he’s not going to give it up for you. WALK AWAY. When he has been clean and sober for a year and you have gone through a support group for fmaily members of abusers, then you might consider taking him back, but really, just get out of this relaitonship. He wants the weed more than he wants anything else in his life.
Post # 6
Just because you have spent 4 years with this guy doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. It sounds like it is past time to go. He has shown you again and again that he will choose weed, alcohol, cigarettes, and his friends over you. Stop wasting your time with a deadbeat who can’t hold down a job and go find a real man who can act like an adult and cherish a relationship with you.
Post # 7
If you want to make a last ditch effort- get with his family, tell them everything & have an intervention. It’s obvious he has a drinking problem, whether he wants to admit it or not. If you dont feel like that is what you want to do, it’s best to end it now. At 26, he should be MUCH more mature than to do what his friends think is cool. He sounds like a real loser. Everyone deserves better than that.
Post # 8
@beachbride1216: He has a job right now, but the pay is shitty and he has to drive an hour each way to get there. It’s a family business. The warehouse he worked at closed down so he said he would work the job he has now “temporarily” until he finds something else. It’s been a year and he has barely even tried, he applied for like maybe 2 jobs.
Post # 9
@theEguarantee: I’ve actually already tried that. I went to one of his sisters and told her everything but neither of us knwo what to do. He’s vietnamese and his parents barely understand/speak english so I can’t really get them to help. I know if I get his sisters and brother involved he’ll be pissed and resent me forever for it 🙁
Post # 10
Life is too short to deal with all of that. He’s not the same guy he was when you met. It’s best to put this behind you.
Post # 11
Is this the life you want? Because he is clearly demonstrating that he has not yet hit the place he needs to hit to seek help and realize that this is a problem that needs professional help.
I think you should look into AlAnon for yourself – it will help you deal with how this is affecting you, and give you the strength you need to walk away or stay, if that’s what you choose. It will educate you on your own process and how you can avoid contributing to the negative aspects of the situation.
Kaiser Permanente also has a really good family support program for substance abuse that you can attend even if your SO isn’t ready for treatment yet. Do you have Kaiser insurance by any chance?
Post # 12
@raspberryswirl: Guys like this dont change unless they WANT to; I dated one for a couple of years I thought I could “fix” or “save.” He sounds a lot like yours: kind of a violent drunk, mean, etc.
I recall one incident when I bought him pretty much a gallon bottle of rum as a present, then went to work. I came home 4 hours later, and he’d consumed nearly ALL of it himself and was in a violent mood. Shortly after that, I broke things off with him. He didnt take that very well, and I woke up one night at 3am to him standing over my bed; he’d broken into my apartment.
He continued on a downward spiral on his own until he heard I had moved on and was dating my now-FI. Suddenly, he’s a changed man, got clean, etc…until I told him to lose my number, and he went *right* back to his old ways.
Guys like this are toxic, as you can clearly see. My advice is to waste no more of your time on someone that would destroy your property and spit in your face.
Post # 13
@crayfish: AlAnon is pretty awesome, +1
Post # 14
@deetroitwhat: I agree.
@OP – I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you don’t have the same lifestyles anymore, and as you’ve made it clear you’re not comfortable nor okay with his substance use, it seems the best course of action would be for you to move on.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
I’m so sorry, but I think it’s definitely past time for you to leave. Take a good look at your life. Where do you want to be in 10 years? If you stay with him, I’m afraid you’ll still be exactly where you are right now. He needs to mature, and make some major changes in his life. He’s made it clear he’s unwilling to make those changes and honestly, his actions are showing that he loves drinking, cigarettes, and weed more than he loves you. You have proved your love over and over but it seems it’s lost on him. He will just keep taking advantage of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You definitely deserve better.
Post # 16
You do not need this in your life. I’m telling you this as someone who has dated an alcoholic who, like your SO, could not see that he had a problem and would get very mean when under the influence. You could try to help him, but the reality is that there isn’t a whole lot you can do. Maybe I’m biased, but I say cut your losses and move on. I did that and it was one of the wisest decisions I ever made. From what I hear, my ex is still living the life of a drunken frat boy years later and I’m so glad I’m not there to put up with it. I know it’s hard because you guys have been together for quite a long time, but if the situation were not going to change, would you choose to stay? You wouldn’t. You’re already fed up. What is the famous Ann Landers question? “Are you better off with him or without him?” I think you know the answer.