My SO has substance abuse issues that I can’t deal with anymore (long)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You might love him, but your lifestyles no longer have anything in common.  You can’t convey anything to him to make him change, he has to want to do that for himself.  And it doesn’t sound like he does.

 

He’s a drunk, he’s unpredictable and he already lost his job.  You leaving might be the rock-bottom he needs… but either way, I think that’s what you need to do.

 

Post # 4
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@raspberryswirl:  He’s not going to stop doing any of it until he is ready and if he is willing to lose his job (wait, jobssss), get arrested, violate probation, and end up in jail and still smoke weed, then he’s not going to give it up for you.  WALK AWAY.  When he has been clean and sober for a year and you have gone through a support group for fmaily members of abusers, then you might consider taking him back, but really, just get out of this relaitonship.  He wants the weed more than he wants anything else in his life.

Post # 6
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Just because you have spent 4 years with this guy doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. It sounds like it is past time to go. He has shown you again and again that he will choose weed, alcohol, cigarettes, and his friends over you. Stop wasting your time with a deadbeat who can’t hold down a job and go find a real man who can act like an adult and cherish a relationship with you.

 

Post # 7
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

If you want to make a last ditch effort- get with his family, tell them everything & have an intervention. It’s obvious he has a drinking problem, whether he wants to admit it or not. If you dont feel like that is what you want to do, it’s best to end it now. At 26, he should be MUCH more mature than to do what his friends think is cool. He sounds like a real loser. Everyone deserves better than that.

Post # 10
Member
4223 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Life is too short to deal with all of that. He’s not the same guy he was when you met. It’s best to put this behind you. 

Post # 11
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Is this the life you want? Because he is clearly demonstrating that he has not yet hit the place he needs to hit to seek help and realize that this is a problem that needs professional help.

I think you should look into AlAnon for yourself – it will help you deal with how this is affecting you, and give you the strength you need to walk away or stay, if that’s what you choose. It will educate you on your own process and how you can avoid contributing to the negative aspects of the situation.

Kaiser Permanente also has a really good family support program for substance abuse that you can attend even if your SO isn’t ready for treatment yet. Do you have Kaiser insurance by any chance?

Post # 12
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@deetroitwhat:  +1

@raspberryswirl:  Guys like this dont change unless they WANT to; I dated one for a couple of years I thought I could “fix” or “save.” He sounds a lot like yours: kind of a violent drunk, mean, etc.

I recall one incident when I bought him pretty much a gallon bottle of rum as a present, then went to work. I came home 4 hours later, and he’d consumed nearly ALL of it himself and was in a violent mood. Shortly after that, I broke things off with him. He didnt take that very well, and I woke up one night at 3am to him standing over my bed; he’d broken into my apartment.

He continued on a downward spiral on his own until he heard I had moved on and was dating my now-FI. Suddenly, he’s a changed man, got clean, etc…until I told him to lose my number, and he went *right* back to his old ways.

Guys like this are toxic, as you can clearly see. My advice is to waste no more of your time on someone that would destroy your property and spit in your face.

Post # 14
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@deetroitwhat:  I agree.

@OP – I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you don’t have the same lifestyles anymore, and as you’ve made it clear you’re not comfortable nor okay with his substance use, it seems the best course of action would be for you to move on.

Post # 15
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

I’m so sorry, but I think it’s definitely past time for you to leave. Take a good look at your life. Where do you want to be in 10 years? If you stay with him, I’m afraid you’ll still be exactly where you are right now. He needs to mature, and make some major changes in his life. He’s made it clear he’s unwilling to make those changes and honestly, his actions are showing that he loves drinking, cigarettes, and weed more than he loves you. You have proved your love over and over but it seems it’s lost on him. He will just keep taking advantage of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You definitely deserve better.

Post # 16
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You do not need this in your life. I’m telling you this as someone who has dated an alcoholic who, like your SO, could not see that he had a problem and would get very mean when under the influence. You could try to help him, but the reality is that there isn’t a whole lot you can do. Maybe I’m biased, but I say cut your losses and move on. I did that and it was one of the wisest decisions I ever made. From what I hear, my ex is still living the life of a drunken frat boy years later and I’m so glad I’m not there to put up with it. I know it’s hard because you guys have been together for quite a long time, but if the situation were not going to change, would you choose to stay? You wouldn’t. You’re already fed up. What is the famous Ann Landers question? “Are you better off with him or without him?” I think you know the answer.

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