Post # 1
My SO has made it known that he plans to propose before Christmas. I believe him, but I have always been a “I will believe it when I see it”. This personality trait goes back to childhood abandoment issues so its me guarding myself from disappointment.
We have actively talked about wedding planning, discussed dates, locations etc. I just need for it to be official. He is all about the wedding planning too. He talks about it a lot. But I have my limits. There are some things I won’t do until I have a ring because if something happens and he doesn’t propose, I don’t want to be left looking like a dumb ass.
I told him we aren’t putting a deposit on a venue. He wants to book this hummer limo. I said no. All my BM’s are out of towners. I wanted to schedule a weekend around the holidays when a few will be here to go dress shopping but I am hesitant in asking them right now to carve out a day for me to do so and I may not have a ring.
Well last night we were in bed and something wedding related came up from him. I think he asked me if I looked into something (I don’t remember what he asked) but I said no. He asked me why not and I was honest. I said I know we talk about our wedding a lot and for a while a few weeks I was obsessed. I ate, slept, and worked wedding plans. I said and without a ring, things I want to do next I can’t because I don’t feel comfortable becuase its not official. Well I guess that made him feel a certain way because he said he can tell I have a guard up still when I shouldn’t with him and he doens’t know why. He relocated from OH here to NY to be with me a few months ago. He said if he wasn’t serious about making me his wife he wouldn’t have up rooted his life to come here to be with me, he would have just stayed my LD boyfriend. I don’t hide my facial expressions well and he said he could tell in my face that it bothers me. I said it doesn’t bother me, but planning a wedding without a proposal makes me feel like I am pressuring him to maybe propose sooner than he really intended because he doesn’t want to let me down. He said that is not true and I should know that by how active he is with the planning process.
I get his point. But I need him to get mine point as well. I was watching David Tutera a couple weeks and a girl was planning a wedding off a promise ring. She forced her Boyfriend or Best Friend to give her this promise ring before he was ready(he bought it in the mall and she demanded to know what was in the bag so he had to give it to her). So she never even got proposed to AND she didn’t have an engagement ring and she was about to get married. I looked at the TV and called her all kinds of dumb asses because in my head I am thinking “how do you know he wants to marry you if you didn’t give him a chance to ask”. I felt like he was pressured. I don’t want to be that woman…
Am I overreacting?? :-
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Technically you don’t need a ring or a formal proposal to be engaged… some couples just arrive at the mutual decision to get married and move forward from there. Not the most romantic of scenarios in my mind, but it happens. Personally I wanted the ring before I started actually booking/placing deposits though.
If it were me, I’d just tell him that you’re going to get strange looks, and vendors won’t take you serioulsy without a ring. Most vendors “play along” with the engaged couple’s excitement and ask to see the ring and give congratulations during the first meeting, so you’ll probably have to say something like “it’s being made” or “he’s working on it” etc… and I would get tired of that.
Post # 4
@justvonne: No you are not. stick to your guns and keep your backbone straight
Post # 5
No, no, no. You are 100% right. His position makes no sense. Here’s the reality, no matter what he says:
You are not engaged. Period. Exclamation point.
You are absolutely right not to make plans and put down deposits. It’s not pressuring him; it’s common sense. If he wants to start planning the wedding now, then he can propose now.
Post # 6
@MissNoodles: Yeah and I am all about romance. I guess I am looking forward to the proposal because when we decided we did want to spend the rest of our lives together, he immediately bragged about the wow factor of a surprise proposal he was going to do. I have a promise ring he bought be a few months ago, so if we were meeting with vendors I would have something to flash – but still in my mind I will be thinking “he still hasn’t officially asked”.
Thanks for your input!
Post # 7
This has nothing to do with having your guard up or not.
It has to do with needing a ring before you can start wedding planning like a normal person.
You don’t go from almost graduating Kindergarten to saying “hell let’s just start grade 8”
Post # 8
Okay I feel better. Thank you all so much. He hasn’t said much to me today and I went home on lunch and he is looking like a lost puppy like I really hurt his feelings. His thing is he feels like I feel he is blowing steam up my ass or that I don’t believe in him. Which is not true at all..
Post # 9
Would you be happy without a grand, surprise proposal? If so, next time he acts upset about you not planning, why don’t you suggest that he just give you the ring and ask you right then, so you will have the peace of mind of knowing it’s official and will be able to start planning? He may not like the idea, but you don’t like the idea of placing large deposits on things without a formal commitment. If he wants things done his way (planning now as opposed to later) he is going to have to compromise.
And what’s with the rush, anyway? You guys have plenty of time. What’s wrong with just enjoying the phase you are in?
Post # 10
@EffieTrinket: This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. My first marriage I didn’t get the fancy proposal or the wedding. He feels bad about that so he wants to make sure I get those things because I deserve them.
Not so much a rush but we want to get married next fall. Dates are slipping away at the top venues we want. My father has a very bad joint disease. In another year and change he won’t able to walk at all. Due to a bad case of sleep apnea, hip surgery isn’t an option due to fear he won’t survive the anesthesia. Walking me down the aisle is a big deal for my dad, and SO and I want to make sure he gets it.
Post # 11
@justvonne: I think you sound like you have your head on right, and you know what is important to you. I’d be proud if someday I had someone like you as a daughter!
Post # 12
@justvonne: In my opinion, you’re right about this issue in every way that it is possible to be right. I don’t even see how he can argue with it, you’re being completely sane and practical. Good for you.
Post # 13
@meetmethere2013: “You don’t go from almost graduating Kindergarten to saying “hell let’s just start grade 8” <—- THIS!!!
Post # 14
You are not wrong about this, at all. Of course he likes talking about it, IT’S NOT REAL! Once that ring is on your finger, something magical happens, you are engaged, you need to make a plan, we need a dress, and some cake and some place cards stat!
Until then, it’s all smoke and mirrors, some nebulous and ever changing “Someday” so the next time Big Mouth is snuggling in bed and wants to talk limo, you look him in the eye and say, “That’s all well and good Candy Pants, but money talks and bullshit walks!” Show him your ringless hand, turn out the light and roll over.
Post # 15
@justvonne: He feels bad about that so he wants to make sure I get those things because I deserve them.
Then I guess he had better get a move on, huh?
Seriously, though, this is nothing to fret over. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately for you) weddings do get cancelled. If you are willing to be very flexible about everything else, there’s a good chance you can still get your dream venue if he stops dragging his feet.
Post # 16
Don’t worry, you aren’t overreacting. I would never have planned a wedding without a proposal. If you two have decided that the grand proposal and ring is what will make you “officially engaged” then you need that – it’s that simple. I knew he was going to ask me for months before he didn, but my husband and I didn’t plan anything until I had the ring on my finger. It makes the whole engagement that much more exciting when “Ok, now! When, where, how do we want to get married?”
He’ll get over it, he might just be a little butt-hurt for a couple days. Explain that you can’t wait to plan a wedding and get married, but there’s a start and end date to that sort of thing: engagement and wedding. I swear – the day we got engaged is when I switched from “if we get married” to “when we get married” because then it was REAL.