- 5 years ago
Please, no judgments on what I am about to write! I’m feeling insecure about this and I want advice 🙂
My Boyfriend or Best Friend of 5 months and I moved in together last Saturday. We are super happy and thrilled that I’m here with him. He even told me today in a text, “thank you for inserting your beautiful self into my life”. It’s the best relationship I have ever had. We both have a very high love capacity. He values me and occasionally makes references to marrying me someday. I am 34, he is 44. We both have a son from previous relationships who are now sharing a bedroom and getting along great. We moved in mainly out of financial necessity due to some major hardships we both endured before meeting (divorce, unemployment).
My SO is extremely romantic, loving, and a GREAT communicator. Almost to a fault. He’s been this way with all his exes, too. He wrote them all songs that he played for me… beautiful songs… but eew, they were FOR his exes. Regardless, he was so happy to play them all for me. He used to make a living in NYC off of his music and he’s very talented. The only place I drew the line was when he tried to play me the wedding song that him and his ex wife wrote and sang to each other at their wedding. No freaking thanks!!! But when he plays me all the music he wrote for other women, it stabs me in the heart. It’s SO passionate and intense. Ugh…
He shares a lot. He read me his old journals from college and all his post-divorce writings that he used to help recover. He said it means so much that he can share his whole life with me. I listen with an open mind and a lot of what he reads me is not love related. But sometimes he will read me a bit about a certain ex who broke his heart, or how his ex wife had firey red hair and he fell in love with her in 2 seconds flat (I, of course, am a brunette). When this happens, I feel much closer to him but I get somewhat jealous of the intense feelings he had for other women. He will tell me endlessly how special I am for listening to his journal, and that he feels so close to me. He has had a lot of relationships, including a 10 year marriage that has been over for 3+ years. He’s had 2 girlfriends since his divorce.
Because we live together, I keep finding old things of him with other women. Photos, written music, CD’s of his music he wrote for exes, more photos, cards, random post-it notes… did I say PHOTOS? They are just everywhere, it seems. He said I can move stuff around, clean out closet shelves, etc. all I want to make room for my things. So this is where I keep finding all these reminders of his life before me. I can’t even open a book without a photo of some girl hanging all over him falling out of the damn book.
Today I was looking for a pencil sharpener in his desk drawer. I found, tucked away, his wedding planner from his wedding in 2000. Oh, Lord… I went and opened it (bad) and I got to see all these details about the magical love they shared, cute notes to each other, the rough drafts of their “songs” they wrote each other. I can’t digest my dinner now. His exes handwriting is all over the book in the home we share.
This comes one day after asked me to dig up his video resume on his computer and e-mail it to him (he was away from home and I had his comptuer). I saw a mini video of him kissing his last girlfriend while curled up on the bed that he and I share. I immediately felt sick. I kindly asked if he could delete it, because it made me feel uncomfortable, and he said he loves me, but he never throws away stuff from past relationships (you think?) because his past is something he treasures. I know if I badger him more about it, he won’t like it. He loves autonomy, and always tells me how much he loves that I let him be his own person. My Boyfriend or Best Friend also keeps each and every e-mail a woman has ever written him. He’s really that sentimental. He keeps things from his late mother, all grandparents, stuff from high school, his car keys to his first car, old guitar picks, EVERYTHING. So it’s not like he only has a trophy case of woman stuff.
I save NOTHING from exes. I maybe have 3 photos of me with my son’s dad, and I’m saving them only for my son. I don’t have e-mails, photos, nothing.
Any advice on how I can cope with this? He does not display anything, but my God… everywhere I look… He even had his exes old lube in his night drawer and I told him I won’t move in if he has old lube from a past g/f. He threw it away because he said it had no sentimental value.
Please help and I don’t mind some criticism, but I don’t want to be judged for being insecure about this. Thank you 🙂